This is Not a Hat

My favorite hat in all of art, here.

Revenge is Sweet

Nigerian scammer taken down. I thought naming the head of the church Shiver Metimbers was the best cross-cultural bluff since captured U.S. pilots told their North Vietnamese interrogators that their senior officers were Bart Starr and Ray Nitschke.

And, dear Sea Lord, to qualify as a refutation, the boobies must be presented nude, in a political allegory. Not in one or the other.

The Economist Endorsement

Typically intelligent but rigidly capitalist in ideology, the Economist endorses Kerry. (But he won't confront his party on outsourcing, he waffles on something or other and thank goodness the Congress will kill the health plan).

Thank you, Economist. And yet, fuck off swinging.

Piles of Early American Nudity

(Venus and Cupid Benjamin West) Refuting the suggestion that early American painters did not paint breasts is proving to be a rewarding task. Breasts are as American as apple martinis.

More Early American Breasts

John Singleton Copely

The Decolletage of Liberty

I am compelled to refute Dr. X's suggestion that American painters would eschew painting breasts, begining with the priceless folk art below.



"Liberty and Washington," Anon. 1800? Fenimore Museum, NY

Liberty, Equality, Brotherhood. Now More than Ever.

Brett Favre Saves the World! (We hope)

Whew! Greenbay 28 Washington 14. I'm glad that monkey is off our back. When Washington wins their last home game before the presidential election, the incumbent party always wins the election. When Washington loses, the incumbent party loses. Read about it here. This bodes very badly for Bush! Let's hope that Brett farvre just saved the world.

Going In Stength

Latest polls show a hard tie, which a challenger wins about 75-80% of the time. The movement this weekend is generally towards Kerry. As Dr. X pointed out, early turnout is absolutely massive, another good sign.

There is also an ineffable mood - among Democratic faithfuls, there is nervousness, but a palpable sense of possibility and shared strength. And now there are intolerable cracks in the Bush supporters' sense of electoral entitlement. The elan is moving Left.

In the Interests of Equal Time

Before we left, Reza called a close aide of Massoud’s in Tajikistan to express our sorrow.

“I’m calling to find out that the terrible news is not true,” Reza said.

“It is true. But it is OK,” the aide said. “Now we are all Massoud.”

The Evil Bastards

"The U.S. official said "a political spinoff (of al-Qaida) is one of the greatest fears" of U.S. counter-terrorism authorities, in which bin Laden and the terror network follow the path of the Palestine Liberation Organization, Hezbollah and members of the Irish Republican Army. Over the years, those groups evolved from having an emphasis on committing terrorism into broader organizations with influential, widely accepted political wings."

Yes, you heard that right. One of the greatest fears of U.S. counter-terrorist experts is that terrorists will de-emphasize terrorism and attempt to persuade others of their views by more legitimate means.

Will this madman stop at nothing?

Color Photography in the Time of the Czars

No kidding.

Whew, That's A Relief

In response to the latest terror tape, Bush calls a meeting, tells people to handle it. "White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the president directed them to make sure any necessary action is taken in regards to the tape."

When It's Time for R&R

I suggest you nattering nautical nabobs get your downtime with the Lie Girls

To the Polls, Brothers and Sisters!
We Have Not Yet Begun to Vote!

I'm Not So Sure This is Going to be Close

Take a look at this simple Google search. They are expecting 70%+ turnout in California, Missouri, New Hampshire... In Oregon, turnout is up to 45% already (31% in 2000).

In Florida, "Miami-Dade elections officials say as many as one-third of the county's one (M) million registered voters will have voted before Tuesday."

Madre de Dios

Before the English, there were the Dutch - I had never heard of this naval battle before, or this one, but if the Dutch had won the subsequent trade wars it could have been their Trafalgar and their Spanish Armada.

Terrorists Menacing America with Fake Rubik's Cubes

Virginia Kice, a spokeswoman for Immigration and Customs Enforcement, said agents went to Pufferbelly based on a trademark infringement complaint filed in the agency's intellectual property rights center in Washington, D.C.

"One of the things that our agency's responsible for doing is protecting the integrity of the economy and our nation's financial systems and obviously trademark infringement does have significant economic implications," she said.

Eenie Meenie Meinie Moe...

"Russian special forces troops moved many of Saddam Hussein's weapons and related goods out of Iraq and into Syria in the weeks before the March 2003 U.S. military operation, The Washington Times has learned.

"Most of Saddam's most powerful arms were systematically separated from other arms like mortars, bombs and rockets, and sent to Syria and Lebanon, and possibly to Iran, he said."

I know, it's not a reliable source, but this is too good. So now we can attack those terrorist havens Syria, Lebanon, Iran, and...Russia!

My Orders

Gentlemen: I will be out of communication after early this afternoon, as I must set sail with the next tide. I wanted to share this dialog with you before I part:

First Sea Lord,

I look forward in great Anticipation to next week, when we will run the Enemy to ground! I have acquired the use of a DEMOCRACYMOBILE, to take our cause TO THE PEOPLE, in this time of greatest Need! Let us, who are Democrats, protect and defend our good COUNTRY against the Attempts of all Republicans, who this year intend to take America, our happy Country, to dispose our Liberties; to OPPRESS our Wives and Daughters; to rob us of our Property, and to teach us nothing but the damn'd Art of murdering one another!

'Til our Rendezvous in SEATTLE, I remain,

- Lieut. V.M. Marsch

And the reply...

