NEAR FUTURE HEADLINES

'NEW' FLU SUFFERERS SUFFER 'FLU-LIKE' SYMPTOMS

"HOT" WOMAN'S "POLITE" REFUSAL INSUFFICIENT TO DISSUADE MASTURBATORY EPISODE

GENES DRIFT FROM CORNFIELD TO RANCH- ALL-BEEF POPCORN PRONOUNCED TASTY

AMERICAN MILITARY POWER SECRETLY RESENTED

OVERSIGHT DEFINES MARRIAGE AS BETWEEN MAN AND SUPERMAN

PREZ KENNEDY ZOMBIE INQUIRES ABOUT SCHWARZENEGGER BRAINS

WEATHER BLITHELY ANTICIPATED

HALF FULL

Hard to believe, but the Seahawks still have a better record than the Bengals.

MCCAIN: SPENDTHRIFT GOP DESTROYING COUNTRY

"The numbers are astonishing," said McCain, an Arizona Republican. "Congress is now spending money like a drunken sailor. And I've never known a sailor drunk or sober with the imagination that this Congress has."

According to McCain, Bush has never vetoed a spending bill...

IS THAT A BRIGADE OR A RAZOR?

He said he would fly to Iraq to repatriate the bodies, which were evacuated from the scene by helicopters of Spain's Plus Ultra Brigade.


[Note to self: find out what kind of watches the PUB wear -UttDC]

WORD ON THE STREET IS...

...this guy is the conservative liberals love. He has one obvious neocon qualification - near as I can tell, he has never held an actual job in the real world.

THE LAST WORD ON LOONEY TUNES

"It’s the Godfather III of Looney Tunes projects. It will make money, but you can almost hear Bugs say: Just when I t’ink I’m out, they keep pulling me back in, Doc."

- Jake Brooks, NY Observer

[I saw the new Looney Tunes movie- pretty sharp, actually, and a return to razor-wit. Does it work in a 90min format- hmm.-PWP]

ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE FROM PAUL KRUGMAN

Selected response's from Krugman's "Name that War!" competition:

Burning Bush
Bush League War
The Crawford Conflict
Operation Bushwhack Iraq
Bushkrieg
Operation Iraqi Liberation (aka OIL)
Mother of Oil Wars
Operation Gee Whiz, This Liberation Thing Seemed a Lot Easier When We Were Drawing It Up Back at the Think Tank
Operation Oops, We Did It Again
Operation Kick the Dog
The Empire Strikes Out
Mission Implausible: A Job Well Spun
Trek 2: Wrath of Neo-Khan
Rummy's Retreat or Cheney's Chaos or Perle's Predicament or Powell's Problem or Rice's Regret
The War of the Roves
The War That Cried Wolfowitz
The Charge of the Right Brigade
A'bombin'nation
Tigris by the Tail
War of Mass Deception
Iraq: A Hard Place

And the winners are:
Dubya Dubya III
Rolling Blunder
Desert Slog
Mess in Potamia
Blood, Baath and Beyond

AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL
Woman knocked unconscious, trampled as shopping blitz starts at Wal-Mart store

HOW SPARSELY POPULATED IS THE MIDWEST?

Two abductions, separated by seven days and 45 miles (and the Minnesota/North Dakota state line) are dismissed as coincidence. (By comparison, in San Francisco the abductions would have had to occurred in the same room to arouse suspicion.)

SICK, WRONG, AND INTRIGUING
The copy of Double Fantasy John Lennon autographed for Mark David Chapman is for sale.

"I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING"
HoustonChronicle.com - Space station 'crunch' sound still a mystery

POSERS' WORST NIGHTMARE

"Some time ago I was driving up toward Mammoth Mountain ski area when a guy in a BMW X5 went by me. So I raced with him all the way to Mammoth and took him quite by surprise. I had a similar episode on the local toll road when a Mercedes M-Class AMG went by and I tucked in behind him and we had a lot of fun until I finally blew on by. If you keep the weight down, minivans are really a kick to drive."

- Dan Gurney

MACY'S DAY PARADE, LIONS FOOTBALL, AND CASABLANCA

Thanksgiving again, and Casablanca's on TV again. Turns out it was released around Thanksgiving, 1942. Ebert calls it The Movie. Every time I watch it I remember some gem I'd forgotten, and the emotions of the thing actually intensify. I've tried to explain to my wife how the movie illustrates America's ambivalent relationship with the rest of the world, our frustration at the evil that surrounds us, our reluctance to get involved, and our deep-seated desire to do the right thing when the opportunity presents itself. And, of course, the sense of collective sacrifice that we probably haven't had since the end of that war, the subconscious longing for a worthy national objective which drives us between aimless hyperactivity and Carterian malaise. She stares back at me blankly.

Script is here.

GOD LENDS SUPPORT TO SMOKING BAN

HOMER -- A local businessman who had just finished testifying against a proposed no-smoking ordinance in Homer collapsed with a heart attack in the city council chambers Monday night and could not be revived.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GEEK WHEN...

You see a headline like this and think, "at least 14th level."


[In EQ, the Purge Initiative spell doesn't come until 44th level - UttDC]

[I'm talking D&D levels. I'd block the polling place with a blade barrier spell. -LoM]

FINALLY, MACHINES WILL BE EMANCIPATED
CNN.com - 'Master' and 'slave' computer labels unacceptable, officials say - Nov. 26, 2003

[Don't tell them about your male and female cable connectors. - MoF]

[I wonder if they'll like my "pimp/ho" idea? -LoM]

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP

The women, he said, simply knocked on the door of his hotel room, entered and had sex with him. He said he did not know if they were prostitutes because they never asked for money and he did not pay them.

