Research Topics For The CERN Large Hadron Collider

Coming on line in a few months, the CERN particle accelerator in Europe will be the most powerful in the world, promising a new era of research in physics. What will the scientists be investigating?

- Isolation of single top quarks.
- Confirmation of the Standard Model with long-sought discovery of predicted Higgs Particle.
- Whether concentrated proton beam travelling at near-light speed can open blister package of AA batteries.
- Seeking testable predictions of String theory with high energy collisions of mozarella particles.
- Can anti-quarks get jiggy with it?
- Using the Large Hadron Collider to find out precisely which large hadron "rules."
- Whether the evocative sounds of muons will finally be recorded, permitting scientists to develop the long-hoped for muon-onomodepia.
- Increase effectiveness of heterosexualization field generator used on Rev. Ted Haggard from 8 to 9.25 percent.
- What is with Bush?
- How many streams of anti-neutrons does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
- Testing new theory that the Big Bang was caused by Big Bird.
- Why won't girls go out with me?