Today's Urgent Headlines Today: Why Is Sarah Palin Resigning?

-Vows to Break Record Set by Octomom.

- Devoting More Time to Looking at a Picture of Jesus Next to the Bathroom Mirror

- Jealous of All the Attention Michael Jackson is Getting

- Has Been Called to do the Lord's Work in Fighting Health Care Reform

- Blowing Unspent Federal Stimulus Money in Vegas

- Schedule Conflict With XM Magazine Photo Shoot

- Needs More Time to Haunt John McCain Like a Dark, Soul-Sucking Shadow

- Running for Long-Coveted Position of Dairy Queen

- Felt a Strange Compulsion to Locate, Visit Russia

- Jealous of All the Attention Mark Sanford is Getting.

- Taking Recreational Drilling Rig to Yosemite

- Going with the Flow and Entering Professional Comedy

- To Spend More Time With Family, Figuring Out How To Use Them For Personal Gain

- Fearful of What Will Happen As World Respect Is Restored to the United States and Must Take Action

- Wants to Fulfill Lifelong Dream of Losing A Republican Presidential Primary in Own State.

- Running for Governor of a State that Will Truly Appreciate Her, Like West Tennessee

- Surprise Provision in Doritos Endorsement Contract Prohibits Continuing to Serve The People

- Jealous of All the Attention John and Kate Plus Eight Couple is Getting

- Entering Tour De France

- Was Finally Accepted as Freshman at University of Washington

- Jealous of all the Attention Pauly Shore is Getting