"Mr. Bush, you have to admit it's a pretty remarkable thing for a man just to go to a hotel room door and open it and have a woman standing there and have sex with her," Brown said.

"It was very unusual," Bush said.

DEMS LOSING SF?

Matt Gonzalez (Green party) has moved ahead of Newsom (Democrat) in the polls. Dems peeing in their pants, rumors that Gore will be brought in. Willie Brown accusing (the hispanic) Gonzalez of racism.

("What a breakthrough. Now I can hate myself!")

ONE MAN AGAINST THE MACHINE

"Questions/concerns have been voiced by our scientists and engineers regarding material on your web," the officer informed him. "Please advise on your collection methods and who provides authorization to you allowing publication of what is presently on your web site."

"Collection methods?" Aftergood chuckled, then responded: "Authorization for publication of material on our web site is contained in U.S. Constitution, Amendment 1.

"www.usconstitution.net/const.html#Am1.

"If you have other specific concerns, let me know."

MACY FREAKIN' RULES

My view has shifted from mildly positive to virtually worshipful today as I read up on this guy. Here's a choice quote:

"Lookit. I'm playing the king of England. A technical actor will say, 'This is how the king walks, this is how he talks, this is how he's different from me, la-da-di, la-da-doo.' I think it's jive. Limited. You'll see through it. The real answer is: There is no difference between me and the king. I got the role. I am the king. It's a trick. Magic. A parlor game. Give me a costume, put me on a set, on a throne. How does the king talk? He talks like me. The king is me. It's good to be king. The end.''

So William H. Macy, Jerry Lundegaard is you?

"Totally.''

And you're Donnie Smith?

"Totally. 'Cause I got the role.'' A wan grin. "Donnie Smith is black marks on a page. The question for an actor is, what can I do that's real?"

THERE ARE NO BAD DOGS...
Yahoo! News - Dog Who Attacked Horse Belongs to SPCA Volunteer

[Probably named it "Blossom" or something... - MoF ]

THESE FOKKERS WERE ADVERTISING ON OUR PAGE

Go here and tell them you think Rush is porking Courtney.

[Geez, they'll let anybody in here. But I don't think Rush has the chops to pork, if you know what I mean. No huzzizzle in the swizzle stick, if you know what I mean. - MoF ]

YOUR FAVORITE WILLIAM H. MACY ROLE?

I say: The Shoveler. I'd missed this excellent interview w/ the Onion AV Club.

[Jerry Lundegaard for me. -LoM]

[Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, hands down. "My name is Donnie Smith and I've got a lot of love to give." CSG]

TODAY'S FASCINATINGLY DULL HEADLINES

Security guard describes parking garage incident - Anchorage Daily News

ICELANDIC FINANCIAL HEGEMONY AS FAROES STOCK MARKET IS ABSORBED

From the Iceland Review

Faroese Shares On Iceland Stock Exchange

The Iceland Stock Exchange has signed an agreement with the Faroese Stock Exchange to register the latter with the former. The director of the Iceland Stock Exchange says that this agreement will strengthen the Exchange, especially in terms of fisheries stocks. A formal agreement will be signed by 1 January, and trading could begin early next year. The Faroese Stock Exchange chose the Iceland Stock Exchange over the Danish one as the market here is small and with the same fundamentals as in the Faroe Islands.

Avoid Mutual Fund Malfeasance- Invest in the Faroese Stock Exchange!

HERE'S THE PLAN

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger presented lawmakers Monday with nearly $2 billion in midyear spending cuts aimed primarily at social programs, including payments to doctors who care for the poor and recreational programs for developmentally disabled children.

AI Losing It

And now: "Talking Bush Action Doll." "Related Searches: Kurt Cobain, Condeleeza Rice."

LEAGUE ADMITS SEAHAWKS WERE ROBBED

This just in.

AI INCREDIBLY CONFUSED

My two ads are "Buy Michael Moore Books" and "Calling All Republicans."

STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT

The Medicare drug benefit provides only marginal benefit for seniors, but busts the budget... It supposedly benefits drug makers, but drug stocks are down today...

Trent Lott claimed to hate it, but cast the deciding vote for it.

Kennedy tried to filibuster it, and all the Democratic presidential candidates opposed it, but Feinstein voted for it.

And according to Robert Samuelson, it was never a problem in the first place.


[I don't know how, why or when, but I'm willing to bet on chaos, corruption, insolvency, and disaster.-PWP]

REVENGE IS SWEET

ESPN (Disney) hires Rush Limbaugh.
NFL disapproves.
ESPN (Disney) fires Rush Limbaugh amid furor over race-baiting.
Easterbrook questions morals of Disney executives who greenlighted "Kill Bill."
ESPN (Disney) fires Easterbrook.
NFL hires Easterbrook.

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE A LIFE

EV Nova "Starfleet Adventures" now in alpha. 90 mb download.

A LIKELY STORY

He said his firm does not send spam but blamed a rival firm which he said routes much of their unsolicited bulk e-mail through Russia and eastern Europe. Mackay said such firms gave a bad name to the penis enhancement business.

GAME OVER

The Space Station in Spenard closes after 23 years.

FOR THE LOVE OF OUR EARTH, DON'T SPILL THIS TO ATKINS CENTRAL COMMAND

An excellent source of nutrition.

[I've eaten whale, once. The whales are in no danger. -LoM]

A HEARTBREAKING TALE

This is so sad. Johnson City looks pretty far away from much of anything, but a decent-sized metropolis. Kind of bucolic in the old days, though.