VM Marsch, Lt.

Aboard Active

Sir-

I present my complements; You are requested and required to proceed NNW at once, and make the Puget Sound passage in Haste, making all Sail, without DELAY, or REGARD for Care or Niceness of appearance. On encountering friendly vessels, You are to signal that you are carrying despatches, and will not stop for provis - Excepting that you may make a prize of Nader's Raider, and Press her crew forthwith. At the rendevous in Elliot Bay, you shall make the private signal, and salute with three guns at 3 bells in the forenoon watch. There you shall load beer, coffee, biscotti, and best powder. Until arr you are directed to discomfit the Enemy at will, granting no quarter nor more mercy than has been shown to us, but do not miss the rendevous. These Sir are the Requirements of LIBERTY.

Right Hon. JA Bollenbach,

First Sea Lord

PS

And Marsch, at action, do not fuss about with a taking down a foretopmast and soiling her laundry. Burn, Sink, Destroy, and Bury. Also, bring good walking shoes.

A Simple Game

Try to beat my top score: 85608

Screw the Family, I Need 60 Hours, stat!

"Drop everything and do it right now. This is the best PlayStation 2 game ever made. Period."

"With its strong story, well-written dialogue, terrific voice cast, impressive graphics, great in-game sound, and extremely entertaining and varied gameplay, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is a stupendous thrill ride that shouldn't be missed."

Missed Her By That Much

I hope Katherine Harris doesn't try to capitalize on this by hiring one of those contemptable trial lawayers.

"I was exercising my political expression," Seltzer told police, according to the report.

Not Even His Relatives Will Vote For Him!

"Bush Relatives for Kerry" grew out of a series of conversations that took place between a group of people that have two things in common: they are all related to George Walker Bush, and they are all voting for John Kerry. As the election approaches, we feel it is our responsibility to speak out about why we are voting for John Kerry, and to do our small part to help America heal from the sickness it has suffered since George Bush was appointed President in 2000.

Hominid Hobbitus

On top of the recent discovery of the giant chimp, current homind evolutionary theory is thrown another huge curve with the discovery of real hobbits - three feet tall proportionate humans that lived as recently as 12,ooo years ago, nearly in the historical period, around Indonesia, just across the Brandywine. I'm sorry, I made that last bit up.

The locals have detailed stories of the Ebu Gogo - and, interestingly, they must have reached the island by boats, (96,000 years ago-and although related to Homo Erectus this suggests substantial intellectual capability) and may have been finally wiped out by a volcano; although there is scientific speculation that they might still exist.

Triumph in Spin Alley

Get it here.

Two choice quotes:

TRIUMPH: (Yelling to Karl Rove on a talk show set) You're Bush's brain Karl. I was expecting a much smaller man.

(Turns) Hee hee, yes...I'm a dead man.

---

TRIUMPH: (Talking to Joe Lockhart) You handled Clinton, so you're ready for anything, right?

LOCKHART: I think that's true -- I think that's true.

TRIUMPH: Joe Lockhart -- I mean if John Kerry, tonight in the debate, were to get oral sex behind the podium, you'd be the go-to guy -- to spin it.

LOCKHART: What do you mean by that? How do you define that?

TRIUMPH: Ahhhhaaa...those were the days!

The Onion With Another Dunk

This is brilliant.

Call It an Upgrade

The Alaska Aces just got better - a LOT better.

"Anybody seen 380 tons of RDX around anywhere?"

Huge Cache of Explosives Vanished From Site in Iraq: "The bomb that brought down Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, in 1988 used less than a pound of the same type of material"

That's enough RDX to blow up 760,000 airliners. No wonder they tried to cover it up.

IRRESPONSIBLE, BASELESS CHARGES AGAINST BUSH

Are, entertainingly, here.

Just in Time for Christmas: The Klaus Barbie Doll

Virgin strangely gets into a bit of a kerfuffle with a line of SS dolls.

Other rejected children's products for the holiday season:

Lil' Pol Pot People

Uday and Hussay Bratz

Eva Braun Barbie

Stretch-Tojo

Plushy Nazi

GI Josef With Goose Stepping Action

Franco-Weeble

Lego Forced Collectivization Funland

Good Night, Mao

Meanie Babies

Tickle Me Himmler

Happy Happy Happy

The local media have finally taken notice of Mondo Media, creators of the sick sick sick "Happy Tree Friends". How do I know about "Happy Tree Friends"? The bond guy told me about it. How did he know? His eight year-old son told him...

Compassionate, Conservative, Bankrupt

What is it with conservative southern California and money? First Orange County loses its shirt due to a failure to understand a concept we financial professionals like to call "risk".

Now San Diego, apparently operating on the assumption that stocks were unlikely to ever go down, seems to have mislaid $1.7 bn or so.

And these are the people who tell us we don't understand money.

FINALLY

Remember the Anchorage mayoral election of the mid-'80s that brought in Tom Fink? Okay, I wasn't here at the time, but I've heard about it. The loser, Dave Walsh, tried to set realistic (low) expectations of the economy after the oil bust, while Fink waxed ebullient. Fink played to voters' hopes, and the rest is history.

Comes now Bill Clinton to summarize and contrast Kerry's and Bush's positions. NPR played it this morning. Portraying Kerry as the candidate of hope and Bush as the fearmonger is the best move I can think of at this point, and it might just work.

Can I Get a Patch for That?

Want to print a folder listing in Windows? Good luck.

