The Nutmeg of Consolation, Sloop of Few Guns, Off Doggie Head

SEA CHASE!

As the Nutmeg of Consolation pushed 2 knots today 3 points off a weak Southwesterly, I beheld the large sloop-rigged yacht sharing my bearing off what I like to call Doggie Head, just past the NOAA station. I had crossed her bows only a half glass before, each of us attempting to gain a little Southing in the light airs. But our paths kept crossing, the larger vessel suddenly giving chase. Not in the lee of Doggie Head, I actually gained against the monster for a moment. A wily sea dog, she matched my movements. I considered starting my water but it was barely a pint and would never have speeded me along hardly at all.

Finally passing at pistol shot to port, she bore round and headed up to come about and cross my bows. A confrontation? There she held all aback, and we exchanged greetings. Soon they inquired if I had any ice. I demured, having no ice, but offered sandpaper, which I did in fact have. Hilarity ensued and they begged I cross her stern, where they threw me a delicious Ballard Bitter. Hail to the fair ship Kahuna!

IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET ENOUGH NELSON

It is impossible to overstate how cool Nelson was. Fortunately, there is The Nelson Society, which provides institutional support for all things Nelsonian.

They include on their website an excellent account of Trafalgar, including his legendary coolness as the battle was commencing.

"The Victory, surging towards the enemy line, could not bring her own broadside to bear and was raked from bow to stern by their broadsides. One shot smashed the ship's wheel to splinters and she had to be steered by the forty seamen standing by the huge tiller on the lower gun-deck, helm-orders reaching them by messenger. Another shot cut through a file of marines standing along the rolled hammocks packed in netting along the bulwarks as a barricade and waiting to engage enemy snipers; eight were dead and Nelson ordered the survivors to be dispersed around the upper deck. Splinters of wood whirred across the quarter deck, one denting the silver buckle of Hardy's shoe; he caught the admiral's eye and Nelson said calmly: 'This is too warm work to last long.' "

And Hardy writes in the log: "Partial firing continued until 4.30 p.m., when, a victory having been reported to the Right Hon. Lord Nelson, K.B., and Commander-in-Chief, he died of his wounds."

RED IS "THE NEW BLACK"

I noticed in an article about HMS Victory that Nelson had the ship's decks painted red in order to reduce the trauma his crew would endure at the sight of decks covered with their own blood....And the paint job went with the new drapes.

NELSON'S FUNERAL PROCESSION ON THE THAMES

A HERO'S FAREWELL

"The sun shone down from a pale blue January sky on a scene that was to have no parallel for close on a hundred years. Not until the death of Queen Victoria in 1901, in fact, was the metropolis again to behold anything comparable to the funeral of Lord Nelson.

"The procession was headed by 10,000 regular troops led by Sir David Dundas. They were followed by several hundred mourning carriages in which rode the Princes of the Blood and many of the first men in the realm. More than thirty admirals and a hundred Captains attended the greatest naval commander in history to his last resting-place. At Temple Bar they were joined by the Lord Mayor and his train, who took their place after the Prince of Wales. The procession was so long that the Scots Greys who marched at the head of it were entering the cathedral before the officeRs of the Navy and Army who brought up the rear had even left the Admiralty. To the sorrowful strains of the 'Dead March in Saul' played on the fifes and muffled drums, it moved forward at a slow and solemn pace. The entire procession took more than three and a half hours to pass.

"The windows and balconies along the route were black with spectators, and every inch of standing room on the pavements was filled. For days people had been flocking in from the country to witness Nelson's funeral. 'Town was never so full.' The behavior of this vast concourse of onlookers of all ranks was surprisingly quiet and orderly. It was said that a greater degree of decorum was observed than was ever before noticed in so great a multitude.

"The most interesting part of the cavalcade, however, and that which seemed to make the strongest impression on the crowd, was the company of four dozen seamen from the Victory who marched ahead of the carriages bearing the two shot-scarred Union Jacks and the St. George's ensign belonging to the flagship. The sight of these sturdy, weather-beaten tars in their well-loved uniform made a stronger appeal to the sympathies of the onlookers than all the pomp and pageantry of the procession.

"It was not only the common people who thought this way. 'It was magnificent,' related Mrs. Codrington, who, as one of the 'Wives of Trafalgar', was privileged to witness the funeral service in the cathedral; 'it was solemn and impressive to the last degree,' yet, as she had to admit, 'the part that spoke to my heart most powerfully (and that I must acknowledge did touch me deeply) was when the sailors of the Victory brought in Nelson's colors; and this I attribute to its being the only thing that was Nelson - the rest was so much the Herald's Office.' "

G.J. Marcus, The Age of Nelson

THE FULL NELSON

Friends,

I write you from an internet cafe in the shadow of Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, London. On Saturday, I paid my respects at the site of Lord Nelson's tomb in St. Paul's Cathedral. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of visiting Her Majesty's Ship, Victory, 104 guns, in the Royal Shipyards at Plymouth. I later enjoyed several pints with a couple of old salts (former RN) in the Lady Hamilton public house near the dockyards, a splendid cap to a splendid weekend. I must remark that, however much I would have enjoyed walking Nelson's quarterdeck, I appreciate the Navy's decision to have it remain off limits to visitors. I wish you all could have been there.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

I DID NOT KNOW THAT

At the end of this article, they point out that there are 6 million expatriate workers in Saudi Arabia, about 25% of the country's population.

AND NOW, ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF "BAGPIPES AT WAR"

The shrill squeaking that filtered through the thin armory walls in Albuquerque almost was too much for Marine Maj. John Shafer to bear.

Next door, Marine 1st Sgt. Dwayne Farr seemed to hit every wrong note while learning to play the bagpipes.

"We were miserable for the first four months, but slowly he started making music,"

EASY COMPANY BACKS KERRY

A note on Kerry at the WWII memorial dedication in the Globe.