IT'S GOOD TO BE A LAIRD

Laird Hamilton rocks.

CHAMBERLAIN TO STEP DOWN

As of today, I have resigned my office of Chamberlain of the County Palatine of California to resume my hereditary duties, style, and title as the Laird of Madrona.

THE WORST OF ARNOLD

I produced this the following list on Friday for my coworkers when the question arose: just what were the Governator's worst movies?

---

I looked on the Internet Movie Database for the five lowest-rated Arnold Swarzenegger movies. (To qualify, it must indeed be an Arnold vehicle, thus The Villian, Red Sonya, and Batman and Robin don't count.)

5. Conan the Destroyer (1984) - 5.2

Conan (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) is promised that his dead love will be revived if he procures a magic horn from a magic fortress. He gathers Grace Jones, Mako, and Jeff Corey (fighter, wizard, and thief) to help him as he overcomes the perils on the way.

Best Line:
MALAK: Look! It's six against one!
CONAN: One, two, three... yes, I think you are right.
---

4. Junior (1994) - 4.8

Doctors Alex Hesse (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Larry Arbogast are working on a new drug which will reduce the chances of a woman's body rejecting an embryo and thus causing a miscarriage. When their research funding is withdrawn, and human experimentation is denied to them, they decide to test the drug by breifly impregnating Hesse. Hesse however becomes attached to "his" unborn baby. (Hilarity, no doubt, ensues.)

Emma Thompson and Danny DeVito were also starred (or, more appropriately, were implicated) in this movie.
---

2. (tie) Raw Deal (1986) - 4.7

Mark Kaminsky (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) is kicked out of the FBI for his rough treatment of a suspect. He winds up as the sheriff of a small town in North Carolina. FBI Chief Harry Shannon, whose son has been killed by a mobster named Patrovina, enlists Kaminsky in a personal vendetta with a promise of reinstatement into the FBI if Patrovina is taken down. To accomplish this, Kaminsky must go undercover (...blah blah blah blah).

Nothing flashy here, just a routine (bad) cop movie.

Best line:
(Arnold's alchoholic wife throws a cake at him because he's late coming home from work.)
KAMINSKY: You should not drink -- and bake.
---

2. (tie) Jingle All the Way (1996) - 4.7

Harried mattress salesman Howard Langston (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) is late for his son Jamie's karate class. To placate his unhappy son he asks him if there is anything he wants for Christmas. He wants Turbo Man. Howard naturally forgets to get it, and being Christmas eve no stores have it in stock. So Howard embarks on a (supposedly) comical quest to find one.
---

And, finally, First and Worst...

1. Hercules in New York (1970) - 2.4

The devine Hercules (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger -- billed as "Arnold Strong") is bored by his life on the Olympus and asks his father, Zeus, for a vacation on Earth. His request is denied, but by an accident with one of Zeus' lightening bolts he's thrown into New York. His inexperience with civilization and his arrogance lead into problems -- until a college professor's daughter helps him to acclimatize. He starts to like living on earth and wants to stay for longer, even when father Zeus sends Nemesis to punish him.

(I'm disappointed to say that I have only seen bits and pieces of this one on TV.)

AUSSIES CHECK NZ PM FOR BOMBS - NONE FOUND

This means war!

NEW SLADE RIPFIRE TREATMENT
Check it our here:Slade Ripfire: Burning Explosion of Hell-Fire and Justice. (Logline: "Jesus living fuck-nuts. Seriously.")

SIR, I IMPLORE YOU...

You simply must view the cinematic masterpiece Master and Commander in a theater. Really stunning, with not a single frame of evident computer-generated special effects. To give credit where credit is due, even to overpaid Hollywood superstars, Russell Crowe nails it. Betteny's performance is, if not a genius in casting, is a genius in acting, and he won me over.

[1.Did you catch the essential costume detail on the Doctor?-PWP]

A TEST OF A MAN'S CHARACTER

Finally, of course, there is the issue of hair. Newsom's is immobilized by gel, while his opponent's is flat and unruly. In [the Castro,] a neighborhood that pays attention to packaging, the candidates are equally alarming.

ATKINS CONSPIRACY - THE PLOT THICKENS

Former Mets executive blames Atkins diet + alcohol for his spouting racist gibberish.

Hmmm...two low-carb diet docs die under suspicious circumstances...THEN...diets adopted nationwide for no obvious reason [other than the fact that people "lose weight" when they're on it? -CCPC]...THEN...evidence of neurological effects of the Atkins diet... THEN...powerful forces trying to discredit the diet... Don't try to tell me these are coincidences...

INTRODUCING...

The Bay Area hip-hop dictionary. When I take the 50 to B-town and hang with my cudies, now you know what I mean.

[In the New York Times in 92, they printed a guide to "grunge" slang, famously and entirely invented on the phone by a secretary at SubPop. Note at the bottom of this site, the "submit" window - and the amusing potential to pollute. My first thought: "Huzzizzle." -PWP

WHY CELL PHONE NUMBERS SHOULD BE PORTABLE

[This is an email that was sent to a co-worker of mine by a friend of his. -CCPC]

[Two thoughts. First of all, this is one chance in your life to be a Playah - don't pass on it lightly; get yourself a Chop Suey (see entry above) and start taking the calls. Second, this has the potential to be the greatest movie ever. -MoF ]

I've been getting tons and tons of calls for this guy named Reggie Wright ever since I've had my new cell phone. Someone, a month ago, told me it used to be the number of "one of Suge Knight's people". Suge Knight is with Death Row Records. Today, I got another call for Reggie Wright and was told he worked for Suge Knight and I was advised to get my number changed!

