Sirens of Isengard: the Market Indicators

As every blogger knows, what the world may not really need is more commentary on the news. So to hell with it for the moment. At the risk of making Isengard.Gov sound more like Esquire circa 1987, I needed a brief break from art and politics, and research for this article was not unpleasant.
And I must encourage eisengeisters of the available genders to add in their feckless celebrity longings (edit right into this post!)

The Sirens of Isengard. And their Current Objectifying Directional Rating.





Karen O. Oh hell. I love Karen O. Aside from her incredible voice and stage presence, she has a remarkable face, perfect almost to the point of being distinctly indistinct. But the Yeah Yeah Yeah's were on, in name only, some Ipod commercial or a car commercial or something, the name showing on the screen. Only a slight blip in theory, but when we're talking about the Queen of uber-hip, so alternative she makes PJ Harvey look like Kelly Clarkson, in NPR's phrase (strike two! NPR is great - but not cool) this is a blemish. Karen! No sell out, super-please! Well, in any event, the last album is fantastic..


Samantha Power. Long a favorite here, Super-foxy brainiac Genocide Chick, ditched by Obama when she gave Hillary Clinton the business, I am sad to report, has gone off and married some lame ass brilliant legal scholar. A legal scholar? Sheesh. You know what you call two laywers getting married? Uh...d Well, I don't have a joke here, but I assure you it is appalling at the deepest level.






Liv Tyler

I didn't see the Hulk, or the whatever relatively whack superhero movie her hair has been blowing around in recently. Have there been one too many action figurines? No, no, Liv, you are still amazing.

The "Euro-Artbot Girl" in the Newer Disasronno Ad

This is clearly my most shameful listing.

There is a serious problem with putting a woman this astonishing - She is, in my uber-phrase for such matters- INSANE - And I do not habitually praise advertising. She may be a citizen of Photoshop. What was I talking about again? Oh yes. But why, Disarrono Advertising Tools, do you make us watch the dorkbot bartenders?



Rose McGowan. Grindhouse. Stop right there. But hey, there she was picking movies on Turner Classics - impressive. Also, I like the brunette-ification.



Segolene Royal. Ah, mon dieu, France, did you learn nothing from us? You elected a hypocritical, abusive egomaniac with a jones for wreckless globalization and a penchant for loving all the wrong things about America, INSTEAD of the hottest socialist leader in Europe. We are STILL stuck with the Bush administration, and you go all conservative because you're worried about a few riots in Paris? What the hell is Paris without riots? A fancy mall with appalling customer service!

Ahem. Meanwhile, Segolene is organizing a successful left-wing comeback in local elections as Sarkozy continues to embarrass the country.




Eva Green. Va Va Voom. A transcendental beauty who somehow made James Bond cool again. Also, an actual actress.

Uma Thurman. And the incomparable Uma? An official reprimand: dating another billionaire, apparently, according to Foreign Affairs. One billionaire is an eccentricity, two is a bad habit.

Gwen Stefani. Looking better than ever, particularly on ubiquitous personal computing device advertisments for a large computing device company, touting her own amazing creativity.



Okay, I'll bite:

Bruce
Sadly, much less appealing after breaking up with his wife.

























Neil deGrasse Tyson
An astrophysicist who can kick your ass.
























Iain Pears

Read his books. Really, just read them.












Daniel Craig
Sure, my brain works good but so do my glands.

















But the winner is:

Some guy I watched play football. Va va voom and hubba hubba too!