I'm getting more and more optimistic - on the flight back from my failure to reach Cincinnati (oh -the ignomony) I had a long chat with a senior executive at DHL express, formerly a big money list GOP fundraiser, who was disgusted at his own country club colleagues' bottom line myopia, heartbroken by the cynical destruction of the American Middle Class, and not only was he voting for Kerry but called this election a choice between democracy and empire. I brought up our take on the reality of multinational corruption was much worse that the most outrageous left wing caricature, he only agreed, and provided more evidence. I suppose I should suspect why he was riding in coach.

Shot By A Dentist

MEANWHILE, IN TOLERANT, GROOVY NORTH BEACH

A gallery owner is beaten and run out of town for anti-Iraq War art in her place. My message to the SFPD - catch the clowns who did this, or leave the station quietly and let the nice fellas from the Mob have your office. 'Cause if this can go down here, you're obviously not in charge.

[It's the repeated attacks that make this so distressing. I was frankly amazed at how mild the painting in question was to provoke this reaction - (it's interesting that a painting caused the reaction, and I think it has something to do with a painting being a real thing, a hanging immutable argument before your eyes.) Freedom means the ability to practice freedom, to speak and make in substance, in choice. Fascism is brewing in the hearts of these thugs, and they need to be stopped. -FSL

OUR COMMITMENT TO TOTAL TRAVEL FIASCO

At American Airlines, we have renewed our commitment to TOTAL TRAVEL FIASCO, or what we like to call "TTF." For example, say you are travelling to Ohio for a critical job interview when your flight is delayed in Dallas due to weather. Following the principles of TTF, we will cancel the flight after 6 hours of 10 minute delays. After taking you out of the rescheduling line to put you in a much longer line to speak with people who know much less, we will hand you a stand-by flight for the next day, arriving well after the interview begins. We will also call a courtesy van from La Quinta hotels for you.

La Quinta will then be happy to inform you that the van no longer operates after 10. We will then arrange for you to stay at Motel 6 with a full $4 off the regular price. While you and 30 people are waiting for the Motel 6 van for an hour, it becomes apparant that the mini-van will not hold everyone. Under the principles of TTF, as the empty La Quinta van passes by 3 times, Billy Joel will entertain the passenger loading area with several of his recorded hit songs as the sprinkler system randomly starts up behind you, providing a cooling contrast to the 90 degree evening humidity.

Arriving illegally at Motel 6, an undertrained night clerk will check in 45 people within 2 hours. And with four full hours of refreshing sleep, its back to D-FW and all the many wonders of a Texas airport, such as a clear view of the Pres. George Bush Parkway sign.

We will make slight efforts to get you on your flight - we will in fact, allow you to board after hours of stand-by. As you finally settle in to your aircraft seat, the announcement that the plane is overweight will be made and you will be removed back to the terminal. A flight which arrives a full 4 hours after the all day interview with an entire humanities department and two deans will then be offered to you, stand-by, along with a beration for not understanding why a cancelled flight passenger might not be assigned seating priority.

We at American Airlines know that with our renewed commitment to TOTAL TRAVEL FIASCO, you'll notice the difference!

[I hear it's even worse if you fly coach. - Dr. X]

NIXON AWKWARDISTIES

David Frost told a story about Nixon's beathtaking awkwardness. During the Frost interviews between segments, Nixon, in an apparant attempt to be one of the guys, leaned over to Frost and asked "So, David, do any fornicating recently?"

Nixon's particularly pathetic form of evil stemmed from what seems like a mutated mild autism. If you can't relate to humans, control them.

IT'S NIXON WEEK AT ESPRIT DE FER

"You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists."

—Nixon to H. R. (Bob) Haldeman in May 1971

SAY WHAT YOU WANT, THE MAN WAS QUOTABLE

"Look, people get drunk ... People chase girls. And the point is, it's a hell of a lot better for them to get drunk than to take drugs. It's better to chase girls than boys."

—Nixon on a graphic account of Amb. Arthur Watson's groping stewardesses while drunk on a March 1972 flight to Washington

CHOOSE VICTORY MR. MCCAIN

CBS Poll: Kerry/McCain: 53%, Bush/Skeletor: 39%

Well, what's it going to be, John? Dance for The Man? Or victory?

WHO IS RIGHTFUL PRINCE OF GHOR?

This guy. No really, he just found out. No kidding.

BURNING DOWN MR. SAATCHI

London fire destroys a comprehensive survey of contemporary British Art, opening, I think, opportunities.

[The Bloomberg report on this has this illuminating quote from Dinos Chapman: "We will just make it again. It's only art." - Dr. X ]

A SAN FRANCISCO STORY

You know, there are some towns in American where a cop might get into trouble for performing in a few porno movies on the side. And despite all the mean things The Laird says about The Chronicle, they got the story.

New York Times, eat your heart out.

IT WASN'T AS BAD AS YOU THOUGHT, IT WAS WORSE

In October 1973, U.S.-Soviet tensions were peaking over the Arab-Israeli war, and British Prime Minister Edward Heath's office called the White House just before 8 p.m. to ask to speak with Nixon.

"Can we tell them no?" Kissinger asked his assistant, Brent Scowcroft, who had told him of the urgent request. "When I talked to the president, he was loaded."

Scowcroft replied: "We could tell him the president is not available and perhaps he can call you."

NY TIMES BACKS DR. X ON NY TIMES

The Times takes itself to task for Iraq reporting.

[I'm glad The Times has stepped up and exposed The Times's journalistic shortcomings. Maybe it's time to start reading The Times again. - Dr. X ]

HOW TO BEHAVE IN A PUB

A co-worker recommended this site when they learned of my upcoming business trip to London. You, too, may find it illuminating.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

Seattle yardsale to fund guy's trip back to Africa to get wife, pay for 100-cow dowry.