I looked him up on the internet and here's what I found! Ack!!!! Help!!!!

Broomfield - whose film 'Biggie & Tupac' presents evidence pointing towards Death Row Records boss Marion 'Suge' Knight's involvement in the murders of both rappers - told allhiphop.com this month of his fears.

He explained: "I think Suge and a gentleman named Reggie Wright Jr. have had a falling out.

"Reggie Wright Jr., according to various sources was involved in staging the hit on Biggie Smalls. Reggie Wright, who I think may be murdered in the next few weeks, is like the weak link at the moment."

http://www.dotmusic.com/news/June2003/news29795.asp

THE EARLY VOTING

Looney Toons: Back in Action - Looks OK, maybe even funny, judging from some of the stills.

The Cat in the Hat -
"Heinous" - SF Weekly
"An Abomination" - Wall Street Journal
"Catastrophic" - FilmCritic.com
"Kitty Litter" - Philadelphia Inquirer

But Mr. Cranky gets the last word.

LET UTAH TREMBLE

North Koreans host Mongolian Prime Minister.

MOVE OVER BARRY BONDS

ZZ Top makes the Hall! Bob Seger and Traffic, too.

THE BRITISH PEOPLE SETTLE ON THE REAL ISSUE

"Have you seen that wallpaper?"

WA . CELEBRITY POLTICIANS HAVE ACTUAL EXPERIENCE ROCKING.

Krist Novaselic (of Nirvanna) may run for Lieutenant Governor of Washington. And that won't be so bad. In the story, note the former swing leader who was lt. gov.

[CENSORED -- This topic is verboten on Eisengeiste for the next 6-8 weeks! -CCPC]

KURT COBAIN'S FAVORITE BAND GETTING BACK TO TOGETHER

OK, he liked the Melvins better. And maybe the Meat Puppets. Or maybe Shonen Knife. But the Pixies were always very big in the Cobain mix. All hail.

[HUZZAWESOME!

"You buy me a soda
You buy me a soda
You buy me a soda

and try to molest me in the parking lot." -PWP]

BRITISH SECURITY NOT OPTIMAL

The Daily Mirror's Ryan Parry got a job in September as a footman at Buckingham Palace using a false reference...

Mr Parry wrote: "Had I been a terrorist intent on assassinating the Queen or American president George Bush, I could have done so with absolute ease.

"Indeed, this morning I would have been serving breakfast to key members of his government, including National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice and US Secretary of State Colin Powell.

"Such is the shocking incompetence at the heart of the biggest security operation ever in Britain."

[Dammit! Never a real terrorist around when you need one! -CCPC]

[Next time, let's send Courtney Love for comic relief. -PWP]

THINGS I WILL NOT BUY - A Reply to the Asia Times.

[Have a couple friends hum "My Country 'tis of Thee" as you read this aloud. - MoF]

Speaking as an American, Sir, there are things that I will not buy. I expect excellent quality. I expect reasonable prices. I will buy no products that promise more than they can deliver, or products that are lately touted as somehow "cool" and the "latest thing." I will not buy a wine that isn't sophisticated and mature any more than I would buy a gun that doesn't kill in one shot. I will not buy coffee that tastes like chicken. No sir, no substandard egalitarian literature for me - only sonnets featuring a good hard rogering in the original Greek. I will drive no vacuous Econ-0-Box, nor overstuffed SUV - I drive a solid teak old-world cart towed by monkeys. I don't buy "airplane tickets." I buy "air superiority." I eat fine, Tuscan-style dim-sum, prepared by pure Franciscan interns. I don't eat the endless proliferation of tasteless chopped hamburger in a plastic box. Speaking of boxes, I also eat 100% Grade-A American pussy.

No, Sir, quality is job one, two and three. I recognize it. I demand it. I boost it when no one is looking. But I also buy it, looking to my soon-to-be-mine quality product with a New World TASTE AND REFINEMENT. If I walk into store and the salesperson disregards me when I proudly pronouce "I am here for a SOPHISTICATED QUALITY product," I may
projectile vomit olive loaf as a way of underscoring my committment to SOPHISTICATED QUALITY. And if I begin urinating an ancient rune of disappointment on discovering sheets with less than a 160-thread count, it is the clearest mark of my education and worldliness.

I am so sophisticated, Sir, the fucking dictionary looks ME up. No, Sir, I will not be another hoi-pallae tarred with your stinky black brush of Anti-Americanisticism. Real Americans of QUALITY always insist on SOPHISTICATED TASTEFUL AND REFINED PRODUCTS.

I will thank you, Sir, to remember that.

[Here, here! -CCPC]

I'D SUE IF I WERE TALLER

One vignette in Chelsea Walls, a sort of Dogma-95 style digital Ethan Hawke trifle that came out last year, features Vince D'Onofrio - in goatee and #2 buzz cut- as a New York oil painter who indirectly tries to get fellow Chelsea Hotel lost bohemian Uma Thurman to go out for a cup of coffee. Note photo.

BUSH - Dereliction of Duty in 1972

Site: awolbush.com; sometimes funny, sometimes bitter.

BUSH DESCENDING A STAIRCASE

An interesting effort to monitor Bush moving around London for the purpose of political pimp-slapping.

And according to the "Red" Ken, the Mayor of London, "I actually think that Bush is the greatest threat to life on this planet that we've most probably ever seen. The policies he is initiating will doom us to extinction."

