THE WORST OF ARNOLD
I produced this the following list on Friday for my coworkers when the question arose: just what were the Governator's worst movies?
I looked on the Internet Movie Database for the five lowest-rated Arnold Swarzenegger movies. (To qualify, it must indeed be an Arnold vehicle, thus The Villian, Red Sonya, and Batman and Robin don't count.)
5. Conan the Destroyer (1984) - 5.2
Conan (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) is promised that his dead love will be revived if he procures a magic horn from a magic fortress. He gathers Grace Jones, Mako, and Jeff Corey (fighter, wizard, and thief) to help him as he overcomes the perils on the way.
MALAK: Look! It's six against one!
CONAN: One, two, three... yes, I think you are right.
4. Junior (1994) - 4.8
Doctors Alex Hesse (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Larry Arbogast are working on a new drug which will reduce the chances of a woman's body rejecting an embryo and thus causing a miscarriage. When their research funding is withdrawn, and human experimentation is denied to them, they decide to test the drug by breifly impregnating Hesse. Hesse however becomes attached to "his" unborn baby. (Hilarity, no doubt, ensues.)
Emma Thompson and Danny DeVito were also starred (or, more appropriately, were implicated) in this movie.
2. (tie) Raw Deal (1986) - 4.7
Mark Kaminsky (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) is kicked out of the FBI for his rough treatment of a suspect. He winds up as the sheriff of a small town in North Carolina. FBI Chief Harry Shannon, whose son has been killed by a mobster named Patrovina, enlists Kaminsky in a personal vendetta with a promise of reinstatement into the FBI if Patrovina is taken down. To accomplish this, Kaminsky must go undercover (...blah blah blah blah).
Nothing flashy here, just a routine (bad) cop movie.
(Arnold's alchoholic wife throws a cake at him because he's late coming home from work.)
KAMINSKY: You should not drink -- and bake.
2. (tie) Jingle All the Way (1996) - 4.7
Harried mattress salesman Howard Langston (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger) is late for his son Jamie's karate class. To placate his unhappy son he asks him if there is anything he wants for Christmas. He wants Turbo Man. Howard naturally forgets to get it, and being Christmas eve no stores have it in stock. So Howard embarks on a (supposedly) comical quest to find one.
And, finally, First and Worst...
1. Hercules in New York (1970) - 2.4
The devine Hercules (California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger -- billed as "Arnold Strong") is bored by his life on the Olympus and asks his father, Zeus, for a vacation on Earth. His request is denied, but by an accident with one of Zeus' lightening bolts he's thrown into New York. His inexperience with civilization and his arrogance lead into problems -- until a college professor's daughter helps him to acclimatize. He starts to like living on earth and wants to stay for longer, even when father Zeus sends Nemesis to punish him.
(I'm disappointed to say that I have only seen bits and pieces of this one on TV.)