I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW

According to the World Nuclear Association, Chernobyl wasn't that bad. Whew!

However... "The United Nations estimates that 15,000 to 30,000 of the 6 million people living in the contaminated zones have since died due to radiation exposure. But survivors' groups claim the studies have been sketchy, and do not include the 1 million liquidators from all over the USSR. "Of the 600,000 Russian liquidators at Chernobyl, about 100,000 have died and another 200,000 are seriously ill," says Gen. Vadim Korostylev, who took part in the cleanup of Chernobyl and now heads Chernobyl Shield, a group representing Russian victims. "The situation for survivors is dire."

YES, COMRADE, OUR BARRISTA SPIES HAVE PERFORMED ADMIRABLY

Talking Points on 9/11 left at Starbucks.

KRUGMAN AT WAR

OK, I still read the Times a little.

"Last week an opinion piece in the Israeli newspaper Haaretz about the killing of Sheik Ahmed Yassin said, 'This isn't America; the government did not invent intelligence material nor exaggerate the description of the threat to justify their attack.'

"So even in Israel, George Bush's America has become a byword for deception and abuse of power."


[Ah HA!-PWP]

BUSH TAKES COURAGEOUS STAND

Senate backs child care, but the White House is taking a principled stand, against it for something or other.

CHUCK D WILL BE ON AIR AMERICA

I also like the title of the news show: So What Else is News?

KERRY TRACKING WELL

As a half-trained political scientist, I am skeptical of the Rasmusson reports consumer-ish analysis, but it's hard to argue with the direction of a consistent daily tracking poll, which is now favoring Kerry, in spite of some Bush movement in other polls. I tend to agree with the decision to leave Nader out, for the moment.

NOT TO START ANY RUMORS OR ANYTHING

But the link to the 1967 crash...already removed from the Internet. They don't waste much time, do they?

[You know, that really is spooky. But to prove it existed, hit the same search "N1812H" with google's cache. -PWP]

[Think I'll disable cookies first...! - MoF]

APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE STILL CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE

In a three-way race with independent Ralph Nader, Bush was the choice of 49 percent, Kerry was picked by 45 percent and Nader by 4 percent.

[Most Nader-less polls have a dead-split, and a rise in negatives about Kerry among bushies - which I'm going to call as the result of a truly massive tv buy by Bush running in the tens of millions gushing forth, and what I believe is a very reasonable lag in the processing of the - shall we say, Al Qaida? affair. The Plame Affair had little immediate impact, but it definitely cracked open a supposedly unassailable Bush campaign.

Nader has polled as high as 7. But I have Green friends ready to beat up Nader voters. -PWP]

W. WAS IN ALASKA in 1974, FOR THE CIA?

NY times article from 2000 on W working for Neil Bergt, Mr. Mark Air of shipping"stuff" for the Contras fame, in the 1970s, which is curiously never mentioned in his biographies.

Alaska in the 1970s: The Center of International Intrigue!

[I do think it was. Alaska in the 70's had it all: Big Oil, huge military presence, front line of the cold war, Moonies, air freight hub to Asia, the Mob bringing drugs and hookers in for the oil workers... We grew up in a Wide Open Town, gang.
- MoF ]

Also, the major air passenger hub between Asia and Europe, construction of the massive SOSUS sonar net for the Pacific, the staging area for the Glomar Explorer's attempt to raise a Russian sub that may have been attempting to launch a nuclear missile on Hawaii, atomic weapons tests, and the setting for at least one Jeffery Archer spy novel, which involves a chase past West High.

THE BEGICH-BOGGS CRASH

I came across the original NTSB report on the Cessna 310 crash which killed Congressman Begich. The oddest note is the mysterious briefcase object carried on board by the pilot, which was supposed to be but was not his portable emergency locater (if I read that right). Also, a google search on the aircraft number , N1812H, turns up a damaging wheels-up crash in 1967 in Texas. Nick's professional conspiracy theories aside (he's even filled in for Art Bell), you should see the disturbing FBI telex on his web site. The site also has Tom's prelude to a book about his dad.

Charles and Tom gave me the lowdown on this one evening, a story that at the very least kept turning in uncomfortable directions.

This came up when I stopped by the amazing Naval Undersea Weapons museumtoday (please note the extraordinary flywheel powered brass torpedo) and was chatting with a 30 year vet Navy Diver about aircraft recovery. (note to self re: us naval undersea weapons. DO NOT attempt to run a US Mark 48 torpedo-mine blockade, should one arise-the incredibly deadly, accurate torpedo waits around by itself for someone to piss it off). He was pointing out that new ROVs with side-scan sonar can search under glaciers if need be, and that it might be possible to talk a commerical ROV operator into a search.

[That brings back a lot of memories. My Dad was up searching more-or-less non-stop in the days following the crash, and took me along for some of the flights. Some of the searchers (including him, I suspect) took very significant risks during that period. And I remember late in the game the U.S. committed a Blackbird spy plane to the search.

I never met a conspiracy theory I didn't like, but Jonz's behavior also bears disturbing similarities to that of the bungling doctors who serve the rich and famous. (Who forgets their emergency locator beacon!?) And disappearing in Alaska - happens all the time, as we all know. Nickerson's book about this is worth reading (just to prove we're all immortal on the Internet, the review I hastily put up on Amazon back in '98 - "A Remarkable Memoir and History" - is still there).

But air travel's not that safe, even in corporate jets. Can you imagine what people would say if golfer Payne Stewart had been in congress? And yes, there are Payne Stewart conspiracy theories.

- MoF]

TAKE ME BACK TO IBIZA

If you're like me, you have wistful memories of Ibiza - the raves, the affairs, the final DJ showdown with your archrival at the end of the '98 season... But, as I think back on it, my most precious memories are of those quiet afternoons recovering at Cafe del Mar, alternating between Perrier and black coffee as I browsed the Financial Times. And quietly, gently, unobtrusively, DJ Jose Padilla moved the furniture of my mind as surely as a Feng Shui master. It could never be the same after he left, of course, but who'd have thought DJ Bruno could step in with such alacrity, navigating between the Scylla of slavish imitation and the Charybdis of pointless novelty? And by that last beautiful summer, of course, we could hardly imagine the place without him.

IT'S EASY AND WRONG...

...but Ronald Reagan looks pretty good in that commie jacket (3rd pic down). Reminds me of something a Hungarian friend told me a year or two after the Berlin Wall came down - "it doesn't matter, the same people are in charge - the weasels."

CHERNOBYL ON A KAWASAKI

Best site I've seen in a long time. Amazing.

[Wow. AND I could use her phone number. PWP]

GREY LADY DOWN

The Daily Howler has been trashing the New York Times relentlessly (mainly for its softball White House coverage), and now it has an unexpected ally:

"Ten months after Howell Raines' forced exit as top editor of The New York Times, he's turned a blow-torch on the paper he professes to love and its publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr.