LUGAR DISGRUNTLED, DISLOYAL

Republican Sen. Richard G. Lugar on Saturday said the United States isn't doing enough to stave off terrorism and criticized President Bush for failing to offer solid plans for Iraq's future.

IF YOU READ ONLY ONE THING ABOUT BUSINESS

Read this, which I found linked from Andrew Tobias's excellent website.

IN CONTRAST TO TAXACHUSETTS

Taxachusetts may be a living hell from a conservative point of view but I notice a lot of really smart people choose to live there and take advantage of the outstanding educational and cultural opportunities available there.

Given that the GOP now seems determined to create a plutocracy along Latin American lines, I suggest Texas be referred to as Texatina from now on. You know, beef, cowboys, militaristic bullies. The main difference between Texas and Argentina that I can detect is that in Argentina they have better dancing.

EVEREST BITES BACK

It was a good summit season on Everest 'til yesterday, with dozens of people summiting. Now it's chaos. People are dying, and searchers have gone missing. This is not some storm-driven event like the Into Thin Air debacle...it looks like there are just too many people on the mountain who are pushing too far past their limits. Memo to commercial guides and the permitting authorities: 63-year old women should not be attempting Everest.

Meanwhile, this guy (taking advantage of the trail broken by the 90 climbers who went before him) climbed from base camp to the summit in about the time you spend at the office in a day.

JUST THINKING...

Poison dart frogs are cool.

IT SUPPORT TO THE RESCUE

Windows XP and your Dell are more than capable of connecting an external keyboard. 9 times our of 10, the problem is the ps/2 to usb adapter. You should have one PS/2 port on that computer. Try connecting the keyboard directly into the PS/2 port and see if that works. If so, your problem is the adapter. If not, I would get myself a USB keyboard. Also make sure you have the latest XP service pack. That might ("might") help.

As for Seattle IT volunteer work. How much time do they need? I might be able to work something out. Email me with greater details.

THE I.T. CALL TO NATIONAL SERVICE

Ok, this is shameless, but it's time to be shameless. The Washington State Democratic Coordinated Campaign (Kerry plus Murphy etc) office, needs an occassional volunteer IT person. Does anybody know of anyone on your message groups of mystery who lives in Seattle who might be able to regularly volunteer some IT time for the Kerry Campaign? And does anyone know the answer to this minor yet vexing problem:

I have a Dell Inspiron 1100, I am trying to connect it to a Microsoft Natural keyboard through a PS/2 to USB adaptor, but my computer will not recognize the adaptor, I’m running XP

Don't let Kerry be defeated by XP! And thank you for indulging.

[If the adapter is not specifically designed for PS/2 keyboards, and possibly that keyboard in particular, you might be SOL. In any case, if it works, XP will not see the adapter, but the keyboard. Or perhaps I guessed wrong, and it's a USB keyboard that you want to adapt to the laptop's PS/2 port? Naaah.

Kerry has no hope against XP. -UttDC]

Nor do any of us. - FSL

WHAT'S YOUR TQ?

"New details about Seisint's development of the "terrorism quotient," including the revelation that authorities apparently acted on the list of 120,000, are renewing privacy activists' suspicions about Matrix's potential power."

HACK HASTERT DISSES MY MAIN MAN MCCAIN

Story here.

McCain's classy and eloquent response: "All we are called upon to do is not spend our nation into bankruptcy while our soldiers risk their lives. I fondly remember a time when real Republicans stood for fiscal responsibility. Apparently those days are long gone for some in our party."

"Limousine Liberal" Loses Yet More Sting

From the Times:

Mr. DeLay has also abandoned plans to dock a luxury cruise ship on the West Side of Manhattan to serve as a hotel and entertainment center for Republican officials and their guests. Republicans had feared it would make them look elitist.

I'm beginning to hate these comcast guys

First they generally suck, but then they go and purchase my favorite cable channel, TechTV. Then they suck even more by firing everyone and announcing plans to merge TechTV with their sucky gaming channel. Man these guys suck!

War, pestilance, terrorists at our door and now this. How much can one geek bear? Thank god the Flyers are still in the Stanley Cup.

BETTER THAN CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON?

They loved it at Cannes.

A little sad that they had to go to Ukraine to find pristine forests...

THE SCARIEST CODE

On learning the Laird had not yet experienced spammimic, the encryption program that disguises messages as SPAM, I felt obliged to post it here.

This technology must not fall into the wrong hands. For example, the message "We attack at dawn" would be encoded as:

Dear Friend ; Your email address has been submitted
to us indicating your interest in our newsletter .
We will comply with all removal requests . This mail
is being sent in compliance with Senate bill 1625 ;
Title 8 , Section 307 . Do NOT confuse us with Internet
scam artists ! Why work for somebody else when you
can become rich within 53 weeks . Have you ever noticed
how many people you know are on the Internet and nearly
every commercial on television has a .com on in it
! Well, now is your chance to capitalize on this .
WE will help YOU sell more plus sell more . You can
begin at absolutely no cost to you . But don't believe
us ! Ms Jones who resides in Hawaii tried us and says
"I was skeptical but it worked for me" ! This offer
is 100% legal . Because the Internet operates on "Internet
time" you must act now . Sign up a friend and you'll
get a discount of 50% ! Thanks . Dear Internet user
; Especially for you - this cutting-edge news ! If
you no longer wish to receive our publications simply
reply with a Subject: of "REMOVE" and you will immediately
be removed from our club ! This mail is being sent
in compliance with Senate bill 1624 ; Title 8 ; Section
302 ! THIS IS NOT A GET RICH SCHEME ! Why work for
somebody else when you can become rich as few as 78
months . Have you ever noticed most everyone has a
cellphone plus people are much more likely to BUY with
a credit card than cash . Well, now is your chance
to capitalize on this ! We will help you turn your
business into an E-BUSINESS plus use credit cards on
your website ! You are guaranteed to succeed because
we take all the risk . But don't believe us . Mr Jones
of Georgia tried us and says "Now I'm rich many more
things are possible" ! This offer is 100% legal ! So
make yourself rich now by ordering immediately ! Sign
up a friend and you'll get a discount of 60% . Best
regards !