LMAO

Microsoft's new firewall (aka "the dumbest software ever") just notified me that it is blocking certain suspicious activities of a suspicious program that is acting suspiciously. The suspicious program: Windows Media Player.

It asked if it should keep blocking the offending functionality. Sure, I said. Who knows malevolent hijinks Microsoft products might get up to?

The Answer Book

If further proof were needed, Wikipedia is invaluable again in explaining the multitude of jokes and chiches around modern geek culture. Here is way more than a person ever needs to know about Slashdot...

It's Still a Week Early

Former Navy Secretary John Lehman said Thursday that the Pentagon has pinpointed the location of Osama bin Laden in the Baluchistan Region of Western Pakistan, but is holding back on rounding him up until the day before the election...I mean, because it could destabilize the government of Pakistani leader Pervez Musharraf.

It's Alive! It's Alive!

Scientists at the University of Florida made a living 'brain' by extracting 25,000 neurons from a rat's brain and culturing them inside a glass dish...

Jon Stewart on 60 Minutes Tomorrow

The information here is much like the headline. Also, there are a new set of articles out (NYT, WA Post, others).

Did I say Fascists?

NYT Headline if you missed it: Ohio GOP enlisting thousands of voter challengers, to "check" up on voters at the polls and directly challenge their ability to vote while people are trying to vote. It would be one thing if there was the slightest reason to believe this was anything but intimidation and an attempt to gum up the works and prevent people from voting. I presume they are stopping short of physical intimidation - on they other hand, why would one necessarily assume that? Dirty tricks are one thing, but a REVIVAL of aggressive, organized voter intimidation is a direct assault on democracy.

This is bananna republic bullshit; they are laying out a road that might end up in real violence. (Ohio already had a recent history of riots) The courts and attorneys general need to get incredibly aggressive, and fast, to back the rule of democratic law.

Chalk Up One for the All-You-Can Eat Buffet

Let's say you're guilty of running a GOP consulting firm lying to voters and tossing Democratic registrations, not in one, not in two, but in lots of states.

Ask yourself how you would respond when someone asks you about these persistent, repeated, despicable, quasi-fascist felonies.

No need to speculate, read the answer here.

Next Time, Try a Fascist-Seeking Meringue

Two righteous goofs hit a glancing pie-blow on Ann Coulter.

I quote Cleese: How could you miss?

I also quote Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:

"Ann Coulter, yes, I shtupped that psycho and I was the one accused of bestiality."

For a Few Trillion More

Dr. X, who no doubt is busy trying to extract some remnant marrow of the bear bones* of the market this week, recently proposed buying everyone in the United States a car as a reward for voting, which would be cheaper and better for the environment and economy than the totality of Administration's deficit spending in the last four miserable years.

As long as we're tossing trillions around, how much would it really cost to give everyone who wanted one a job, in exchange for voting? You can take the 5.6 unemployment rate and employ people who wanted to work doing useful things - rotating America's tires, or repairing the national infrastructure, or cleaning up the environment or teaching children or providing primary care screening, at say a passable $25,ooo a year for 8,774,000 unemployed.

To get a grip, let me total $50,ooo per job including salary, admin, support, and related costs, and you get a mere $438.7 Billion/ year- a pittance really -and a presumably massive reduction in discretionary social spending- to drive the employment rate to zilch.

Econ 101 says this will cause inflation. Histrionics, and worse, an article of supply-demand orthodoxy. How much inflation did giving vast trillions to the wealthy cause? (To be fair, not much, as lots of this cash, courtesy of the grandchildren of the American people, was undoubtedly stuffed into Cayman accounts). If the last four years proves anything, it's that deficit-driven supply side stimulation is a pile of stale moose turds, mere evidence that the moose is still there. What this would do is drive up salaries at Wal Mart, as labor becomes more scarce, driving down profits at wage slave stores. I employ an old amateur economist's expression: Tough titties.

This also begs the question, how much is Iraq, say, on E-Bay? Bids start at 280 Billion - is that an unreasonable cash offer for the entire country? I mean, good lord, how much could North Korea possibly be?

*This pun, with it's nicely triple-pointed edge, was, I think, regrettably unavoidable

America, FUCK YEAH!!!

I have a movie recommendation: Team America: World Police.

It's hella offensive. It's really unfair to liberal celebrities. It is not a good movie. It is quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen in a theater since Airplane came out.

And it has me walking around, singing the main theme song:

America. America. America Fuck Yeah!!!
Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah,
America, Fuck Yeah!

Freedom is the only way, yeah,
Terrorist your game is through,
'Cause now you have to answer to America, Fuck Yeah!!!
So lick my butt and suck my balls,
America, Fuck Yeah!!!

What ya gonna do when we come fo you now?
It's the dream that we all share, it's the hope for tomorrow,
Fuck Yeah!!!

McDonalds, Wal-Mart, the Gap, baseball, NFL,
Rock and roll, the internet, slavery,
Fuck yeah!!! Fuck yeah!!!

Starbucks, Disneyworld, porno, valium, Reebock,
Fake tits, sushi, Taco Bell, rodeo, Bed Bath and Beyond.

Liberty, waxed lips, the Alamo, bandaids, Christmas,
Immigrants, Popeye, Democrats,
Republicans, sportsmanship, books.

I Embrace the Obvious Sarcasm

BBC: We are currently consuming 20% more natural resources than the earth can produce.