"In a 23-page cover story in The Atlantic Monthly, Raines indicts The Times for lethargy in its ranks and resistance to change, concluding the paper 'badly needs to raise the level of its journalism.' "

Of course the only thing worse than the Times's mediocrity is its solipsistic neurosis about its mediocrity; this should send the navel-gazing into overdrive. Hope they do something soon. I stopped reading somewhere around the Jayson Blair episode.

COMPARE AND CONTRAST

It really is interesting going through these old campaign ads. So far, Kerry looks more like Dukakis or Mondale than Clinton ("I have a plan to end welfare as we know it"). And dang, I'd forgotten how tough those Clinton attack ads were:

"George Bush is running attack ads. He says all these people would have their taxes raised by Bill Clinton. Scary, huh? Misleading, says the Washington Post. And the Wall Street Journal says Clinton has proposed to cut taxes for the sort of people featured in Bush's ad. So why is Bush doing it? Because George Bush has the worst economic record of any President in fifty years. George Bush is trying to scare you about Bill Clinton. But nothing could be more frightening than four more years."

"George Bush at home in Maine. George Bush boating, back home in Maine. George Bush golfing at his home in Maine. In fact, you can find George Bush doing just about everything in his home in Maine, except paying Maine taxes. For tax purposes, he calls Texas his home. In fact his Houston Hotel has already saved George Bush over $165,000 in Maine taxes. And when George Bush saves $165,000 in taxes, guess who makes up the difference? You do."

Dick Morris, who I hate but is often right, believes Bush is getting his act together and Kerry could get blown out if he's not careful. Kerry needs to start hitting back, hard, now.

DEBACLE-RAMA!

42. Going out of our way to insult the French - (who were providing us the best anti-terror intelligence)
43. Withdrawing from the International Criminal Court
44. festering A-Bombs in N. Korea, Iran, Pakistan, Israel, lost bombs in the Former USSR, (Bombs everywhere BUT IRAQ)
45. Proposing New Aids programs funding in Africa - and then funding it by taking the money out of malaria
46. Federal Clear Channel - I mean the FCC "reforms"
47. Fucking up the UN, who might have helped govern Iraq
48. Sucking up the National Guard for year-long commitments
49. Claiming the lack of planning in Iraq allowed "flexibility"
50. Claiming we didn't need extra troops.
51. Standing by claims of a world coalition in Iraq, making up a single small division.
52. Indicting Martha Stewart instead of Ken Lay
53. Starting Up Domestic Political Surveillance

A FEW TAMER DEBACLES

33. The Peanut Subsidy (John Hancock Life Insurance Company NEEDS an extra $2 million per year) source

34. The Cotton Subsidy (Because Scottie Pippen Didn't Earn Enough Playing Basketball) source

35. The Wheat Subsidy (Ted Turner Has To Pay Lots of Alimony)

36. The Corn, Wheat, Rice, and Soybean Subsidies (WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers Needed the $4 million For His Legal Fees)

37. The Dairy Subsidy (Ditto, Ken Lay)

38. Cheney's Refusal to Name Energy Policy Advisors (Getting the Public out of Public Policy)

39. Some Unattractive Subpoena Requests (But We NEED to Know Who's Having Abortions and Protesting the War) source

40. Because the military will pay for male soldiers to have vasectomies in military hospitals but female soldiers can't get abortions even at their own expense. (Good Killer Sluts and Bad Killer Sluts) source

41 Homeland Security (Extra Annoyances Without Extra Security) Department of Defense has a backlog of at least 400,000 requests for personnel clearances. GAO Report

A LITTLE RHETORIC TO TOSS ABOUT

"The Rich White Men running the GOP: the Ritz Crackers."

WINDOWS AND VIRUSES

I've been casting a casual eye on the Symantec Security Response website to see how the virus war is going.

So far this month,

Number of viruses discovered: 84

Number of these viruses affecting non-Microsoft Windows systems: 0

[I've been trying to write a really good virus but my machine brfoiinjdse0y840q53-~~~~ - MoF]

[The only problem with my new computer is the horrible, disruptive, unintelligible, McAffee anti-virus software -PWP]

[Much as I value Symantec's site, I can only advise you to run, screaming, from their newest antivirus software. It has the worst rep of any such program that I can recall. And don't get me started about Mc(cough)ee! Word on the free AVG is good so far, but I haven't tried it yet. -UttDC]

WHICH REMINDS ME

Now I'm a little paranoid - why are we rushing to build up the petroleum reserve? There's no reason to contribute to tanking the economy with higher energy prices when gas is hitting record prices, unless of course we NEED the reserve for some upcoming EMERGENCY, or are we just trying to get oil companies the windfall they so richly deserve?

["There's a bear in the woods. For some people, the bear is easy to see. Others don't see it at all. Some people say the bear is tame. Others say it is vicious and dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who is right, isn't it smart to have as much oil on hand as possible?" -MoF ]

URGENT OILED BEAR QUESTIONS! Are oiled bears more or less agreeable? Will an oiled bear evade our grasp? Will an oiled bear become calm and pliant with oil, as if it had enjoyed a sensual massage, or will it become belligerent and bellicose, oiled into a hirsute fury? Is it like a tin bear: (Rowr. Oiiiiiil can. Rowr. Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiil can!) Will an oiled bear receive a quantity discount on hair product? And if we have only, for example, oiled half the bear, and then run out of oil, what may one say of a half-oiled bear? Is it half-greasy, or half-fluffy? I say, let's pay someone to oil up that bear and see.

SOME OTHER W DEBACLES

13 - the tax cut. 14. The other tax cut. 15. Buds with Enron. 16. The amazing improvement in Israeli-Palestinian relations. 17. The ZOWOOWWIE deficit. 18. Several new jobs. 19. Managing to alienate Canada. 20. That deflating balloon sound you hear on Wall Street 21."> Trying to hide massive cuts in Federal National Parks - and getting caught. 22. Don't forget the FERC and billions lost and thousands of jobs tanked in the West. 23. Dick Clarke! 24. Pissing off Central America needlessly over the Venezula coup. 25. Oh right - FAILING TO CAPTURE BIN LADEN. 26 - Having a war for oil and getting record gas prices. 26. Getting condemned for science policies by 50 Nobel Prize Winners. 27. Having Laura's B's little Poet Hosting at White House blow-up into an anti-war boycott. 28. Amazing inability to open the Arctic National Wildlife refuge for drilling. 29. The Fucking Patriot Act. 30. the original sort of election. 31. Steel Tariff Boomerang. 32. Paul O'Neil! 33.

IF YOU WERE FOLLOWING THE LITHUANIAN MAFIA CASE ON ICELAND REVIEW....

A confession! But was it murder??????Did the Lithuanian get stabbed before or after he o.d.ed?

Also, the very problem one might wish was the greatest challenge facing America.