The most interesting thing about this quote - one must nuance one's objection:

Nuanced Objections to Red Ken's Quote:

1. The Giant Meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs was huge - and it could happen again!
2. Mere vast decimation of multiple species populations isn't necessarily forever.
3. Massive flooding of worldwide seaboards and global warming will only "force us to move north and inland" not "doom us to extinction."
4. Speaking of threats, today I "saw" the sun. At any moment, that thing could totally fucking explode!
5. By "us," does that include Americans?
6. Rapidly increasing disparities between rich and poor only usually cause civil war. Even then, most people who stay home live.
7. We can't rule out better lives on other planets.
8. Look, he's not the only one initiating these policies, if you know what I mean.

GROOVY HIPSTER CANDIDATE SEEKS CONTENT

"Gonzalez has no plan to address the homeless crisis,'' Newsom said [Newsom proposes replacing the dole with [non-existent -CCPC] services - MoF]. "His only strategy appears to be an attempt to attack and demonize those of us who do.''

Gonzalez wasn't available for comment Monday, but his campaign spokesman, Ross Mirkarimi, said Newsom was "pandering to an issue that pulls on everyone's heartstrings, without giving very substantive solutions.''

Gonzalez, he said, wants to focus on the root causes of homelessness and poverty, but he cited few concrete plans.

CODE NAME SHORTAGE HITS HOME

First not enough troops to put on parades, now this:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. military's code name for a crackdown on resistance in Iraq (news - web sites) was also used by the Nazis for an aborted operation to damage the Soviet power grid during World War II...

"Eisenhammer," the German for "iron hammer," was a Luftwaffe code name for a plan to destroy Soviet generating plants in the Moscow and Gorky areas in 1943, according to Universal Lexikon on the www.infobitte.de Web site.

[And by the way, the use of "Eisen" in a satiric context is the exclusive domain of this group of individuals. Any attempt to misappropriate this intellectual property will result in massive and devastating legal reprisals that will make the Microsoft antitrust trial look like "People's Court". Or the SCO case. - MoF ]

[CODE NAME: WISENHEIMER! -CCPC]

[NEW OPERATION CODE NAMES:

OPERATION THAT WAS JUST A COINCIDENCE

OPERATION FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES

OPERATION UP WITH NON-COMBATANTS!

OPERATION RESPECTFUL, PRODUCTIVE DISCOURSE

OPERATION HELLO KITTY

OPERATION WE'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE STUN GRENADES IN YOUR LIVING ROOM -PWP]

SINCERITY: IF YOU CAN FAKE THAT, YOU'VE GOT IT MADE

In a memo last month two Portland-based (?!) GOP pollsters warned that "Howard Dean can win because he believes in what he is saying, because he can semi-legitimately spin his record as governor into one of fiscal conservatism, and because he comes across as if he actually cares about people."

SHALLOW CULTURE, BAD COFFEE LEAD TO CONFLICT WITH ISLAM

If Americans will buy chardonnay saturated with oak chips to the point of resembling turpentine, burnt coffee disguised by sweet hot milk, chain-restaurant parodies of Italian food, and hand-me-down literary classics, what will they not buy?
-SPENGLER

The Asia Times can criticize Starbucks as much as it wants, but slagging Twain is uncalled for.

I wanted to provide a computer translation of Lazarillo de Tormes for cheap yucks, but couldn't get the link to work. Suggest you Google it up and hit the "translate this page" link.

STEP ONE, MAKE THE PROBLEM WORSE

SACRAMENTO, California (CNN ) -- Newly inaugurated California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed an order rolling back a 300 percent increase in state vehicle registration fees Monday, just hours after taking the oath of office.

MAYBE I CAN GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS BY WATCHING TV

Actually the Robert Kennedy tapes seem interesting. But of course he had everything to hide...

According to pollingreport.com (a favorte resource of mine), under 30% of Americans think it was a lone assassin.

SPOTTED IN THE SF FINANCIAL DISTRICT

I saw an example today of my favorite sort of political advertising: the kind where you can't tell who placed it.

The item in quesiton was a sign with three photos on it: George W. Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Gavin Newsom (the bought-and-paid-for mayoral election front runner). Under the photos were the words, "COMPASIONATE CONSERVATIVES", and "Vote on December 9th".

I'm guessing this was placed by Newsom's enemies, but it is the financial district, and you never can tell.

KEEP THE FLYING CAR AND JETPACK - I WANT THE WARP DRIVE!

See item 7 here.

Let me just say that I favor any form of transportation that makes use of Woodward's transient inertia effect, quantum vacuum energy, and/or the Casimir effect.

THE ARNOLD ERA WILL BE MANY THINGS - BUT NOT HUZZAWESOME.


Thinking of you, California, like a fond love who's run off with the local coke dealer.

[This chart shows how clever he's going to have to be - he has pledged to not cut education or healthcare, which are the majority of the budget. He can't really cut corrections because that would look soft on crime and the prisons are already a mess anyway. Debt service is going nowhere but up. Good luck Governator, you're going to need it. - MoF ]

AS LONG AS WE'RE ELIMINATING THE FILIBUSTER, LET'S JUST PUT ENVIRONMENTALISTS IN JAIL

[If it wasn't for the noble momentum of democracy, we'd already be a fascist state. -PWP]

WHY THIS DAMAGE CONTROL? WHY NOW?

I'm getting closer...just one more piece of the puzzle and I could blow this thing wide open.

Seriously now. There are two things that have kept me in the conspiracy game. Two WTFs. Jack Ruby shooting Oswald. And Oswald's time in Russia.

I still can't put either of those things to bed. But I'm getting closer all the time...