Of course, I'm sure that if we just trust them, and let them operate free of government interference, capital markets will take care of the problem before the planet is a dusty grey oxygen-free smoldering bone-strewn pile of ash.

The Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Ascendency of Painting

London, arguably a hotter and more cutting edge of an art scene than New York, and the center of a decades long rise of conceptual over the visual, caves in: "Painting is always with us," says a major critic (and former opponent) and painting completes a type of return to the center of art.

World Chumps Stage Historic Choke

Sometimes, a team just doesn't know how to win. Snatches defeat from the jaws of victory. Lets no-one defeat them, but beats themselves. I refer, with no small amount of glee, to the New York Yankees.

I watched last night's game with a neighbor of mine, a life-long Yankees fan, and told him, after the Sox had opened up a six-run lead in the second inning, that I hoped that the Yankees would win a "moral victory."

(They didn't.)

For those of you who don't follow sports, what the Red Sox achieved is this: the first time in baseball history that a team has come back from a three-game deficit to win a series. Only the third time in all of professional sports.

More More More

Number of people who have downloaded the Jon Stewart clip from IFilm: 670,000
Number of people who usually watch "Crossfire": 615,000

"Links to the IFilm video and CNN.com's online transcript of the show have been posted to countless online bulletin boards and Web logs. Blogdex, a research project by the MIT Media Laboratory that tracks blog community activity, ranked the CNN.com transcript as the top online content being pointed to among bloggers on Monday. On Tuesday, the transcript was tied for the top spot on Blogdex's list."

God Flip Flops

Pat Robertson, noted for his 1-900 number to God, is now saying that Bush, also famously addressed by God, told him that "we weren't going to have any casualties going into Iraq."
God had just told Robertson that the war would be a disaster.

First God tells Pat one thing, then Bush another. Which is it, God?

Another Banner Day for Censorship

Wal-Mart bans Jon Stewart's book.

They have gone too far. From this day forward, I shall oppose them at every turn.

Link to Stewart comments on his Crossfire appearance here.

Area51--Now the Truth Can Be Told

Groom Lake Road
Originally uploaded by eevans24.

Recently, on a whim I went to Las Vegas and while there discovered THE TRUTH about Area51. Here's an excerpt from my memoirs:

I am in a badly maintained American-made rental car, on a maze of rocky, potholed roads with no discernable landmarks. I have no idea whether or not there is a spare tire. I havent seen another soul in 2 hours. It is 100 degrees outside and I have exactly 1/2 of a cup of warm mineral water and a small bag of Planters Mixed nuts. I didn't even have the foresight to bring a friend along that I could kill and eat in an emergency. This would be a very foolish way to die, but I must persevere.

--Check out the rest of the story on The Bagpiping Road

NYT Weighs In on DickGate

The Stewart interview is only growing in stature and distribution over the last few days, lauded demurely here by the Times. It certainly reminded me of the difference between common self-righteousness and the rather more rare and valuable actual righteousness.

After the prissy, arrogant, uncomprehending way Carlson defended himself later, clearly believing himself incapable of any kind of error or weakness (lot of that going around), I feel liberated to insult Carlson, aka "The Dicktator", "Dicky," "Nip n' Tuck", "Dickmaster 9000", "Miss Muffet" or "Lt. Commander Dicktopolis," freely.

Tally-Ho

I've been reading a really swell book about Talleyrand (Duff Cooper, 1932) which should be required reading for all surviverists.

I hope to amuse you with a number of quotes in the days to come, but let me start with this one: "The individual who sincerely believes that his country is suffering, and will continue to suffer as the result of bad policy, has to choose between becoming either a passive spectator of his country's ruin or taking steps to prevent it which his enemies will denounce as disloyalty. When open opposition is rebellion, secret opposition becomes treason; yet there are circumstances in which such treason may become the duty of a patriot."

Homework assignment: list the nine arguments the Bush Administration has made against this sort of reasoning.

Mr. Seahawk: Jerry Rice!

Yep, it happened.

Into the Dictionary

Jon Stewart recently posited that Tucker Carlson is a "dick." Let us evaluate the applicability of this verbal dicktification of Tucker "Dick" Carlson.

It is widely known that no seriously analyst would reject a description of Tuckler Carlson as a sociopathic pinch-necked little preppy turbo weasel with a starched hemlock 2 by 4 up the deficit, but a dick? A pussy with a soft spot for leather goods and goose-stepping, sure, but what is important here is to differentiate the dickscriptive from the perjorative.

A rigorous survey of things Tucker Carlson says, such as "the" or "and", would suggest that dripping contempt is as water to his thirsty soul, and his only enjoyment in life is humiliating inferiors, making money or using leather goods in rigorously controlled scenarios. University studies have shown that Tucker Carlson randomly head-butts lower-caste women, such as those below 57th on the East Side. D.C. Police report that Tucker Carlon was arrested for overturning cars in celebration when the Capital Gains tax was gutted, and puncturing the car tires of clerks at Target when the Estate tax was greatly reduced, which as he explained later, was the natural process of the market rewarding efficient behavior. For that incident, he did his community service in the steam n' steak room at the Georgetown Petroleum Club.

Certainly, this is a prima facia case of a dicktitude of Dickensian proportions. But is Carlson's dicktality total or partial? His addicktion grew from a steaming hot heap of dickly privilege which, sources say, occupies the set of all points, and contributed to his million dollar dicktion. So perhaps "Dick of Ages" or "Dicktoplex" or "Dickfinity" or "NitroDick" or "Order of Dicktitude" or "Dickzilla," or "Doug and Bob Dickensie" or "Tricky Tucker" or "Dick Vader" would not be disproportionate characterizations, and Jon Stewart might only be faulted for his mildness and self-containment.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Is what Red Sox fans must be asking themselves right now.