What I like about Iceland news- it's small town news, but it's also national news!

MADONNA? WHORE? YES

Nun becomes prostitute, writes book.

WHO KNEW?

Elvis? Scottish.

UPGRADED TECHNOLOGY

The second post in this blog noted that Israel had not yet perfected a missile that could destroy a donkey cart. The wheelchair missile seems to working fine, however.

[I've been reflecting how these advanced multi-billion $ systems are used more and more to blow up chairs, 1978 Toyota pickups, mud walls, old metal barrels, sofas, and I'm sure, stacks of newspaper. Couldn't you just send in a bunch of guys with shovels and pikes? Or wait three months and let recycling get them? It's like trying to fight Fred Sanford-PWP]

AN EXCELLENT NEW PATRIOT ACT SUMMARY FROM THE ACLU

New ACLU statement from Pres. Nadine Strossen, sober and comprehensive.

SCALES, FROM EYES, FALLEN

Game over: Viggo Mortensen on the cover of GQ. Thank the angels MY HUSBAND would never do anything so metrosexist. (By the way, Lambkin, don't forget tonight's the night for your manicure.)

I shall now turn my attention to the Uma Recovery Group.

[There is no umacovery...-PWP]

BRING ON THE SCHADENFREUDE

Item #1: White House Counter Terrorism Director Clark's Massive, Credible, Devastating indictment brought vividly to bear on 60 Minutes. The three key allegations from Clark: Bush ignored Al Qaida before 9/11 when urged repeatedly not to, Bush ordered him personally to keep looking to find a link with Iraq after being told repeatedly there wasn't one, and the US is now less safe as a result of the Iraq war.

Item #2. Bush has just blown $50 mn of his campaign money (about a 1/3, which was $160 mn) - with surprisingly little effect on the polls. Kerry leads or is tied, unless Nader is counted at 6-7% (which is at least 4% higher than the likely actual vote in November, assuming Nader can get on the ballot in key states, which is a major assumption). They shot everything - mostly very general kinds of negative attacks, in this early campaign, and very little stuck. And I expect serious fallout from the Clark allegations as he testifies before the 9/11 commission.

[Meanwhile, "The United Nations' top two weapons experts said Sunday that the invasion of Iraq a year ago was not justified by the evidence in hand at the time. The war, they said, was obviously a family vendetta." OK, I made the second sentence up, but duh. Now if we could just get Perot into the race, this would be really interesting -MoF]

MALAYSIANS REJECT GOVERNMENT BY RELIGIOUS EXTREMISTS

"If this election says one thing it says that Malaysia is rejecting the Islamization policies of Pas," said Bridget Welsh, assistant professor of Southeast Asia studies at Johns Hopkins University's School of Advanced International Studies...

Meanwhile, Georgia school officials considering whether to ban Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men" following protests by religious groups.

A SCOTS ON GOWF AND MARRIAGE

Like golf, marriage required many skills, he said, "steadiness of purpose and imagination, a persistent will and willingness to change, long shots and delicate strokes, strength and a deft touch," the metaphors were tumbling in all directions now, "good sense and the occasional gamble, steady nerves and a certain wild streak. And ye've got to have it all going' or the whole thing goes kaflooey." He clenched his fist and turned his thumb down. "Any part o' the game can ruin the whole. Ye've got to have all yer parts and all yer skills, yer lovin' heart, yer manhood, and all yer subtleties. Not only are ye naked to yerself and yer partner, but you've got to contend with yer entire self, all yoor many selves. Nowhere have I seen the Hindoo law of Karma work so clearly as in marriage and golf. Character is destiny, my friends, on the links and with yer beloved wife." He took Agatha's hand and they exchanged unspoken thoughts again. "Get me another glass o' whiskey, darlin'," he said, "this clarity is frightenin'."

DANG IT, THE JAPANESE FIGURED OUT OUR PLOT

Exposed by a comic book! Drat!

WHAT'S FLYING OVER OUR MARS ROVER?

The truth is up there.

MEMO TO ADMINISTRATION

When implementing a new airline screening system, don't make public the criteria that are used to identify suspected terrorists! You see, if you make the criteria public, then the terrorists will know them, and...oh, nevermind.

PROPOSAL - LET'S JUST TRY TO COUNT THE BUSH DEBACLES:

CRITERIA - rather than an isolated slip or error, these multifarious debacles must be a direct result of White House Policy, with substantial consequences to the nation. No particular ranking, please add freely. FORM: Debacle, Witty Restatement , as in:

1. NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND (No Child Taken Along)

2. PLAME CASE (Let's Burn Intelligence Bridges When We Get to Them)

3. WITHDRAWING FROM THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT

4. THE DARPA CHAPTER:
a) Hiring Poindexter To Institute Betting on Terrorism Events (Ironic - might have been useful)
b) Total Information Awareness. (Remind Everyone Why 2004 Will Be like 1984)

5. AFGHANISTAN (Putting the Opium Trade Back on Top)

6. MEDICARE PLAN ACCOUNTING (Shh...Don't tell anyone about the $150 Billion)
[This just in - White House implicated in plot to hide true cost of Medicare plan. Amazing. -MoF]

7. THE LAST STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS (We Must Put a Stop to High School Steroids)

8. KYOTO WITHDRAWAL (Fuck You, Earth and Every Country on It)

9. Withdrawal From the ABM Treaty (Because Who Needs a Stable Russia?)

10. Title IX Funding Attack (Because Equality is so 1971)

[11. Featuring 9/11 in campaign ads.
"Do you think it is appropriate or inappropriate for political candidates to run campaign ads that use images depicting the September 11th, 2001, terrorist attacks?" Form A (N=503, MoE ± 5)

Appropriate 30%
Inappropriate 66
No opinion 4

12. A stem cell policy worthy of medieval Spain. - MoF]

AND IN YET ANOTHER BUSH DEBACLE....

The only substantial ally in Iraq other than the UK, the Poles may withdraw forces from Iraq, apparantly under the odd impression they were misled.

UNSUBSTANTIATED SCUTTLEBUTT - SPREAD THE WORD

Like many folks from West Virginia, I have kin serving in the military. One of my relations, on leave from Iraq, says the rumor in the National Guard is if Bush is re-elected, we will go to war in North Korea.

About 35,000 US troops, most from the 2nd Infantry Division of the Eighth Army are stationed in South Korea, along with about 500,000 South Korean troops. The North Korean army of about 1.2 million are still being fed regularly and probably 70% of them are between Pyongyang and the DMZ, which is about 100 miles from the capital.