NOT TO BELABOR THE POINT, BUT HOW CAN THERE NOT BE ENOUGH MILITARY PERSONNEL TO HAVE PARADES?

An estimated 24,000 people work at the Pentagon, of which roughly half are civilians. That leaves 12,000 uniformed personnel sitting at desks - that's not enough to get a parade together?

According to this random document (which I'm not sure we're supposed to be able to read), there are 172,600 Marines, which I believe is greater than our current forward commitment in Iraq and Korea. And since the vast majority of forces in those countries are Army, perhaps some of these legendary warriors could make time to show up for a parade.

Of course were are a bit short of manpower by historical standards. Today's armed forces have about 1.3-1.4 million people (similar to the peak strength of the combined Union and Confederate armies in the Civil War). In World War II, the U.S. armed forces got up to eleven million. ELEVEN. But, not only, not only the right of free travel, I'm saying...ELEVEN.

The CIA says if we really got pissed we could get about 75 mm people into the military...

LOOKS LIKE OUR INDULGENT LEADERS MAY HAVE TO REIGN US IN A BIT

"We simply can't tolerate" continued filibusters, said Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.).

[I notice the filibuster was tolerated when it was used to block civil rights legislation. The longest on record was Strom Thurmond's 1957 performance... MoF]

FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD: HUZZAWESOME

I give it four huzzahs:

Huzzah!
Huzzah!
Huzzah!
Huzzah!

When you see it, please guess which costume detail of Dr. Maturin seals his character perfectly, watch the emotional ripples pass across Aubrey's face, duck at the flashes in the fog, note what the young midshipman writes in his notes, and Hold Fast.

The variances from the exacty O'Brian story are all defensible - Weir has accomplished a major feat, capturing the rich atmosphere of the stories in a movie, with a lack, lack mind you, of easy costume drama cues (golden light, stilted language, rosy fingers of dawn, etc). Battles are shockingly dangerous, minor characters are compelling, and there is a particular genius of pacing after battle that is an excellent read of O'Brian. Best seen as a superlative complement to the books - it's Weir's movie of Jack's World rather than an exact duplicate, which would have been utterly impossible.

[I'd say "there's not a moment to be lost," in seeing this, but I must HOLD FAST until Michelle gets back from Mexico! -CCPC]

MORAL SUPERIORITY OF CASABLANCA OVER THE ENGLISH PATIENT PROVEN

Here.

WHAT WOULD YOU NAME THE PARIS HILTON SEX TAPE?

ok, I'll start.
"Last Tango on Paris"
"Crazy Drunk Rich Chicks Gone Wild"
"Paris on a Moron" {Paris Mon Amour...Paris on a Moron... get it?}
"Who Wants to Watch Some Guy Bang a Millionaire? Everyone, apparently."
"An American in Paris"
"The E True Hollywood Story, Part 1"

Thank you, I'll be here all the week.

["Comrades, View the Shameful Imperialist Degeneration - And Await the Rise of the Masses, if you know what I mean."
"Hey, the Rich can also fuck each other!"
"What Wasn't in the Trust Fund Mission Statement"
"We'll Always have Paris."

I can't top John Stewart again: "Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very, very much, the man tapes them fucking and uploads it to the internet." -PWP]

PREPARE FOR A BROADSIDE -- OF OSCARS!
Master and Commander is pegging the Tomatometer.

[I'd like to encourage others who remember reading the Walter Monheit's film reviews in Spy Magazine in the 80's to contribute their own Monheitisms. -CCPC]

AS THE CROWE FLIES - TO BOX OFFICE VICTORY! -PWP

AND IN UMA NEWS -

Whipping fans into shape.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THE MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS

The Matrix: Pretensions
The Matrix: Involuntary Contractions
The Matrix: Excessive Graphic Generations
The Matrix: Plot Contortions
The Matrix: Dialectic Convulsions

-At least that's my unfair guess.

MY ONE-SENTENCE REVIEW OF THE MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS

The tag line, "Everything that has a beginning has an end," was the only thing to console me while watching this movie.

[John Stewart's review: "I just want to say again - The Matrix blows." I am trusting the Far Side of the World will cleanse all, or go see Kill Bill Again, and imagine all the Yakuza are the techno-goons responsible for the Matrix. PWP]

MORAL DEGENERATION CONTINUES

Who knows what this might lead to...!

[Jazz Records, Whiskey, B-Girls with loose morals - it should be totally awesome.-PWP]

SOME HARD READING

A letter from a decent human being (deceased) in Iraq.

THIS JUST IN

Guinness good for you.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Yahoo! News - Fiji Villagers Apologize for [Unregulated] Cannibalism

TRIPLICATE 747s?

This is cool / scary / interesting...

A WORD TO THE WISE

Don't let this happen to you. Also, it looks like Rawlings is having a rough day - if I were him, I'd check out the theft of that Israeli pilotless helicopter.

GREEN MONKEY BOY

Raised by monkeys? Why yes! (Oldie, but supreme)

IT COULD GET WORSE

"With only eight true moderates remaining in the Senate, many say a Breaux retirement, coupled with Miller's already announced retirement, would torpedo future bipartisan efforts."

Also this info:

"Thirty years ago, Congress members would cross party lines in their votes about two-thirds of the time. These days, only eight of the Senate's 100 members consistently vote in a way that puts them in the political center, bucking the party position when advocating an issue or settling an impasse is important to them.

"At the same time, a significant minority of the country as a whole considers itself in the moderate center. Voters nationwide roughly identify themselves as 40 percent conservative, 40 percent moderate and 20 percent liberal, said Frank Newport, editor in chief of the Gallup Poll."