I Could Read It All Night

Dana Stevens / Liz Penn says:

"...You'd be hard-pressed to ask for more entertaining television than Friday's live smackdown. Stewart's naked appeal to his hosts to 'please stop, stop, stop. Stop hurting America,' had a loopy, apocalyptic power. It burned a hole in the screen, like Peter Finch as the crazed anchorman in Network, bellowing, 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.'

"A while back, I called Jon Stewart the 'court jester' of this election. But he may be more like the fool in King Lear, speaking brutal truth to a king who is already too far gone to hear it. Sure, Stewart's job is to make us laugh, not to lecture us. But as Lear's fool asked, 'May not an ass know when the cart draws the horse?' "

More here.

TV Sends International Distress Beacon

A Toshiba flat screen television, distraught over its role in the decline of civilization sends its own SOS out into the heavens.

The signal from Chris van Rossmann's TV was routed by satellite to the Air Force Rescue Center at Langley Air Base in Virginia...Van Rossmann said he was told to keep his TV off to avoid paying a $10,000 fine for "willingly broadcasting a false distress signal."

Tucker Carlson: I Won

In exactly the same sense that Custer won at Little Big Horn.

I Know It Looks Bad

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for why this guy was paid in crack cocaine to register voters...

Faster Than You Can Say "Improve Receiver Corps"

Jerry Rice and his agent have been granted permission to speak to Seattle about a possible trade before Tuesday's 1 p.m. NFL trade deadline.
-- San Francisco Chronicle

According to CBS' Greg Gumbel, Seattle WR Koren Robinson is appealing a four-game suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Gumbel added that has led to Seattle talking to Oakland about acquiring Rice.
-- Orlando Sentinel

Now THIS is Scary

It occured to me only now that the popular notion of Bush being controlled by a circle of capable (if evil) handlers like Cheney is only an illusion to comfort us. The truth may well be much scarier.

Without a Doubt -- New York Times Magazine

Just in Time for Xmas

The final final version of Return of the King due out, with 50 more minutes of footage, 12/14.

Finally, the movie is done.

Now, when are they going to show all three complete installments in one day?

The Seahawks Send a Mixed Message

Message #1: We're nervous stumblebums and can't get out of our own way in a big game.

Message #2: We got guys who'll hit you so hard your helmet'll land in New Hampshire, and despite all our screwups we were within three points late in the 4th quarter.

Message #3: There is only one team that can beat the Seattle Seahawks. That team is The Seattle Seahawks.

The 47th Way the FBI has your Name

FBI raids offices of Indymedia, seizes hard drives; eventually returns them.

I'm sure it's because that without Indymedia, Bin Laden wouldn't stand a chance. Because Indymedia is all about islamic fascism, or semi-socialist anti-globalist dissent, or maybe an insurance scam, or something. Same diff, I guess, I mean how different can they be if the FBI is after them? I sure that even though DOJ has not yet completed a single successful prosecution of a terrorist since 9/11, it's just a phase, this part of the new strategy, they know what they're doing, setting priorites, or you know, FBI stuff, so that no one ever has to watch the windows of a Starbucks being damaged, ever again.

Official RN Postion On the Submarine

Ah, hello. Well first of all I'd like to apologize for the behaviour of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved British Navy. They are a small vociferous minority; and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find toothmarks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, necrophilia is right out.

(It's very hard to not raid this Python scripts site )

The Big Game (Corrected and Updated)

At 10 a.m. tomorrow, the Seahawks invade Patsieville, for The Big Game. How big is the game? It's going to make the police action in Korea look like a traffic stop, ok? If the Seahawks win, both they and the Patriots will be 4-1. If they lose, they drop to 3-2, into the Lame Mediocrity Division, and the Patriots are 5-0, set a new consecutive victory record, and roll on to Super Sunday.

The Seahawks are ready, and they've been preparing for this game all year (including during the fourth quarter last week). If they win they've served notice they're ready for the big show. If they lose, it's a long ride home. It's going to be a big game - it's going to make the Ice Bowl look like a luau, ok?

It's going to be a big game. Shannon Sharpe thinks Seattle can win, but it won't be easy. It's going to make the Charge of the Light Brigade look like sorority rush, ok? It's going to make the Thrilla in Manila look like a Milli Vanilli video! It's going to make Helm's Deep look like a hen party! It's going to make Ragnarok look like Woodstock! OK? It's going to be a BIG GAME!

Strangely, The New York Times Endorses Kerry

It's actually a rather good summary, with just a touch of grounded outrage.

Wow

Ed Belfour with 35 saves in Toronto's 2-1 victory over the Senators... He was busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest!

Another Court Disputes the Bush-Cheney Doctrine

"We cannot simply suspend or restrict civil liberties until the War of Terror is over, because the War on Terror is unlikely ever to be truly over," Judge Gerald Tjoflat wrote for the three-member court. "September 11, 2001, already a day of immeasurable tragedy, cannot be the day liberty perished in this country."

Go Tony

Salon on the Alaska Senate race.

EVACUATE? IN OUR MOMENT OF TRIUMPH?

You Overestimate Their Chances.