[I've heard this from other friends of military, too. NK supposedly has 10,000 long-range artillery pieces aimed at Seoul, assuming they haven't traded all their shells for food. This will not make you feel better. -MoF ]

[Morale must be through the roof! What do we call it? Korean War II? Operation Seoul Coughing? -PWP]

ALASKANS STILL DOMINATE HILARIOUS DRUG CRIME FOLLIES

Hillside mushroom buy goes south (best if imagined with Benny Hill music). Why are the Alaska versions of these sorts of stories so oddly endearing - is it the descent from pathos to bathos? And the morals of the story? Make sure your dealer isn't such a cement head that selling mushrooms is too much hard work. And when you don't load your gun, have a large ebony elephant handy.

ADMINISTRATION TRAPPED IN INTRACTABLE MASS OF CONTRADICTIONS

Pentagon stem cell research to be done in religiously tolerant Sweden.

NICE PLACE TO WORK

I had never seen the SF Board of Supervisors' chambers - not bad!

THE OORT AND THE KUIPER

Good pages on Sedna, 2004DW and Quaoar from the gang at CalTech.

HE SAID "MORE", NOT "FOREIGN"

And if you really believe "American elections aren’t about the views of foreigners... They’re about the views of Americans," chances are you still pronounce California the old way.

GOT $5?

For $5 got a remaindered hardback of former FT columnist James Buchan's The Meaning of Money. Random excerpt: "In these manuscripts, one hears, not for the last time from Marx, the authentic voice of the Quixote: that the world of money is a phantasmagoria, and one must ride out to break lances with it, astride the bony charger of philosophy and helmed with political economy (though the helmet appears, to the philistines, to be a barber's basin)."

Another good title in the same vein is James Grant's Money of the Mind.

HOW DO YOU TELL AN AMERICAN IN ICELAND?

Not the sort of writing to write home about, but I like this amiable vignette from the Iceland review.

GHASTLY QUOTE FROM MARK TWAIN. TWADDLE!

"The simply dandy human race is, and I don't want to be frightfully mean, a blasted race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a shriekworthy banner . -- Mark Twain"

ANDY ROONEY'S FINEST HOUR

85 year-old curmudgeon prompts flamewar.

"I think the mail was a good indication of how bitterly divided our country is right now," Rooney said on his Sunday "60 Minutes" commentary. "I hope I'm not contributing to that — even though I'm right and everyone else is wrong."

AD WATCH CONTINUED: HARRY AND LOUISE WITH A FAKE REPORTAGE TWIST


Federal investigators are scrutinizing television segments in which the Bush administration paid people to pose as journalists praising the benefits of the new Medicare law, which would be offered to help elderly Americans with the costs of their prescription medicines. The government also prepared scripts that can be used by news anchors introducing what the administration describes as a made-for-television "story package."

In one script, the administration suggests that anchors use this language: "In December, President Bush signed into law the first-ever prescription drug benefit for people with Medicare. Since then, there have been a lot of questions about how the law will help older Americans and people with disabilities. Reporter Karen Ryan helps sort through the details."

The "reporter" then explains the benefits of the new law.

See also, 'misunderestimation' , below.

[Apparently operating under the premise that it is impossible to underestimate the intelligence of the American public. Wouldn't it be ironic if the Invisible Hand, instead of leading to Nozick's libertarian utopia, led to state-controlled media? -MoF ]

[Finally! A chance to drop in a classic Marxist reference: One Dimensional Man, by Herbert Marcuse, with the straightforward, somewhat mistaken but hard to refute thesis that all cultural products in a capitalist system are commodified, and hence affirm hegemony. Thanks for indulging, won't happen again soon. Also, please refer to this page for a complete lack of information. -PWP]

[I am not proud of this, but I got a good grade on an all-night term paper in college entitled "Marcuse's Royal Scam", so titled because I was listening to the Steely Dan album as I frantically wrote it. My main point was that this commodification destroys the underlying humanity and dynamism of society, which must be replenished by bringing in immigrants, who, in their turn, lose their identities and work as wage slaves in commercial dystopias. Lest we forget:

And they wandered in
From the city of St. John
Without a dime
Wearing coats that shined
Both red and green
Colors from their sunny island
From their boats of iron
They looked upon the promised land
Where surely life was sweet
On the rising tide
To New York City
Did they ride into the street
See the glory
Of the royal scam

They are hounded down
To the bottom of a bad town
Amid the ruins
Where they learn to fear
An angry race of fallen kings
Their dark companions
While the memory of
Their southern sky was clouded by
A savage winter
Every patron saint
Hung on the wall, shared the room
With twenty sinners

See the glory
Of the royal scam

By the blackened wall
He does it all
He thinks he's died and gone to heaven
Now the tale is told
By the old man back home
He reads the letter
How they are paid in gold
Just to babble in the back room
All night and waste their time
And they wandered in
From the city of St. John without a dime

See the glory
Of the royal scam

- MoF ]

WHITE HOUSE INTERN'S CAREER OVER BEFORE IT STARTS

U.S. President George W. Bush has marked International Women's Week by paying tribute to women reformers -- but one of those he cited is really a man.

Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy," the president said in a speech at the White House on Friday.

The only problem was that, by all other accounts, "she" is in fact "he".

TEN GREAT SPORTS BOOKS

A friend of mine has never read a sports book. This list is intended to get him off on the right foot. Here are ten of the best, each on a different sport. Most can be bought used for under $10:

Golf in the Kingdom: Guy stops in Scotland on his way to India. Meets Scottish golf pro who shape-shifts, hits 300-yard drives, communes with the void. Goes home and founds the Esalen Institute. Some people think it's deep, others not. But it's funny and well-written, so worth the effort even if you don't achieve enlightenment the day you read it.

Beyond a Boundary: Can't improve on this reviewer: "to say 'the best cricket book ever written' is piffingly inadequate praise." It is also one of the best books ever written about the experience of the British Empire from the perspective of the colonized elites, and the love/hate relationship that emerged from that. Some light Marxism thrown in. Some view author CLR James as a key founder of postcolonialism.

Levels of the Game: A good effort from John McPhee, much better in my opinion than the sycophantic A Sense of Where You Are. This book is built around the Jimmy Connors / Arthur Ashe Wimbledon final. After losing in an upset Connors said he felt like he'd been beaten to death with a marshmallow.

Fast Company: Jon Bradshaw's book gives short biographies on six gambler/con-men of various kinds, including the legendary golf/pool/horseshoes hustler Titanic Thompson. Thompson may have been the best golfer in the world, but we'll never know, since there was more money to be made hustling than winning golf tournaments.

Death in the Afternoon: Ernest Hemingway's famous meditation on bullfighting. As animal torture sports go, I like bullfighting because the animal gets a clean shot.

The Natural: Bernard Malamud's existential novel of supernatural talent, dishonor, redemption, honor, duty, and pretty much everything else. Baseball's an American game, but Malamud's story, with its magical realism and tragic structure strikes me as having a more Latin sensibility. If you want the American version, see the movie, with Robert Redford and a happy ending. Honorable mention: Jim Bouton's Ball Four.