I SO ENJOY A GOOD DEFECTION

Tucker Carlson moving to PBS, calls the Iraq war "a total nightmare and disaster." He puts his finger on the current conservative dilemma: ""I don't like authoritarianism in any of its forms. I don't want to be bossed around by people or the government."

SMART CAR NOW IN U.S.

There's now a distributor in Santa Rosa, it appears from this news story.

WW DV DO?

Enjoyable photoshop contest on what Da Vinci would be up to if he were alive today. The Bugatti Leonardo is itself a masterpiece, IMHO...

THE EGOTISM OF PARANOIA

Technology allowed me this as well today: Sitemeter report an army.mil hit on Today's Tomorrow's. I naturally checked it out, and it listed the MSN search term, which was, naturally enough, "appleby's restaraunt."

This is what the master spy clicked on:


Incredible View of Denali Blocked by Clouds, Squalls, Trees, Power Lines, Appleby's Sign, Abandoned K-MART and that Asshole Who Won't Move His Fucking House Trailer

FREMONT ON CNN

I am in some awe of modern news services - I just learned about events in Fremont in sight of my front door FROM CNN, NOT from LOOKING OUT MY FRONT DOOR. (The 'prisoner hooding' of the Interurban people sculpture that everyone likes to decorate- and the guy who swiped the hoods and ran away as well as the blessed Seattle progressives that chased him and retrived the hoods!)

Meanwhile, Kerrys HQ is opening ten blocks away, and in two weeks I have to interview for a visiting professorship near Cincinnati.

MASTER AND COMMANDER

The Nutmeg (Working title) was finally put to its paces today. Here she is in all her 14 foot of finery, having just been taken out for 6 hours of sea, or in this case, lake, trials. Huzzah!

The great moment, arguably 35 years in coming (that's how long I've wanted my own boat) came after a full hour fiddling with rusty turnbuckles. I have little good to say about rusty turnbuckles, other than this is the ideal name for a geeky porn star. If you check the Alaskan tool kit of the mind, you will discern the solution: WD-40 (The other choices were duct tape and vise grips). Standing rigging problem adequately if not elegantly solved, it was time to launch.

A beautiful day it was, as you can see, but as I lowered the 500 lb riveted, wood and glass sloop into the water with an unassuming hand truck (and pulling the neat trick of not having a heart attack in the process) the wind naturally died. I spent two hours in enthusiastic drifting, turned down two towing offers, and with the moral authority gained therin the wind came up and the Nutmeg danced and burbled across the old Navy floatplane bay at Sand Point, named, of course, after all the sanding one does on one's boat.

She's got an odd helm, due to her dual leeboards, and digs a trifle by the head, but points like a champ and is amazingly stiff and stable. She's slow and steady, but up for heavy weather. Three can sail comfortably. The Nutmeg is the very sort of robust picnic boat pictured in the 3rd article in the July 1947 Popular Mechanics.

Aye! What a Glorious Sea Bitch! as mother sun appeared underneath the cloud layer and the wind sang, pushing Nutmeg past the NOAA headquarters and bearing down on the dog beach, the one beach where the dogs can go in Northeast Seattle. I waved to a cute little kid on the other beach, turned, and headed back running free, literally into the sunset.

[ Huzzah! Huzzizzle! I am heartily glad to hear of it. I wish you great joy of it, Sir. Howsomeever, I was not able to access the photo on Yahoo! -- some sort of permissions problem, no doubt. -LoM ]

{My Compliments to you Sir, and if you would be so good as to inspect the site again, I trust you will not be brought by the lee. -FSL}

[Can scarcely be improved upon. Except you should wear an eyepatch... - Dr. X]

[Aye, and a tricornered hat. -UttDC]

BRITS NIX PITT'S PTHIAN FLICK

The Independent's unimpressed, but I'm for anything that gets the Iliad out there. This map is good, and this fellow has pushed the Iliad/Powerpoint thing about as far as I'd like to see it pushed. But the best thing I've found is this recording, which lets you hear the opening for yourself.

AN UNCORRUPTED AMERICAN INSTITUTION

My son is now discovering Sesame Street. It's a fairly remarkable show, and there's about a book's worth of material up on Wikipedia about it. A few interesting points:

- It has won more Emmies than any other television show.

- The biggest shock for me: Snuffleupagus is no longer invisible to humans! This was changed in the 80s - with sexual predator concerns they didn't want adults on the show refusing to believe a character (Big Bird).

- Miss Piggy was supposedly inspired by Loretta Swit.

I HATE ARKANSAS NAZIS

"Two dozen white supremacists held a rally Saturday near the site of the school that was the subject of the historic Brown v. Board of Education decision, but they cut the demonstration short after an unidentified car drove through their assembly, forcing them to dive into a river for refuge." Okay, I made that last part up.

DON'T FREAK OUT, OK?

I know what it looks like. It looks like I impulsively changed blog formats and blew away months' worth of work on the links sidebar. I know that's how it looks, and you have a right to feel that way. I did save the links, however, and, as soon as I complete a course in advanced HTML coding, will seamlessly re-integrated them into the blog in an aesthetically pleasing way...

In the meantime please enter your personal information so hot young singles in your area can contact you.

[I rather like it. -LoM]

GOP STRATEGISTS BAFFLED

Approval ratings falling, but you really shouldn't capture Osama until after the convention...

Meanwhile, Hastert rips White House, GOP congressmen applaud. No, really.

IMPOSTORS, OBVIOUSLY

Reporters from the Washington Post and New York Times challenge factual basis for GOP attack on Kerry.