Paid for by Bush-Cheney For Grand Moff 2004

Tra-la, Tra-la, Rove's In Front of a Grand Jury

Karl Rove, one of President Bush’s top White House aides, testified this morning before a federal grand jury investigating the leak of a CIA operative's name by administration sources. Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald questioned Rove about his contacts with journalists in what a source familiar with Rove's situation said was his third appearance before the grand jury...

Foreigners for Kerry

Guardian poll shows Americans still popular, but the world wishes the "foreign policy" president would go away.

But What Does the Media Say? (Updated)

Jon Stewart torches 'Crossfire' hosts - NY Daily News

"In a riveting TV showdown, the "Daily Show" star rips the bow-tied "Crossfire" host for "hurting America" " - Salon.com

"Crossfire John Stewart ripped apart Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson in one of the funnier bits of punditry I've ever seen." - Some newspaper in Wisconsin

"Jon Stewart Bitchslaps CNN's 'Crossfire' Show" - MTV.com

The Washington Post has put up a blow-by-blow.

And it makes Poynteronline.

Only for the Strong of Stomach - In the Sense of Hilarity

Schadenfreude breakin' out all over - and although there may be no more obvious link in all the inter-web than something on the Smoking Gun, here is the Bill O'Reilly sexual harassment lawsuit.

The Slogan of 2004

Just can't stop reading/thinking about John Stewart's little ambush. The defining moment for me, of half a decade of bullshit: He says to Tucker (A Bigger Idiot Than I Thought) Carlson - "I'm not going to be your monkey."

It's all here.

Everyone now...go to your windows, open them up, and shout...

I'M NOT GOING TO BE YOUR MONKEY!!!

John Stewart Takes the Next Step to Sainthood

In friendly way (well, at first anyway), John Stewart cut Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala to ribbons on Crossfire (transcript here). In the public interest, here is an excerpt:


STEWART: I thought Al Sharpton was very impressive.

(LAUGHTER)

STEWART: I enjoyed his way of speaking.

I think, oftentimes, the person that knows they can't win is allowed to speak the most freely, because, otherwise, shows with titles, such as CROSSFIRE.

BEGALA: CROSSFIRE.

STEWART: Or "HARDBALL" or "I'm Going to Kick Your Ass" or...

(LAUGHTER)

STEWART: Will jump on it.

In many ways, it's funny. And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: We have noticed.

STEWART: And I wanted to -- I felt that that wasn't fair and I should come here and tell you that I don't -- it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America.

(LAUGHTER)

CARLSON: But in its defense...

(CROSSTALK)

STEWART: So I wanted to come here today and say...

(CROSSTALK)

STEWART: Here's just what I wanted to tell you guys.

CARLSON: Yes.

STEWART: Stop.

(LAUGHTER)

STEWART: Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America.

BEGALA: OK. Now

(CROSSTALK)

STEWART: And come work for us, because we, as the people...

CARLSON: How do you pay?

STEWART: The people -- not well.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: Better than CNN, I'm sure.

STEWART: But you can sleep at night.

(LAUGHTER)

STEWART: See, the thing is, we need your help. Right now, you're helping the politicians and the corporations. And we're left out there to mow our lawns.

BEGALA: By beating up on them? You just said we're too rough on them when they make mistakes.

STEWART: No, no, no, you're not too rough on them. You're part of their strategies. You are partisan, what do you call it, hacks.

NHL Hockey Season Humorously Rescued

For those of you sobbing into your Old Milwaukee over the loss of the NHL season (I know I am) here is a bit of solace. G4Techtv (whom I otherwise loath) are playing the entire 04-05 season and playoffs in real time via the miracle of the Sony PlayStation 2. Every night they host a hockey update where they go over the day's scores and even show highlights. All we're missing from the real thing is the blood.

Google Oogler for Your Compu-Thingy

A mere thirty years after the PC came into being, you can search it in some kind of rapid and coherent way with this new google oogler.

New "Zany" Bush: Ready for Center Square?

This Times commentator makes a good point. The sum of Bush's three debate performances is worse than any of the parts individually, as a different Bush showed up each time, as if his doctor is playing around with his meds. First debate: Bush up past his bedtime, having a triple-biorythm low, serotonin deficit, low blood sugar, and behaving like someone who can't believe he's losing a game of Monopoly. Second debate: Bush the rage-aholic that sends the children scurrying to hide in their rooms while he dishes out heapin' helpin's of belligerence. Third debate: the meds kick in, resulting not in a "Happy Bush", but a "Slaphappy Bush".

Act 3, Wherein Bush Turns That Frown Upside Down: "[T]he surprise of this debating season is that viewers now know what to expect from Mr. Kerry, and they expect consistency. He stands ramrod straight. He often presses one big hand to his chest in a gesture of sincerity. He has command of lots of facts, at least those that support his position. He says 'with respect to' with respect to just about everything, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Bush, who prides himself on saying what he thinks and knowing who he is, has proved to be the unpredictable one."

The Only Audience That Really Matters

A CBS News poll of uncommitted voters who watched the debate found Kerry won, 39% to 25%, with 36% calling it a tie.

Who Among Us Has Not Been Part of a Naked, Raging Mob?

The conservative Republican congressman — who wrote a column condemning Janet Jackson's nude display during her 2004 Super Bowl halftime performance — apparently bared his bottom with about 300 others in a stunt that ended with arrests and a clash with police.

Was Freedom Attacked?