Masters of the Chessboard: In the 1920s, before computers and chess coaches, the game was still an open frontier. A generation of young players known as the "hypermoderns" challenged orthodox thinking, sometimes winning, sometimes losing spectacularly. Author Richard Reti (on the right in this picture, playing the U.S. champion Marshall) was one of the hypermoderns, and this book gives biographical sketches of his contemporaries as well as examples of their play.

The City Game: The late Pete Axthelm's seminal work on playground basketball, mixed in with reporting on the New York Knicks of the early 1970s. This is where I first heard of playground legend Earl "The Goat" Manigualt, later the subject of a movie (starring Don Cheadle). If you enjoy the subject, an excellent 1998 book called Pickup Artists is a worthy successor.

Eiger Dreams: I prefer this book of essays to Into Thin Air, Krakauer's pathos-drenched but monotonal masterpiece. Eiger Dreams has much greater scope, taking you from Switzerland to Alaska to the brutal 1986 K-2 season when 27 people summitted and 14 died. The writing is consistently strong throughout.

The Big Drop: The only anthology here, this is a series of pieces about big wave surfing. The writing is uneven and who knows which stories are true and which aren't (there are at least three "biggest wave" claims by different authors). Includes pieces by and about the late Mark Foo, and the greatest big wave surfer ever, Laird Hamilton.

SOMEONE WHO SLEPT THROUGH THE TERMINATOR:

"It's the coolness factor," Axion Racing team member George Spalding said. "We're going to look back after the machines have taken over and say, 'How did that start?' And we can say we were a part of that."

TOOLS FOR DEALING WITH UGLY SMEARS

We'll probably need a whole crate of these, in the convenient "large politician size" but a few rebutting facts might also come in handy. The "lying crooks and attack dogs charge" that Kerry voted against some 13 weapons systems (I guess because he wanted communists to take over our country). A more accurate report would explain that these weren't 13 individual votes but a single vote against a 1991 defense appropriations bill that was also opposed by Dickless Cheney who was secretary of defense at the time.

I think one of you guys ought to claim Sean Hannity as your butt pirate lover. For my part, I will claim Brit Hume stole my virginity after he taught me how to make a speedball. I don't see any other way....

MASTER PLAN

I have declared
war upon the world.
Time is my mercenary.
Now, all I have to do
is wait.

- Tim Young

AGAIN, IMAGINE HOME GIRL SPY CRUISING THE BENSON STRIP IN A 1974 IMPALA

Lindauer is described by Jim Lottsfeld in the Daily News.

BUSH DELIVERS SPEECH, GETS BIG OVATION...

...from factory workers who speak no English. Very nice.

[I'm printing up multinational presidential business cards as a gift. What is Spanish for "Drinky McDumbass, Corporate Crotch Vacuum?" -PWP]

[I'm not sure about the tone, but "Borracho McTonto Culo, Aspiradoro por los Regazo de las Corporaciones" probably gets the message across.

Or perhaps we could call him "Un otro López Portillo, amante del petróleo" reminding Mexicans of their president who pushed Mexico to the fourth largest oil exporter in the world, at a time of record high oil prices, and STILL managed to lower living standards and raise the unemployment rate, largely by improving Mexico's already impressive graft and corruption sectors. -- CSG]

FANTASY REJOINDER

Governor: "I have very rarely seen the government do anything that was effective."
Me: "Except kick the ass of Nazi Germany and its Austrian dictator."

THIS IS SICK AND HORRIBLE

Heh, heh... Recommended by the 10 year-old son of a colleague.

MOCK ON, BUT J. PETERMAN'S STILL THERE

While browsing the web in hopes of making a sartorial upgrade (typing "budget conscious" and "men's business wardrobe" into Google yields zero hits), I wandered into the J. Peterman site. Peterman's secret has always been that they don't sell you a product, they sell you a story. Say what you want, but some of the stories are not bad, not bad at all. You could buy a bag, or you could buy a "Trans-Antarctic Expedition Bag", or you could just keep your money and enjoy the silly stuff on the site.

Do you think the person who wrote this was maybe teasing their clueless boss a little? "Hardship improves the breed. Darwin knew it. Dr. Porsche knew it." Why stop there? Captain Bligh knew it. The Scott expedition really knew it.

Extra credit: Did the Donner Party know it?

DUE TO AN UNFORTUNATE CLERICAL ERROR...

...we overstated profits by 76 billion dollars.

$76 billion is a large number. The magnitude of the earnings mis-statement was roughly equal to the market value of a large multinational corporation (UPS has a market cap of $76 billion, Time-Warner about the same).

Mistakes were made, nothing to see here, move along...

$76 BILLION!?!?! AYFKM!?!

Here's one more interesting number. According to the company, its 2002 net income was -$9.2 bn on revenues of 32.2 bn, implying a net margin of -29%. This is like summiting Everest. It is an achievement that should be engraved on a monument somewhere. According to my database, the average S&P company had a net margin of around 11% last year. The highest net margin recorded by an S&P non-financial company last year was 39%, by Linear Technology. So WorldCom was 40% worse than average, and 78% short of great.

[We should also not understate the personal acheivement involved - I could fuck up everything every hour every day for the rest of my life and still not lose $76 billion. If all my paintings were worth 10 Million each, and I left 7000 of them in the dumpster by accident on the way to Sotheby's, and if I had some paint left, I'd still be ahead by $6 bn. It's arguably true that Bill Gates couldn't lose this kind of money if he tried. And it's Martha Stewart in the pokey.

I should also note that it's of the same order of magnitude of 'misunderestimation' that the Medicare Drug Company (sic) Benefit Plan - and note the Administration's way of handling the truth. PWP]

POWER, MONEY, STEROIDS

And that's just the governor:

"The federal government's ongoing investigation into steroids has broadened to include a bodybuilder who designed workouts for clients of BALCO, the sports supplement laboratory that allegedly funneled a designer steroid to prominent athletes.

"It also touched California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger last weekend, as federal agents descended on The Arnold, the bodybuilding convention he co-owns, to serve subpoenas in connection with the expanding probe."

[ Later in the article:
In a speech at the convention that was met with a standing ovation on Sunday, Schwarzenegger told attendees that he believes the Food and Drug Administration should not regulate dietary supplements because "I have very rarely seen the government do anything that was effective."
-LoM]

AGAIN WITH THE MYSTERIOUS ALASKA WOMEN INTERNATIONAL SPIES IN THEIR EARLY 40s

Former D congressional aide, Daughter of Ex-GOP AK gubernatorial candidate (and reputed satanist) John Lindauer, accused in a very odd sounding case of spying for Iraq. The political damage cuts both ways - she kept contacting the White House.