MORE INTEGRITY THAN THE GLOBE

Editor of UK's Mirror quits after running phony pictures. Globe still in denial.

PEW POLL SHOWS A REGION BY REGION KERRY LEAD

Take a look at this Pew poll, it's the best reason for optimism yet, showing Kerry leads by nine or more points everywhere but the South. Pew's a big, rigorous poll taken over a week. Like no time before, Bush is in serious trouble.

Of course, no one can write off the snakes yet.

It might be time to talk about what to do if the election is suspended or hijacked, which has turned, beyond belief, into a non-zero possibility. Do you think individual states would be willing to ignore federal orders, if the election is clearly rigged or suspended?

[To what end? I'm sure GW will happily abide by SCOTUS's decision in such a case. -UttDC]

QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

When I saw this description of Iraq on CNN, I was thunderstruck - to what news story might this compelling phrase NOT be attached? It seems to describe virtually all notable events, ferry sinkings, Michael Jackson, explosions, the GNP, the GOP, the O.P.P., the G.O.D., and your average vicious comic book swap meet. Is this then, the collective unconscious news, the seminal human reaction to all events? One waits, one ponders, one picks the stinky plaque of falsehood from the teeth of daily being. Fueled by an implosive synthesis, one's mind boils in a spicy chicken broth of truth, to be served later with buttered asparagus and a jaunty little margaux. The pee may smell funny, but we have reached a new level of self-awaritude. We know that what it is when it is news.

JOURNALISM AT ITS FINEST

Boston Globe now running porn photos.

"The president of the Globe's parent New York Times reportedly is 'furious.'" Because, you see, porn appeals to the prurient interest. Staged media-event beheadings are very important to the public interest and should run on the front page.

[Now that is hi-larious. -LoM]

WE'LL SEE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT AFTER SOME SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND TORTURE

The embattled defence secretary - who is on a surprise trip to Iraq - told US soldiers that he was "a survivor".

SIX GREAT PUNCHLINES

Impotent, yet enabling, The Onion addresses the prison atrocities with...sarcasm. Nice job, but Weimar had good satire, too.

[See also the point-counter-point. -LoM]

DR X. YOUR TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE

Joseph Cornell coming up at SF-MOMA.

RUMSELD'S DEFENSE: I WAS JUST GIVING ORDERS

He told a Senate committee that methods such as sleep deprivation, dietary changes and making prisoners assume stress positions had been approved by Pentagon lawyers.

SO THAT WAS THEIR MISTAKE

"Under an order issued last year, civilian contractors enjoy protection from local criminal prosecution, even for crimes such as murder, torture, and rape."

Just guessing, but I don't think things would have gone better at Nuremburg if the Germans had tried the "independent contractors" defense.

EGAD

The Red Cross reporting that 90% of those we rounded up were innocent, that documentation of rape and murder is forthcoming, there was unforgivable cultural ignorance (beating people because they wouldn't respond to orders in English), and the shock that the United States, speaking "freedom" out of every side of our mouth, sanctions crude, visible, and very real, oppression. The humiliation and terror our military inflicted on detainees in these instances is only a battery and a body bag away from fascism.

ITS OVER THERE, IN A BOX*

"Uncle" Hilty hits the mark on the reinterpretation of Cornell. Rephrasing: trying to reform someone else's visually dense object into simple symbolism (blue stands for this, nails stand for that) erases the objects' real language, its real complexity.

I don't even dislike conceptual art as such, except for a common weakness: the event, installation, object, performance has no being except the idea that it illustrates; the art is not intelligently executed, only intelligently described, relying instead on the sophistication of the "language idea" that engendered it.

For example, if I see another video of people doing mildly transgressive social acts, blankly filmed, and "recontextualized" by the fact it's in a museum, I'm going to smack the nearest elderly museum guard, as the curatorial representative at hand.

My point: kittens falling into laundry baskets are adorable. My other point: excellent art requires mastery of the grammar of the form of the art in question.

*Note: This joke title of mine is superlative, as it calls back to an earlier comedy discussion, apparantly completes the tag line on the page, and smartly refers to Cornell's famous box constructions. You may laugh now.

[This will go into the "Best of Iron Spirits Anthology", due out from Workman in the fall. - Dr. X]

MAL GESTE

I suspect I am insufficiently horrified by our treatment of Iraqi prisoners. So far, it looks like garden-variety nastiness of the sort that's common in our state-side prisons. I mean, I haven't heard we were lopping of digits with tin snips, at least not yet.

I am, however, ashamed (I have that naive wish to be on the team of the good guys), angry (what does it take to get fired from the Bush administration?) and feeling a more than a little bit gyped. The stuff I've seen so far is so embarrassingly juvenile, so banally peverse, and so appallingly amateurish. What's all this I've heard about our professional military? Sure, war is hell and interrogations are never pretty, but dog chains and ladies' underpants?

I'd like to think that if Bobby the Terrorist wouldn't give up the location of the ticking bomb, I could find it in myself to knee-cap him. But I wouldn't waste time tickling his wiener.

The abuse photos are so compelling that some of Taguba's other findings aren't getting much press, like the large number of escapes, the lack of even counting prisioners regularly, the failure to install perimeter lights, and the gross understaffed and undersupplied police battalion. Blooming amateur hour.

I propose:
1. Writs of Torture.
Sweeping things under the carpet just doesn't work. Let's require Writs of Torture to at least make sure that the torturer knows that hell what he's doing.
2. More Gays in the Military.
Clearly, the closet cases in military intelligence aren't getting the job done. I suspect a few queens, bears, and chicken hawks would be more effective.
3. A Highly Trained Joy Division.
Year-long deployments call for a sensible Sexual Gratification policy. Then maybe our troops can leave the locals alone.

Pardon my dark mood but these are dark days.