I've been reading about common types of cognitive distortions this evening, which cognitive behavioral therapists see as the root cause of neuroses (anxiety, depression, compulsions, etc.); why otherwise rational people do irrational things.

I got to thinking: how do people acquire these cognitive distortions? Surely, they must be learned; from a variety of sources: parents, teachers, TV, movies, in church, on the playground, and from our leaders. Our leaders are selected and serve in a political environment, which lends itself to the creation and perpetuation of distortions.

A few of the cognitive distortions given birth during the current administration stand out. Over three years after September 11th, 2001, it only just now really sunk in how curious the first public statement out of President Bush's mouth that day really was:

"Freedom was attacked."

Really? Was freedom, the abstract concept, attacked? I can't conceive how this was so. I do know that the World Trade Center was attacked and destroyed, and that the Pentagon was attacked a damaged. Did the president or his handlers really think that stating these facts wasn't enough? Did people need to be convinced that these horrific acts of violence were not alarming enough, that they had to be "spun" into something more threatening: an attack on our freedom? Does this come under the category of poetic license? Now if, say, the Statue of Liberty was attacked, I don't think I'd fault the president for saying, "Liberty was attacked," as at least the point of that statue is to symbolize liberty. To my knowledge, the Pentagon and World Trade Center were not de facto nor de jour symbols of freedom.

Perhaps I'm missing the point of what the president was trying to say, but he didn't explain what he meant by the remark. Was I supposed to know what it meant? Or was I simply supposed to accept that any action against the United States is targeted at the concept of "freedom."

Remember that this statement was not simply a flighty bit of rhetoric that found its way into one of the president's stammering rambles. This was deliberately stated first, of all the things the president had to say that night, the most important thing for you to know was that "Freedom was attacked," which makes a certain amount of sense as I'd been watching the news that day, and only saw planes flying to skyscrapers and the skyscrapers collapsing, so I must have missed the whole attack on freedom, which probably wouldn't have even made the newspapers the next day if the president hadn't mentioned it.

I found a relate curiousity attributed to Donald Rumsfeld (lifted from a website that really bought into the "freedom was attacked" thing):

"The way to deal with this problem is not to suddenly become a police state and say we're not going to be free, and we're not going to go about our lives."

Perhaps the way to deal with this problem is to suddenly become a police state and say we are going to be free?

Can One Be 'With You' and 'With the Terrorists?'

On September 20th, 2001, addressing a joint session of congress, President Bush said (to enthusuastic applause):

"Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

Here, the president's logic is air-tight. Some people are with you. Some people are with the terrorists. I think it's pretty clear that there are no people that are both with you and with the terrorists. There -- I think I pretty much covered all the combinations.

What Is the President Thinking?

A long time ago, a roommate of mine said that he suspected that athletes didn't just talk in sports cliches, but thought in sports cliches. I want to know: does he really believe the stuff he says? We're told that President Bush is "principled" because he "sees things in absolutes." The only way I find this disfunction in any way redeamable is if he's saying to himself: "I'm an absolutely shitty president."

The Ground Battle

I was amazed to hear at my local Democratic party meeting that there will be at least one real lawyer, acting as an observer, at every single one of the 400 some precincts around Seattle: part of a national plan.

God knows what it's going to be like in Miami. It's the legal equivalent of civil war.

Some Paul Lynde Rejoinders from Hollywood Squares

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Make him bark.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

George W. Bush...so....uh...uh...

For years I've been wondering who W reminded me of - suddenly, a chance view of Bewitched brought it together.

Paul Lynde


This is even better if you imagine W in the next debate speaking with Paul Lynde's voice. It would explain a lot.

The Viceroy in PA Concert

Eric Street 3
Originally uploaded by eevans24.

Well, I am no longer a virginally pure piper. Last Saturday I had my first semi-paid gig, recieving a bottle of Scotch for a performance for a friend's British mother in law. This photo is part of my procession down the street to her house. The bullet-proof vest makes me look a little paunchy don't you think? For more info and another pic, check out the story on The Bagpiping Road, Aye!

Electoral Vote Site

Thanks again to Dr. X for citing this meta poll site. It's format has been expanded and updated since last week - you can search for pollster bias, not that there is any, easily now.

Here, Kerry's up: 280-254. Because of it's consistent use of state polls, apparantly decent methodology, and a healthy suspicion of partisan polls, it looks good to me.

"Well, actually, he forgot Poland"

More than two-thirds of the people living in Australia, Britain and Italy -- three countries allied with the United States in the Iraq war -- believe the war has increased the threat of terrorism.

Finally, I Can Be Proud to Be an American Again

Amid fanfare fit for actual world-class athletes, five Americans with really quick fingers took home the gold medal in the popular “Counter Strike” competition of the World Cyber Games championships, capping five days of intense gaming by the world’s elite.

The Knockout Punch

Every four years, I propose my ultimate cannot-lose plan to get elected president, and every four years, the major parties (and the minor ones too, for that matter) ignore me.

Undaunted, I again propose Dr. X's Sure-Fire Get-Elected Plan. It is very simple: everyone who votes gets a brand-new, American-made free car.

I know! Why haven't they done it? It's so obvious! Think of the advantages:

• Voter turnout goes to 99.9%.
  
• Immediate improvement in air quality as people drive more efficient new cars.
• Immediate relief from high oil prices, as we can put MPG restrictions on the cars to be given away.
  