Splendidiser provides spoon full of sugar

Somehow political swill is easier to bear if one runs it through Stephen Fry's "Splendidiser" first. A sample from the RNC's site:

President George W. Bush
George W. Bush is dreadfully the 43rd President of the bloody United States. Oh my! My dear child, the old devil was unbearably sworn into office January 20, 2001, after a frightfully divine campaign in which the dashing fellow outlined sweeping proposals to reform America's public schools, transform our national defense, provide tax relief, modernize Social Security and Medicare, and encourage faith-based and community organizations to work with government to help Americans in need. Ugh, how uncouth! Now see here - president Bush served for six years as the divine 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where the splendid chap earned a reputation as a shriekworthy compassionate conservative who shaped public policy based divinely on the ghastly principles of limited government, personal responsibility, strong families, and local control. Golly!

[How terribly unkind of you to not have provided your dear audience with the URL for this charming and ingeneous site. Forsooth! -LoM]

[Here's the spiffing URL: http://www.brightyoungthingsthemovie.com/
I think it does wonders for Slahdot, don't you, old fellow? -LoM]

Air America Radio

Do you think liberals will make good talk radio if their dander is sufficiently up?

[This news made me recall a quote from the recent article in Mother Jones by Al Franken about his recent experiences on the USO tour:

My wife said to me before I left, "You don't see Bill O'Reilly doing a USO Tour."

"That's not fair, honey. O'Reilly has no talent."

-LoM]

OHIO TO TEACH STUPIDITY

The Seattle-based Discovery Institute applauds the decision to sneak creationism into the curriculum. A cursory inspection of their website reveals that the top executives of the "Discovery" "Institute" are: a former Reagan apparatchik, a theologian, and a lawyer. A real dream team to finally take that pesky Darwin down.

Memo to Institutionalized Discoverers: choose your enemies carefully, because you may come to resemble them.

SO THIS GUY SAID DURANT WAS GOOD

On the plane back from Paris after my honeymoon, I sat next to this guy who was a futurist. A professional futurist, working for some foundation (Foundation for the Future? The Future Foundation?) on the west coast. He was one of those people who has so many degrees in so many different subjects they have no apparent intellectual boundaries. Wanna talk economics? Sure. Philosophy? Certainly. Physics? Yup. History? Check.

The big surprise of our conversation was his resolute admiration of the popular historian Will Durant. Even though professional historians look down on Durant, he said, the 11-volume Story of Civilization (13 mm copies sold, and counting) is actually an outstanding technical achievement. He said Durant had gone to remarkable lengths to find original source material, and had managed to organize his work coherently and make it entertaining despite the scope of the project.

So I picked up The Story of Civilization at the SF Public Library surplus sale ($1 per volume). It's great. It covers the stuff I know about well-enough, and then a million other things I'd never heard of. And the writing is a relief from the linguistic contortions of modern historians. On English boarding schools of the Elizabethan era: "the curriculum was classical plus flogging..."

The only problem now is that I apparently hallucinated the whole thing. I can find no positive academic comment on Durant anywhere. Typing "Future Foundation" into Google yields 14,800 hits (from London-based consumer think-tanks to DC-based conservative debating societies) to some believers in genetic destiny in PWP's neighborhood (in the future, apparently, everyone will be naked and bald).

Durant apparently has an odd, right-leaning following. This person says Haldeman used his prison term to read Durant. Durant's stll a player at the Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland, or at least in the CEO's intern's quote book.

So I'm reading it and thoroughly enjoying the experience. But WTF?

[Oh well. I guess I'll hust have to read Durant because I like it. I think it's imcumbent on "real historians" to look down on anything we've ever heard of or are likely to read for pleasure. That's why I don't care what they think, unless they can prove to me that Durant made it all up. History is and always will be a battleground. Remember when Patrick O'Brian pretended (I'm pretty sure he was pretending) not to know who Barbara Tuchman was? -LoM]

[The couple I've read were fantastic primers on the classical sources, brilliant, funny, beautifully written - but I agree with a portion of the critique: by using only original sources, the Durants' 50 year (!) project all but eliminated modern scholarship - and you lose not only say, Marxist historiography, which is fair enough, but also most modern archaeology.

Vonn's right about the psychotic academic disdain for good writing, but I think it's clearing out a bit - I've even run across readable contemporary art history! But I remember fondly the Durants' descriptions of the Roman civil wars presaging the end of the Republic...they sound so... somehow...familiar. -PWP]

BOOK FOR THE LAIRD

Hey, remember that time Scotland was the center of the intellectual world?

[I'm the first bagpipe-playing kilt-wearer to admit that the best thing that ever happened to Scotland was the banning of bagpipe-playing and kilt-wearing. -LoM]

AI AMUSING

Geez, mention social insects of the Cretaceous period and the next thing you know, they're trying to sell you ant baits. In the case of army ants I strongly suggest you not use ant baits.

THE BEGINING OF THE END OF THE WHIFFLE PRESIDENCY?

Kerry Leads Bush in two polls, again, by 6-8 points EVEN WITH NADER (or perhaps "nadir"). The conventional wisdom of the media push may not have much effect - the undecideds are minor, the trend persistent, the president's approval continuing a steady, slow overall decline in an environment of extraordinary rigidity and partisanship. Switches won't happen easily. Even if we get Bin Laden, the Sadaam experience suggests that the political impact will be relatively minor. The best Bush's goons came up with was Kerry's "indecisiveness" - the generic attack one uses on anyone, when you can't think of anything better. Mars? Steroids? - They're out of ideas. Bush's ads effectively remind everyone about the recession and the dead duck jobs picture. And Kerry campaign is issuing targetted responses before the Bush attacks even occur.

In a election with a sitting president, it's a referrendum on Bush, Kerry's "liberalism" is a non-starter, and Ds are incredibly energized. I can think of a thousand reasons it won't work, but I'm thinking of '92, and I think we're in a better position at this stage, Perot or no.

THE BOOK IS OUT

America's Navy has had its moments. Its finest hour, in my opinion, is not well-known. As I perhaps have mentioned to you (but who's counting?), in 1944, off Samar, a couple of destroyers, a couple of jeep carriers, some boy scouts, and a loveable dog named Mugsie squared off against the entire Japanese battle fleet and sent them home with their tails between their legs. Well someone has finally written a book about it (Mugsie is unaccountably not mentioned).

The book includes the text of one of the finest opening statements ever given by a military officer (Lt. Comm. Robert Copeland of the destroyer escort Samuel B. Roberts) to his command:

"This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can."

Addendum: Here's a good map of the battle (bottom of page), and a good tactical overview of the climactic moment. Note the location of the destroyer Heerman in the center of the map, face to face with the battleship Hiruma. In destroyer school I think they recommend you not put your destroyer right in front of an enemy battleship. Amazingly, Heerman survived the battle.

[By some contrast in the way of desperate personal heroism, among the Navy's more recent accomplishments was the successful submarine attack on Afghanistan. -PWP]

THE ARMY HAS TOO MUCH MONEY

Coming soon to a GM dealership near you.