DANGIT, MISSED THAT

Here's Uncle Hilty on the Joseph Cornell centenary exhibition. I read this book on Cornell a few years ago and thought it was just fantastic.

HOW TO BE A JOURNALIST

Get a gruesome video of a hostage being killed. Put stills on the the front page of your publication (even the damn New York Times).

Go tell the family someone has published a gruesome video of the death of their brother/son.

Take a picture of their agonized reaction.

Put it on the front page.

Can anyone recommend a fact-reporting news source that does not feature daily snuff/humiliation entertainment?

[YES! -AoB]

"IF I SEE ANOTHER PIECE OF CONCEPTUAL ART, I'M GOING TO BE SICK"

The Guardian on the attack of the British painters. (Interestingly, New York is not anti-painting the way London is.)

[I agree, but you're not going all Uncle Hilty on us, are you? - Dr. X]

THE RESISTANCE IS EVERYWHERE

Air America Radio is adding an affilitate in Achorage this month (KUDO 1080 AM).

NEW TERM FOR DISSEMINATION: SnooFacs

SNFCs (pronounced SnooFacs) for Syphillitic Neo-Fascist Conservatives.

As in, fuck that SNFC O'Reilly. Or, with delicate presentation:

Hon. Paul Wolfowitz, SNFC, of Alexandria, VA.

SPEAKING OF WATERLOO...

From the "Up to Here" Dept: A Kerry Republican.

4th AND 5th SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

George Will writes something worth reading, quotes Daniel Patrick Moynihan.

[I haven't read this guy in a decade - and I happened to read this column.

P.S. I can't help but notice, what with giant deficits and oil and all, that the Dow is plunging like a plumber on crank this morning. It's falling like Tweety just handed Sylvester the anvil. It's dropping like a bag of wet ball peen hammers. It's sinking like a Sea Buick. It's Deflating like a Red Balloon at the Unpopular Kid's Party. Thank goodness I diversified into take-out pizza. -PWP]

I DEMAND BIGGER HEADS

Oh, hooray. They are bringing up those bad-seed enlisted men on charges.

An Italian gentlemen told me a story the other night, about something that happened to his grandmother when the Nazi's were occupying northern Italy. She ran a shop, and one day, a Nazi officer came in, selected a bunch of merchandise, and insisted on taking it without paying for it. Later, she went to the occupation authorities to complain. They had her pick the officer out of a lineup. Then they shot him dead, on the spot.

It's a sad, sad day when the Americans need to take a lesson from the Nazis on how to occupy a foreign country. I think the only possible save the US Army could make at this point is to publicly execute the officers who ordered this. You know, I'm against the death penalty, but too many people have died trying to do good to let these sadistic, stupid fuckers piss it away and live.

[No -it's okay. A stern letter of reprimand has been inserted into their personnel files. Aack. They should at the very least be taken in chains publically to the brig, the officers rapidly court-martialled, and the "security consultants" remanded and charged federally.-PWP]

[They made the oldest mistake in the prison administration handbook: letting a camera in. - Dr. X]

HOW TO GET OUT OF IRAQ

A good article in the New York Review of Books. (Not that we should be in a hurry to get out of Iraq, or anything; it looks like our young men and women in uniform are throwing parties that make Vegas look like Vatican City!)

[Excellent article. Two thoughts - you just know in your heart the GWB never read anything that long or thoughtful in his whole miserable La-Di-Da Cocaine Cowboy Gump life, and the modified three state solution, probably won't happen, because the Administration is driven by obsession with power and inability to admit error or show weakness. This arrogance is likely to lead to civil war. A break-up of Iraq would appear, to them, as a defeat. -PWP]

DEARLY BELOVED

I was going to say something about how the prisoner abuse is a personal nightmare for George W. Bush, a committed Christian, because it exposes the arrogance of the Iraq operation in light of the First Principle of Christianity. Which if anyone knows what it is please let me know - this Google search failed to clarify the matter.

The first principle I had in mind was: The human race is sinful and redemption is beyond its own power (deny this and it's impossible to explain Mel Gibson). The biblical admonition "judge not, lest ye be judged" is not a throwaway, it goes right to the heart of the Christian insight that we are all flawed, all capable of horrific evil, and therefore have no standing in a court of angels.

"By their deeds ye shall know them."

Amen.

PLEASE FIND SOME FLAW IN THIS COLUMN

From the Independent, Robert Fisk on prisoner abuse. I want to say without irony that I love this country, but this is a kick in the gut, beyond anger and into shame.

[It is a complete betrayal, and it completely blows the neocon's "New Normandy" cover story. Funny how one's most cherished ambitions lead one into confrontation with aspects of the self one trusted perhaps more than one should have. - Dr. X]

unstundgymendmæðelcwide

Or "asynchronous communication" from the Old English Computer Glossary, which includes amusing equivalents for "Computer aided design" and "daisy chain." I also enjoy the Old English Time and Date.

A thought - could we use Old English as a language alternative when English-Only laws pass?

PS- what happened to Dr. X's poach?

[You know how when you sit down to copy a Monet, and you finish it, and look at it, and it doesn't look like a Monet even though you've been looking right at one, and it just sucks? And you rip it up and hope no one ever sees it? That's what happened to it. - Dr. X]

[Well, the last time I copied a Monet (Impression: Sunrise) , in high school, it turned out well. I made the absurd conclusion that therefore it would be easy to learn how to paint, like making my way through Moonlight Sonata qualified me as Beethoven. I knew nothing but monkey-copy, the essential error I've found repeated in the more ego-centric students, like, of course, myself. This point came up years later in the Portland Art Museum when, looking at a truly magnificent, enormous late Monet, culmination of the life's work of arguably the greatest painter in history, when the Most Perfect Jackass (complete with Coors cap, my mind likes to tell me) loudly declaimed, in unmitigated dumbshit cliche: "Fhhhfff- I could do that." Fortunately, this kind of seamless fuckheaded-ness has been rare in my exhibition-going, and I didn't have a loaded Colt at the time.

