The Small, Mole-Like Growth on John McCain's Face: The Interview

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. As part of Isengard.Gov's commitment to cutting edge political reporting, we were able to obtain the first interview with the small, mole-like growth recently removed from John McCain's face.

I.G.: How's it hanging?

SMLG: Well, it's been traumatic, you know, I've just lost the only home I've ever had, you know, John McCain's cheek.

I.G. : I'm sorry for your loss. He just turned you out on the street?

SMLG: I thought we were so close..What will I do? (sobs.)

I.G.: Well, the McCain camp says that not only were you at some risk for being pre-cancerous, but that they don't believe it's appropriate for the government to step in to save people's homes.

SMLG: Well (redacted) them too.

I.G.: Did you feel you really knew McCain?

SMLG: We shared our lives..it was so exciting, all the press attention, all the travel to all of America, all the golf resorts, all the gated communities, corporate boardrooms, and country clubs, and then that one time we saw some black people.

I.G.: Which brings up my next question. Before they determined you had to be removed, you were referred to in the press as a "darkened area."

SMLG: Well, people did say things to him while looking at me, like "Maybe you should get that looked at," and "John, darling, what the hell is that thing?!!!" I suppose I should have see the signs, I'm mean it's not anyone was openly anti-dark skin, but it's not like diversity central at the GOP either. It was nothing overt, but I could never forget that I was a dark spot on a guy so white if he lies down on a hockey rink he disappears.

I.G. So you felt alientated, excluded?

SMLG: All the staring, the worried looks. You think I wouldn't feel that? Maybe it would be different if I was just melanin, and not, you know, borderline pre-cancerous, but maybe it's a little bit of skinism, sure.

I.G. Were you the only mole of color in the McCain campaign?

SMLG: The only one that close, sure. Except for the new guy on the back of his neck.

I.G. Who are you voting for?

SMLG. Well, that's tough you know. I know John so well, but it's hard not to feel betrayed. I can tell you that campaign's a friggin' mess-it's like Laverne and Shirley trying to run a nuclear plant. And Obama's a really empathetic guy. I get the feeling he wouldn't have been so quick to have me excised from his face.

I.G. Are you registered?

SMLG: Had some issues when I went to register to vote, they weren't sure where to count me as 72 or as six months, so they split the difference and as far as Arizona is concerned, I'm officially 36.

I.G. Of course you don't have an address.

SMLG: (Sobs).