[Coming soon: The Chevy Medieval Castle -PWP]

A MOMENT IN THE LIFE OF WILLIAM HUNG

I know, I know. But I thought this was a very well-written little piece.

ZOOLANDER IN THE BROOKS RANGE

A Ralph Lauren Alaskan camp moc? (Ralph Lauren survival suit, bear whistle, and emergency locator beacon not included.)

HOW DARE HE

I believe this website and book have appropriated an idea first mooted by PWP in the late 1970's...

[If I had $15 for every bright idea of mine someone...usually with capital...ran with.... A cartoon sponge ring a bell with anyone?-PWP]

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Getting in the face of the man now ranks the same as the signing of the Constitution.

[One of my profs at school is Zhi Lin, is a technically brilliant artist -and both a deadly serious and goofy guy - whose work [wow -MoF] is sourced from his history around Tianamen Square. (That's z being metaphorically dragged off, note references to Maoist socialist realism) The light graphic image overlaying the work refers to a type of ancient sword used for executions. And no B.S., these pieces are drawn straight on with medium charcoal sticks and oils, sourced only from life studies-PWP

SAD NEWS

They've confirmed that Spalding Gray is dead.

[So ends a good 'un -PWP]

YOU MAY BE SHOCKED TO DISCOVER...

Microsoft involved in a conspiracy to destroy its competitors.

NOT LIKELY MY NEXT FAVORITE MOVIE

The Hellboy trailer looks terrible in a "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" way. (I like the comic book, BTW.)

THE ITALIANS BEG TO DIFFER

And I'm sure their thriving exports of espresso machines have nothing to do with this.

ACTUAL MASTERPIECE

Saw the nature documentary Winged Migration at a friend's house today and it was great. The (French) filmmakers got some unbelievable footage of birds in flight, taking shots from gliders, ultralights, remote-controlled robots, and who knows what else. We simply couldn't comprehend how they got some of the shots - for example, close-up shots of ducks covering up on a mountainside during a storm in the Himalaya. This is the sort of thing the French do well and hardly anyone else even thinks to attempt.

LOST MASTERPIECE

Army ants attack a small Alaskan town in Legion of Fire: Killer Ants! The movie asserts that giant mutant army ants can devour a moose in 3 minutes...

The real thing is scary enough. The Army ant business model is so good it hasn't changed since the Cretaceous period. This page shows typical swarm deployments, and this one shows how their traffic patterns are optimal for transporting prey back to the nest. Fortunately for us, they're pretty dumb, and their traffic patterns are not without weaknesses, as this picture indicates. Here's probably a more detailed explanation than you wanted.

WARM, WARMER, DISCO!

Art update: No used brains, aside from the rat sections we started with, but I've gotten tolerably good at getting paint blots squished in glass to look like an organ section - to the point of being a bit creepy, and as we all know, creepy is a seriously artful type deally-bob. The effect is countered by the cedar panels holding it together, which smell wholesomely cedary. Which is a problem, as I just found out that cedar order is a yet another deadly toxin.

I would elucidate further - but Uma has just indicated that I can get a steak here, Daddy-o.

You may notice from my questionable banter that I have found a local supply of Eye of the Hawk- our incredibly strong ale, and Pulp Fiction is on cable.

[Drink up, Lad! -LoM]

BRUCKHEIMER GOING FOR "WORST MOVIE EVER IN WORLD HISTORY RECORD"

Step one: lock up the Prince of Persia franchise.

THE BAD ART TEACHER

Thought PWP would appreciate this guy's take on a bad art teacher. Reading on, he just turned 18, and he was smart enough to nail down that URL...

[The lession here - an art class in 45 minutes is next to pointless; it takes that long to clean the selfsame sink.

I think Vonn heard my best in class line - which was actually delivered in a teacher training role-playing session: the student, assuming the identity of a religious goon who had turned a childish drawing of Jesus and a cross done in five minutes, accused me of assaulting his religious beliefs by giving him a "D."

My reply: "Jesus would have given you a D plus." -PWP]

NEBRASKA'S NEW PUBLIC HEALTH ENEMY #1

Caffeine. The governor is obviously a tool of the soy coffee lobby. Ha ha, you laugh. Okay, let me spell it out for you. Number of coffee growers in Nebraska: 0. Number of soybean producers: 22,000. Do NOT confuse soy coffee with soy nuts, pasta, shakes, bars (note that these are doctor-formulated!), or soy diesel fuel.

Meanwhile, soybean prices are at their highest level of the past 15 years as demand outstrips supply. Is caffeine really the problem here?

[You have seen the studies indicating the high level of estrogen in soy products?-PWP]

[As a vegetarian and part-owner of a soybean farm, I can only assume those studies are promulgated by the Texas Beef Council. This is obviously an accurate account of the situation, it's by a doctor. -MoF ]

WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED

Terrell Owens unhappy with trade to Ravens.

LAIRD'S NEXT FAVORITE MOVIE

Hellboy.

SLOW NEWS DAY

So I thought I'd share another quote from Conspiracy of Paper (or "The Villainy of Stock-Jobbers Detected") that has been much on my mind.

The set up is: Our Hero, Benjamin Weaver, has just successfully concluded a case for his highest-tone client, Sir Owen, who, being somewhat of the early 18th century equivalent of a "social progressive", does Weaver (who is jewish) the favor of introducing him to his aristocratic cronies at his club...

"Weaver, these men are Lord Thornbridge, Sir Robert Leicester, and Mr. Charles Home." All three men greeted me with rigid politeness as Sir Owen continued to talk. "Weaver here is as brave and stout a man as you're likely to meet. Here's a fellow who's a credit to his people, helping folks rather than tricking them with stock and annuities."

ENJOYABLE ECONOMICS BOOK

I admire good economists no matter where they fall on the political spectrum (hence my tail-wagging reaction to Friedman's "Monetary History of the United States"), and in that spirit strongly recommend "The Vices of Economists: The Virtues of the Bourgeoisie" by Dierdre McCloskey. This is arguably the finest short book on economics ever written by a conservative transsexual economist. Her memoir is supposed to be pretty good too.

SCO UNDONE BY CRAPPY MICROSOFT SOFTWARE

Irony...can be so ironic.

THE PRESS DOES LOVE A FALSE DICHOTOMY

Bush-Kerry campaign debates leadership versus credibility

I would have framed this as "Leadership and credibility: maybe the president should have these qualities."

NICE OPENER...

9/11 Victims' Kin Angered by Bush Ads

I just can't wait to see the rest of the campaign.

"Three thousand people were murdered on President Bush's watch," Breitweiser said. "He has not cooperated with the investigation to find out why that happened."

BEYONCE APPARENTLY EMPLOYING THE HONG KONG CAVALIERS

Singer Beyonce's band came to the aid of a 91-year-old driver, chasing and holding down a suspected carjacker.

IMPATIENT WITH JOCK CULTURE?

This will get you fired up.