Also please note certain limitations of practical computer imaging in the unbelievable variation in color of the same painting on the google image search. Yes, you can correct it, but to what exactly? A knotty problem.

" I believe that the only really good laugh you get ..is the laugh you get from a Professional Comedian. "-Steve Martin - PWP]

[I actually had a similar experience when I was studying poetry (or as the mandarins in the Vassar English Dept. called it: "verse"). I discovered I could put together credible imitations of strong technicians like Pope and Browning, and, like you, assumed that it was just a hop, skip, and jump to artistic accomplishment. I'd heard Yeats was good, so read some of his stuff, sat down to imitate it, and got a schoolin'. Go ahead, give it a try, we'll wait. The death-blow came when I proposed as my creative thesis an epic poem with an accompanying novel in the form of scholarly footnotes, only to be informed that Nabokov had done it. - Dr. X]

MOTTO

OK, "the clarity is devastating" is the kind of a catch-phrase that a generation of lost bohemian intellectuals can rally around. But doing it in english is just not pedantic enough to give it that lost generation cachet. Herewith some proposals:

French: La clarté est dévastatrice. (Fine, but Dévastatrice sounds like D'Artagnan's girlfriend.)
German: Die Klarheit ist verheerend. (Nah.)
Spanish: La claridad es devastadora. (Not enough sizzle.)

Any latin scholars in the house? Homeric Greek? Bueller? Anyone?

MAN BITES DOG

Yes, Man bites Dog.

MORE FROM WOODY, IN THE SPIRIT OF CLEESE

I mentioned before that I was in Europe. It's not the first time that I was in Europe, I was in Europe many years ago with Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway had just written his first novel, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said that is was a good novel, but not a great one, and that it needed some work, but it could be a fine book. And we laughed over it. Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

That winter Picasso lived on the Rue d'Barque, and he had just painted a picture of a naked dental hygenist in the middle of the Gobi Desert. Gertrude Stein said it was a good picture, but not a great one, and I said it could be a fine picture. We laughed over it and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

Francis Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald came home from their wild new years eve party. It was April. Scott had just written Great Expectations, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said it was a good book, but there was no need to have written it, 'cause Charles Dickens had already written it. We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

That winter we went to Spain to see Manolete fight, and he was... looked to be eighteen, and Gertrude Stein said no, he was nineteen, but that he only looked eighteen, and I said sometimes a boy of eighteen will look nineteen, whereas other times a nineteen year old can easily look eighteen. That's the way it is with a true Spaniard. We laughed over that and Gertrude Stein punched me in the mouth.

Good night.

A SIMPLE STORY OF SCULPTURE

Just a nice, short, readable survey of contemporary sculpture in the New York Nugget.

HOUSEKEEPING

I added a new comment feature to Today's Tomorrow's Headlines that might be fun to add to Iron Spirits (Iren Sawols is Old English for Iron Souls, BTW). It seems wrong to let the secret police read our webblog without commenting.

KEEP THE KID

Woody Allen used to do standup, some of the very best I've ever heard. Here is his "Kidnapped" routine:


I was kidnapped once. I was standing in front of my schoolyard, and a black sedan pulls up. And two guys get out, and they say to me, do I wanna go away with them to a land, where everybody is fairies and elves, and I can have all the comic books I want and chocolate and wax lips, you know. And I said "yes", y'know, and I got into the car with them, 'cause I figured, y'know, "What the hell", I was home that week-end from college anyhow, y'know. They drive me off, and they sent a ransom note to my parents. And my father has bad reading habits, so he gets into bed at night with the ransom note, and he read half of it, y'know, and he got drowsy and fell asleep, then he lent it out, y'know.

Meanwhile they take me to New Jersey, bound and gagged, and my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped. They snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. The ransom note says for my father to leave a thousand dollars in a hollow tree in New Jersey. He has no trouble raising the thousand dollars, but he gets a hernia carrying the hollow tree.

The FBI surround the house, "Throw the kid out,", they say, "give us your guns, and come out with your hands up."
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns, and get to our car."
The FBI says "Throw the kid out, we'll let you get to your car, but give us your guns."
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns - we don't have to get to our car."
The FBI says "Keep the kid."

The FBI decides to lob in teargas, but they don't have teargas, so several of the agents put on the death scene from Camellia. Tearstricken my abducters give themselves up. They are sentenced to fifteen years on a chaingang, and they escape, twelve of then chained together at the ankle, getting by the guards posing as an immense charm bracelet.

IN WHICH I CROSS A CERTAIN LINE BY QUOTING PYTHON

(Cleese at Very High Speed)

Art Critic: Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as a load of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized world. The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the difference? What indeed is the point? The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken. If La Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones the engine must be our head, the dining car our oesophagus, the guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of skin at the nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk called Simon.

The clarity is devastating.

But where is the ambiguity? It's over there in a box.

Shunt is saying the 8.15 from Gillingham when in reality he means the 8.13 from Gillingham. The train is the same only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the ambiguity is the only truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight. The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon, Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted.

[I'm glad somebody finally took the time to transcribe that. -LoM]

[No line crossed, in my opinion - Python is the Bible of modern existentialism. Lest we forget, the name of the book under review was: "It all Happened on the 11.20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, calling at Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury, Tooting Bec and Croydon West". I only have one quibble with the transcription - does he really say "mechanized world"? Other transcripts have "mansion" which is also not what I hear. Sounds to me like "ethos" or "defaus" or something. - Dr. X]

NORTH WHERE-WHO-HAH?

International Herald Trib (ok, its the NYT, really) on the obvious - we may be ignoring the nuclear buildup in North Korea.

GOOD THING WE DON'T HAVE SECRET POLICE OR I'D BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS

FBI report on Kerry's antiwar activities says he was glib, cool.