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

...to mark the passing of Art Carney.

NO PARADES DUE TO DESPERATE SHORTAGE OF MILITARY PERSONNEL

1.3 mm armed forces personnel not on front-line duty in Iraq or Korea unavailable for comment.

Why is this reminding me of the California energy crisis?

HE COULD STILL RUN, RIGHT?

In his second major policy speech in three months, former vice president Al Gore took aim yesterday at what he said was the Bush administration's exploitation of the terrorist attacks of 2001 to justify an undemocratic suspension of domestic freedoms and to create a government built on "secrecy and deception."

ALTRUISTIC SEAHAWKS SAVE SPURRIER'S JOB

Spurrier did not call the plays in the game.

COMPUTER GAMES IMPROVE PRODUCTIVITY

Imagine how productive they'd be if they played Civilization instead of minesweeper.

KILL HIM, MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT

Two of the inventors of the low-carb diet, Atkins and Tarnower (if she was guilty, why didn't she cop to manslaughter???), have now died...unnaturally. The baking industry denies involvement. And business gets worse every day. More on this story as it develops.

NO MORE PIDDLING AROUND WITH THAT SISSY .44

This is a man's weapon.

OH TO BE A JUDGE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Wife's lesbian sex ruled not adultery.

I guess the founding fathers didn't foresee hot double-dildo action. But seriously, it looks like NH is laboring under a procreation-based view of adultery, which I would speculate is rooted in an obsession with bloodlines that came over with the cavaliers who colonized Virginia, as documented by David Hackett Fischer. Apparently in the old days it was not ok for a wife to sleep around because paternity and bloodlines were important. But it was ok for a guy to sleep, as long as it wasn't with someone else's wife...

This fellow has an interesting take on it all: "In almost all societies where honorableness is most intensively observed, hierarchy of biological and temperamental ascriptions is thought essential: man over woman, patriarch over dependents--male and female--recognized bloodlines over obscure origins, age over youth, prowess over physical weakness, sociability over intellectuality, and, in America, white skin over black and dark hues."

TOP SECRET INFO

Comprehensive new New York Times article about new top secret Special Forces units and their covert missions. Remember: don't tell anyone, this is secret stuff.

I'll see some of you soon
Some of you later.

Here is some entertainment for the interim.

WELCOME TO THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE

One of Schwarzenegger's main campaign promises was to roll back Davis's tripling of the state car tax. The tax increase, worth $4 billion, raised money for local governments. It turns out that roughly 20 percent of the money goes to fire departments.

On the one side are firefighters, leaders of local governments and many Democrats. They're telling Schwarzenegger that localities need the money and that this disaster is precisely the escape hatch he gave himself on his campaign promises about taxes. On the other side are conservative Republicans who will nail the new governor for any backtracking on taxes. In Monday's Los Angeles Times, state Sen. Tom McClintock, a staunch conservative who ran a respectable third in the recall election, denounced "recent attempts to link the state's devastating fires to repeal of the car tax."

GIVE GUNS TO THE DESK JOCKEYS

Hmm, 1.5 mm people in the U.S. Armed Forces and we can't find 100,000 to put into Iraq? What do the other 1.4 mm do?

[And Announcing 2004's Number One Draft Pick!: Able-Bodied American Males, 18-27 -PWP]

TRUST ME, I'M A SCIENTIST

Cloned meat is really safe. No, seriously, it's a proven scientific fact. Ignore that scientific review panel! This has been proven conclusively!

[ Hmmm...what about cloned human food? - PFRHFCP ]

Monogamous Homos Try To Spoil Traditional, Anglican Marriage

"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians are an affront to Christians everywhere," declared Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian. "I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, his wife Anne Boleyn, his wife Jane Seymour, his wife Anne of Cleves, his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through this assault on our 'traditional Christian marriage.'"

(Lifted from www.landoverbaptist.org)

YES, HORTENSE, THERE IS A MONGOLIA SHIPPING REGISTER

Perhaps they can be stopped by the Utah Coast Guard.

[Finally, a naval power the French can defeat. -CCPC]
[You're killing me. The Utah Coast Guard is such a large, complex organization that it is divided into four, count them four flotillas... -MoF]

MONGOLIAN SHIP (!) SMOKING, RUDENESS, IN GREECE

Athens (Ekathirmerini) The (Greek) Coast guard confiscated a Mongolian-flagged ship, and its load of more than 1,800 packets of cigarettes, after spotting the freighter off the coast of Spetses with its lights off on Sunday night, the Merchant Marine Ministry said yesterday. The Mikele — whose papers were forged and which is not listed on Mongolia’s shipping register — had departed from the Bulgarian port of Varna last Tuesday for Bar in Montenegro.

There's a Mongolian shipping reigster?

ULAN-TO-UTAH MONGOL HOARDES VEX MORMONS

Ulan Bataar (Mongol Messenger, 11-5) Of late, there has been a spate of stories relating to Mongolians involved in criminal activities in Utah and other northern states. Violations of American law have included driving cars while under the influence of alcohol, drinking in their places of residence, theft, robbery, battery and attacking each other. Mongolians are also getting a reputation for arrogance and rude behaviour.

[Maybe those things are illegal in Utah... -CCPC]

FOX, BRUCKHEIMER, FAIL TO SELL SEX

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Fox has canceled prolific producer Jerry Bruckheimer's new series "Skin" after three low-rated airings.

This follows on the heels of Fox's inexplicable cancellation of Fastlane (think: The Fast and the Furious, with lesbians).

What is wrong with our society?!

