The Result of the Official Pirate's Investigation into Government Preparedness

By Neptune's barnacl'd small clothes, that were a mean display, sir, not fit for a man nor a maid nor a sock full of old clams! T'was lubberly. Lubberly like I neer did see. Lubberly Like a capstan turned by rheumatic babies. Lubberly like a milk-fed, quarter-brained puppy grow'd up in a cask of oatmeal trying to gobble up a quarrelsome rhinocerous. Lubberly like an unbuckled shoe on a one-legged bugger dancing a hornpipe at Queen Isabella's ball, lubberly like playing jacks and drakes on the quarterdeck, lubberly like leaving all the rum ashore after raiding Tartuga, lubberly as leaving a Portsmouth chippy unromanced. Lubberly like setting to sea with yer grandmere's mothy shawl for a mains'l or victualling with only molasses and broccoli, like spitting molten lead into the weather side of a gale, like boarding a fat Indiaman, armed with one chewed wool pink mitten, like sending a gang of scurvied kittens aloft to take in the royals. Unholy slow. Lubberliness hisself. Utterly lubberly.

It be the judgement of us, as a firm entreaty of good policies in the future, the keel-haul the lubberly lot around the fleet afore setting them cast away on a low, low Carribean island.

Arr.