1986 Alaskan Cultural Almanac

Based upon the "D" section of the the April 15, 1986 Anchorage Daily News

Number of articles about Steller Secondary Alternative School: 2

Ratio of Audio/Video stores advertised to those still in business: 3:2

Ratio of strip clubs advertised to those still in business: 2:2

Number of ads for a Toga Party at Coots: 3

Number of open letters to the Anchorage Assembly requesting reconsideration of an ordinance apparently permitting medical experimentation on "Animal Control dogs and cats": 1

Movies then showing that I have seen:
Back to the Future
Sleeping Beauty
9 1/2 Weeks [is that the one where Mickey Rourke plays the weirdo? Dr. X]
Down And Out In Beverly Hills
Hannah And Her Sisters
The Color Purple
Pretty In Pink

Movies then showing that I never have seen:
RAD
Police Academy 3
The Money Pit
Out Of Africa
Just Between Friends
Band Of The Hand
The Clan Of The Cave Bear
Gung Ho
Lucas
Crossroads
Wildcats
16 Days of Glory
April Fool's Day

WARBIRD DISPLAY AT BOEING MUSEUM OF FLIGHT AND ILLEGAL WEAPONS CONTRACT KICKBACKS

A particular note to out Straight of San Juan De Fuca Correspondent - June 6th opening at the new "Personal Courage Wing" at Boeing includes a P-40! Also, you may enjoy the display at the less popular Boeing "Duplicitous Cowardice Wing."

In the meantime, reflect on the perfect embodiment of war in this early Italian Fighter.

SIGNIFICANT KERRY SURGE

Rasmussen Reports daily track has Kerry leading 47-43, trending up. Just wait till the Oval Office circle jerk photos come out.

And, just like a tracking poll, its 45-45 today. But other polls record record low points for Bush.

MEANWHILE, ON EVEREST

Three teams are on the mountain this year looking for the body (and camera) of Sandy Irvine, Mallory's climbing partner on the ill-fated 1924 summit bid. Mallory, of course, has been found, looking considerably worse for the wear...

CAN WE GET THAT ANTI-MISSILE SYSTEM TO HOME IN ON DRUNK DRIVERS?

By my math (interpolating and summing numbers from this report), about 2,500 Alaskans have died in car wrecks since I got out of high school - more than enough to fill the Atwood Concert Hall...

ELMENDORF ANTIQUES

The Elmendorf website is excellent, and has photos of some of the historical buildings. I didn't realize several WW2 pillboxes were still standing. Just to make me feel old, the "historic" Civil Engineering building was just five years old when I was born...

ALASKA'S BRAND NEW USELESS MISSILE SYSTEM - PLUS A 747 WITH "LASERS"

NYT article on Delta Junction's new missle system and it's amazing ability to suspend the laws of physics, possibly but probably not saving Valdez from a single, coal-fired 4000 ton PDK ICBM that flies at 98mph. Note the 747 with anti-missle lasers, not quite working either - but it was probably the unmarked one sitting right there at Anchorage International.

[They'll get my copy of Alaska Missile Defense Weekly when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers. - Dr. X]

FURTHER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT INTRIGUE AT ANCHORAGE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

While the Undersecretary and I drove past the eastern end of the Anchorage International Airport the other day, we could not help commenting on the 2 dilapidated AWACS parked by where all the suspicious aircraft are parked: the same place where Southern Air Transport and Mark Air parked their C-130s and assorted, one can only assume, illicit drug and weapons shipments in the 1980s. This spot, next to the FedEx building, is in plain view, and long ago featured an unmoving pair of C-46s for many years of my youth. Just this week, it also featured an oddly unmarked 747 and a C-141.

I bring this up because of my taxi driver this morning. He reported regular pick-ups for stony-faced civilian pilots, who say nothing about their flights, whose taxi rides are always pre-arranged, and have on rare occasions made intimations of associations with the CIA and the DIA.

So here is the direction of further inquiry: where do these spooks hang out? Club Paris? The Jewel Lake Tastee Freeze? And why not just do all this at Elmendorf? And what the heck does one do with a used AWAC?


[Park it next to a major intersection for the ultimate in speed traps. -UttDC]

WOODY ALLEN'S SLEEPER PLAYING OUT LINE BY LINE

A relatively high amount of fat in the diet may be a boon to a healthy person's cholesterol levels, a small study suggests. On the other hand, limiting fat intake too much could have the opposite effect. Oh, and vitamins are bad for you.

Who saw this coming: The New York Times, of course.

WHERE ARE THE LANDERS?

This fine map shows the location and status of all Mars landers, successful and unsuccessful.

Some observations:
1) 5 of the 11 landers crashed on arrival. Recommend more work on landing technology.

2) All civilizations are studiously ignoring the three enormous alien arcologies in the middle of the map. (It's so obvious, I'm not even going to bother proving that these line up perfectly with Orion's belt and the Great Pyramids on a particular day in the future when something Very Important will happen.)

3) It would be really cool to drive Spirit or Opportunity up to one of these other landers and take its picture...

BUT SERIOUSLY, DR. X...

Yes, they have the car you want right here in the U. S. of A.

From the copy on the web page:

'Take charge of the streets. Everything about the new 2005 Dodge Magnum says, "get out of my way."'

[Very nice - it comes in metallic gunmetal gray, too. Reminds me of the old Bruce McCall line: "it's bigger than any car in its class - and there are no cars in its class!" - Dr. X]


[Hmmm.....Car-y.-PWP]

GREATEST CAR EVER

There is only one. The body was hand-made from fine Russian steel, taking design cues from the old Volga sedans. The drivetrain is from a BMW 8-series. Behold the Volga V12 Coupe!

The owner is a Russian oligarch, who reportedly said, when informed that he could have bought two Bentleys, "I already have two Bentleys."