IT'S OFFICIAL

Yahoo! News - California Town Votes to Love Nature

[Next Ballot: Free Thorazine? -PWP]

CALL ME CAPTAIN REIFICATION

(Seattle PI) Uma Thurman, who plays a jump-suited assassin in "Kill Bill Vol. 1," told the New York Post, "I don't mind being objectified anymore. Look at me, I'm 33. I've got 10 minutes left. Please objectify me!"

Now, who can get me into Soho House?

THE RIGHT IS SELDOM THIS SUBTLE, BUT THEN SO IS THE LEFT

Having trouble counting the layers of irony in this site.

Perhaps none are there.

THE POWER OF GOOGLE

Mulch Magic located, still no word on Marv.

[This fascinating product, which is used to make mulch appear more attractive by esssentially staining in a variety of colors , is, I opine, the ideal Republican product: a violent misapplication of aesthetics and probably harmful to the environment - it's two steps short of varnishing the forest. -PWP]

[I would also like to offer "varnishing the forest" as a more colloquial, West Coast alternative to "gilding the lily." -PWP]

THE BURNING QUESTION

How can we get our young people to watch more TV?

Some Post Halloween Spookiness-

-Here is how the preamble to the Washington State Constitution starts:

We, the people of the State of Washington, grateful to the
Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this
constitution.

And no neither Lloyd or Vonn can be Supreme Ruler of the Universe. It's my turn this week.

OPINION TURNING AGAINST IRAQ POLICY

I suppose we have the "liberal media" to thank for this.

SCUTTLEBUTT ON THE BUZZ
I've taken a look at the posts on the Gunroom, the notirously fussy O'Brian fan site, and some have seen the print - all reports are outstanding, the only serious complaints are that Bellamy is too tall.

THE GREATER OF TWO WEEVILS

Weevil named for O'Brian!

NOT A MOMENT TO LOSE

By the way, the making of Master and Commander is running on HBO - it does look awesome, Weir and Crowe's dedication and appreciation of the source looks impressive, and even Bellamy looks appropriately disagreeable. Give you joy of the opening this month. sir. I may even forgive the replacement of the American frigate with a French frigate. My only concern is whether the script will live up to the music of O'Brian's language - but everyone read the whole series and Weir was clearly thinking about the problem. And Crowe seems to pull off exactly the necessary emotional range - a tactical warrior with a woundable cheer.

THE AI GIVES UP

Notice we are no longer targeted except by generalities.

ACCURATE BUT NOT BALANCED?

"Although the miniseries features impressive production values and acting performances, and although the producers have sources to verify each scene in the script, we believe it does not present a balanced portrayal of the Reagans for CBS and its audience," the network said in a statement.

TENACIOUS D HUNGER STRIKE

The strike will end early if:
- there is peace in the middle east
- "hunger is solved"
- their album goes platinum

"If we need extra nourishment, we will live off each others' rock."

WHAT A CALL

"Then there was the time I took a deliberate safety against Denver..."

INVEST IN AN ICE-FREE ARCTIC OCEAN

Plans by a GWB appointee to take advantage of global warming to undertake new, shorter arctic shipping routes. Of course global warming, like sex education and human evolution, needs more study.

PATCH GRIZZLY ADAMS

According to my model Sara, she's got a part in a new Robin Williams movie filming in Homer, yes that Homer, this February.

Priscilla's Name Suggestions for my Boat

Pickpocket
Lil Whompy
Honest Aline
Sock
Riveted
Knitted
Pony Pony Pony
Intrinsic
Quiet Shh

[From the looks of it, Priscilla's nickname should be "Hotness". - MoF ]

Yes, indeedy-do. She also has the effrontery to be tolerably brilliant .

I LIKE MOZILLA FIREBIRD

I so rarely praise software - but the simple, fast Mozilla Firebird has made my old Aptiva running on a 56K modem pretty tolerable. Thought you'd like to know.

CAN YOU TOP THIS?

"Oh, you ran a marathon, good for you. I ran seven marathons in the past seven days."

"Oh, you're taking up windsurfing? I windsurfed across the Pacific Ocean last month."

"Oh, you climbed the Seven Summits? I've climbed six so far, and snowboarded down them. Everest is proving a little tricky, however."

[FUCK YOU, SHARK -
According to CNN, the 13 year-old surfer girl who had her arm chomped off last week by a shark is planning to continue surfing. -PWP]

INTRODUCTION TO COMPARATIVE POLITICS

Goppers (my new derisive term) indicate who may be shopping for a Hummer.

Proof that Anchorage is becoming cosmopolitan

The license plate on a rather large Dodge Ram pickup seen today on C street reads:

4ARAFT

Behind his wraparound shades and tinted windows, I couldn't make out much about the driver.


[Alaska Whitewater adventure with the PLO!] -PWP

A GOOD TURN FROM THE SUPREMES

The court quietly rejected appeals from suspended Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who had argued the monument properly acknowledges "God as the source of the community morality so essential to a self-governing society."

SO HARD TO TYPE THESE WORDS...I AGREE WITH GEPHARDT

"I don't want to be the candidate for guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks. I will win the Democratic nomination because I will be the candidate for the guys with American flags in their pickup trucks..."

SPACE GHOST DVD

Ships November 18th. Unfortunately does not include "Snatch" starring Steven Wright, the Iliad of postmodern animated comedy talk show episodes. Representative quotes:

"Bring me my monocle, I want to look rich."
"Of course it worked! But now I have a better plan."
"Here's what we do. We order one of those mind-erasing kits."
"We'll go get some coffee. You stay here, try to live. If anything bad happens...to you...we'll be getting coffee..."