[A side note - jock culture is indeed often nefarious (particularly at UW, if you've been following the multifarious candyman and money scandals) but I thought I should add that it among the Art TAs we all noted that UW players were usually -not always - excellent art students, mostly because they were used to focused discipline. And it should be noted that one of the leading contemporary artists in the world, Mathew Barney, maker of the deeply disturbing (why are they always deeply disturbing?)Cremaster series, was a football jock from Idaho.

THIS IS AWESOME

Anita Baker's back...most excellent.

PROPOSAL FOR NEW GRASS-ROOTS ANTI-KERRY GROUP

Inspired by these patriots, I propose the following new anti-Kerry group:

Vietnam Vets for Pretending the Vietnam War Was a Good Idea and Denying that George W. Bush Had the Military Equivalent of a Mob No-Show Construction Job at the Time

[I believe I have shared my new decision rule for presidential candidates: I will only vote for individuals who have served with distinction in our nation's armed services.

As far as Vietnam goes, I have a feeling this election is going to be about a whole lot more than who is going to be the next president. Looks like Bush the Elder was 15 years early writing off Vietnam as an issue. If anyone should have the last word on Vietnam it should be the band Dave's True Story, whose "Daddy-o" includes these lyrics:

The word from Saigon
Mao will change his tune
Let bys be bygone
We'll be gone by June.

Also, if memory serves:

The Best and the Brightest
have a job to do
They don't need reminding
about Dien Bien Phu...

- MoF ]

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Urk!

49ERS DEMONSTRATE RENEWED COMMITMENT TO SUCKING

49ers Release Jeff Garcia

["One of the great things about the New York 49ers is the way that ex- employees are rehabilitated the moment they become ex-employees, simply by virtue of becoming ex-employees." - MoF]

THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE PARKING LAPSE

an EPIC POEM pleading for parking mercy (soon to be sent to the Ballard Magistrate)

Sharp! the eye and full the heart of duty
That clapp'd to my Honda the chastisement of
Parking potentates
Ere the sun reached his zenith
Tho I wept not-
(Cruelly but fair go to the eagle
His honest spoils
So that a man may park ever
in this County of Kings)

But 'twas in the gloaming twilight
Fell my burden,
hard and hoary and merciless

Late for the film and mind fogged by a lady waiting,
Still I pored line by each of the two signs
Looming above my prized new space.
I bored my eyes into the words as if
They were the lost final stanzas of
A great nation's poem,
My perception honed by the
Morn's harsh experience.
I read the lines as if they were
Marks of a grizzly in cold country,
And the perpetuation of my wretched life
My only reward.

Now at seeing, I fancy I am no slack-jawed
Stock-Jobber. I teach painting,
The Art of Seeing
Where I am rapt by beauty
And scornful of careless looking

Yet in vain was this preparation.

Cruel hard then did it fall,
When we returned,
Jagged and weighty
An avalanche of broken rock!
Tagged we were again in
the sheriff's wrath
Tagged by the penetrating fingers
of civic justice
Tagged as scofflaw, fiend and outcast
Tagged Again!

For there above the two signs
From which I gleaned all possible meaning
There stood in dark leaves and grey branches
Two more! Two More risen into
The Trees like squirrel attorneys,
powerful, disappeared, chattering.

Four signs! Four (Twas two e'en now!)
Who may rest here when this
Folio of No Standing dangles high in the
Deep forest like "Moby Dick"
Stuck atop a trolling rod?

Four signs! Scripted they were in
Colloquial Aramaic or Pidgin Latvian -
(Twas no penetrable language)
- Four signs coiling to spring a bear trap
from the high trees
Four signs to redouble my
outlawry and humiliation
Four signs and a fine to snatch
from my mouth a month of morning bagels

Four signs, say I,
Four Horsemen of the Parking Lapse

I. who all that day, mindful anew of social obligation,
Strain'd my eyes and sweated my navigation
To park with honor and humble respect,
Ask your beneficence, ask you to reduce this
Many-stack'd misfortune to $20
(And perception quickened)

And for the Four Signs Yet Lurking
Darkly above this tar pit of a parking space,
Twice Scilla and Charybdis in hazzard and horror,
I beg that comes a month
One Sign speaks alone:
Park Here, Nevermore

[Martha Stewart obviously had the wrong lawyer... -MoF ]

THE NEW CRONKITE
"The Daily Show" reached a ratings milestone during the two weeks of the Iowa caucus, New Hampshire primary and State of the Union address. For the first time, Stewart's show had more male viewers aged 18 to 34 than any of the network evening news shows.

PUNDGE IN PRACTICE

Still no Gang of Four at the Apple store [remember the GoF song "Capital (It Fails Us Now)" -LoM], but - hello - the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are front and center on the opening screen. "Maps" and "Fever to Tell" are definitely near-pundge, with "Fever to Tell" the closer, to my mind. The songs I consider most pundgish have fairly stripped-down instrumentation, which puts a lot of pressure on the vocalist to carry the song. Their singer is as up to the job as anyone.

The Screaming Trees are, as advertised, awesome. Everyone should go get some Screaming Trees albums. This is the third grundge band I can officially stand! (Ixnay on the Oundgartensay...) PWP favors the earlier Sweet Oblivion, and songs like "Troubled Times" are right on the mark. But the later Dust also has plentiful pundgitude and, as a bonus I suppose, other moods as well. Some of the songs are in major keys, but they're all really good. According to the iTunes biography, the lead singer was a friend of Kurt Cobain! So there you go.

But it's not all wine and roses in the house of pundge. There are dilemmas and hard choices to be made. I refer, of course, to the Cowboy Junkies. Their name alone pushes them into the top ranks of candidate bands. And their sound is, at first listening, quite pundgy. But all their songs sound the same! So either every Cowboy Junkies song is a pundge song, or none are. What to do? Well, I propose three tests for borderline music: 1) Is it a grundge band (no)? 2) Is it a punk band (no)? 3) Is the music spare, dry and emotionally desperate (yes, yes, and maybe somewhat)? And that's my problem with them - they've got the mood right, but I have to look around for the emotional content. For now "Sweet Jane" makes the playlist, but no others unless accompanied by proof of actual human tragedy.

In the close-but-no-cigar category, we have The Smashing Pumpkins' "Never Let Me Down Again". It has many of the elements we're looking for: a strong vocal performance, spare instrumentation, and some dissonance. I thought at first it might qualify, but there are three issues: 1) It's a little too slick and easy. 2) It's a little too close to a major key. 3) Finally (and I'm afraid this decision cannot be appealed), it's a Depeche Mode song. NEXT!

IT ALL WENT DOWN AT HCTEL ORK

Could anything be more strangely relaxing than reading a paragraph about a failed hotel robbery in Iceland?

Also, note the story about the leak at parliment.

[Iceland just got a little colder. - MoF]

A LIVE WELL-LIVED

And Run Run Shaw's still living it.