Important Questions for the Next Nominee

The next nominee to the US Supreme Court (or what I like to call Bush's next bench-bitch) will be trained like Roberts and role-played into an endless pudding flow of soporific legalese.

The truth might be spooned out with aggressive, near-Dadaist questions in the Senate hearings:

1. In regards Roe V. Wade, what kind of people would America have be better off without from the beginning anyway?

2. Martha Stewart returned from prison recently, having lost weight. Should we let all American women to go to prison for a while?

3. Fascism: tell us why you think it sucks!

4. Are you going to let gay people get married or stop everyone from mating with goats?

5. Follow-up: Why do you hate Jesus?

6. Clarence Thomas is a great Supreme Court justice. When you put your pubic hair on a soda can, what color is it?

7. Because of the terrorism, the government likes to watch us. Do you also think that's kind of sexy?

8. Why should stupid people be allowed to vote? Doesn't the Bill of Rights seem really long?

9. I believe strongly that freedom means we have nothing left to lose. Where exactly is that in the Constitution?

10. If you could be anyone in history, would you have killed Hitler after sleeping with him as a distraction?

11. Scientists are always talking about how the earth is a delicate, incredibly complex system teetering on the brink of collapse because of unchecked exploitation of resources. But what about sharks? Doesn't the 14th Amendment protect us from sharks?

12. People are always complaining about soliders quartering with them, parking Hummers in the driveway and drinking the milk straight out the cartoon and playing Grand Theft Auto at all hours and their gunfire and their stupid teenage moustaches. Why is the 3rd amendment so weak and what will you do to stop this?