• Immediate improvement in the disparity between rich and poor as even our poorest citizens get hot, flashy wheels they can be proud of.
• Immediate boost to the economy as Ford, GM, and the rest hire more workers and ramp up production.
• American companies a get leg up on their competition by running higher production volumes, better leveraging fixed-costs and gaining learning-curve benefits.
  
• Immortality for the candidate who implements the plan. President Kerry - the man who gave every American a new car. Clinton would give his eye-teeth for a tagline like that.
• The undying gratitude of millions of registered voters.

You're scratching your head.

There must be a downside, you say.

Well, it wouldn't be free, of course. By my calculations, it would cost $2-4 trillion (the lower figure if we use the Bush-Gore turnout and a $20k per car assumption). You might think that's a lot.

But you'd be wrong! It's nothing! Bush and his team have run up $7.4 trillion in debt, from less than half that when they took over. And they managed to do this without giving us all free cars! My proposal would increase this by a mere 30% or so, and would leave America infinitely better off. And as every Dick Cheney knows, Reagan taught us that deficits don't matter.

The time for half-measures has passed. E-mail your favorite presidential candidate today. Tell him where you stand.

Make him take the pledge: No taxation without free transportation!

Schadenfreude Online

An enjoyable gallery of wrecked expensive cars.

A Better Internet

I remember stepping off a train in Philadelphia in the early 1990's. As I approached the cabstand, 12 cabbies of various nationalities rushed to offer their services, each trying to explain, in the accent of his native land, why his particular cab service was uniquely indispensible. Like a good German, I picked the first one in line.

Surfing the Internet for any commercial service today is a similar experience. Tonite I was looking for a car stereo installer in San Francisco, and got nowhere. The top of Google is nothing but chain stores, toplists, shysters, intermediaries, spybot installers and God knows what else.

And then (sound of harp arpeggio) I found a website that is what Yahoo! could have been! A network of trustworthy business partners who are hustling for a quick buck, but really mean to give you good service and earn your repeat business! I refer, of course, to the Cole Hardware Community Connections page.

And my stereo guy has an endorsement from Bobby McFerrin...

NEW Ape-Chimpanze SPECIES!

This is completely astounding, maybe the biggest naturalist discovery of your life - the BBC reports the discovery of a new species of giant ape - somewhere between apes and chimps.

But the gorillas supposedly diverged from chimps BEFORE chimps and humans diverged - meaning this throws a big wrench into current theories of human evolution, or strictly speaking, perhaps chimps and gorillas are NOT truly separate species. If not, that even suggests "Out of Africa is wrong" and Neanderthals, Sapiens have been gettin' it on too.

Everything's Going to Hell

Scandal in Paris 1863




Scandal in D.C. October, 2004

We Cave: Here's the "Bush is Wired" Conspiracy

After hitting the BBC, Salon, and the NYT, the rumor based on tape that Bush was wearing a wire harness on his back, visible through his suit, is threatening to turn into a story. Of course, the rumor has its not completely unconvincing own blog.

This one might stick. It's not the first incident, just the best documented. It's interesting, mysterious, exactly one half-documented, (the key to any good story) nefarious, involves my suspicion that Bush is a robot, and is a nice alternative reason to the horrible realities that give one ample reason to detest the guy. Mostly, though, it's simple. Is Bush getting fed his answers by radio? No statistics, no geopolitical complexities.

True or not, it FITS the character of the White House perfectly. Unlike the suit. You also can find out interesting things by internet searches, like the incident where apparantly a prompter was feeding Bush answers seconds before accidently picked up by a CNN news mike, or a wireless earpiece manufacturer, or all kinds of weird slips that seem to make sense if you imagine having to listen to how to answer. Try it!

Now that pat on the back Kerry gave Bush makes sense.

Death of Derrida

Brilliant
Conforming to paternal, normative values and positing an association which suggests that in conferring a judgement of brilliance the author must necessarily share it

French
In this instance geographical and linguistic in origin, but not nationalistic, excepting that this very characteristic of conceptual anti-nationalism is particulaly characteristic of its shared national identity

Deconstructionist Philosopher

Qualified by implications of talent and gender/class-privilege to paternally direct social inquiry in superficial cultural critique of but which by enfeebling authentic working class-critiques reinforced the capitalist social structure; also essentially inventor of hypertext

Derrida

Dies
is aggressively recontextualized from a state of physically embodied identity towards a shorthand for a conceptual nexus of dynamic cultural discourse centered on semiotics and deconstruction stragtegies

Must...Not....Review....Debate

But I will cite an analysis I stumbled across that I rather liked. Summary - Bush improves, Kerry doesn't seal it, but Kerry takes it, maybe more than the performance would suggest.

Choice Bush/ Or Spongebob Squarepants Quotes

"That's why I proposed a hydrogen generated automobile"

"We're going to be lighter, quicker, and more facile"

"Can I make a Krabby Patty Now?"

"I'm worried. I'm worried. I'm worried about our country."

"The only thing worse than one giant paint bubble is two giant paint bubbles."

"What happens in those forests is that they're not harvested."

"Is it possible that those words can be used together in a sentence?"

How many Bush officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. "There's nothing wrong with that light bulb. It has served us honorably. When you say it's burned out, you're giving encouragement to the forces of darkness. Once we install a light bulb, we never, ever change it. Real men don't need artificial light."

Shamelessly cribbed from Andrew Sullivan's blog.

Maybe They Should Count the Computers in Karl Rove's Office

CNN.com - Disks in Iraq hold details about U.S. schools: "The Homeland Security official said the material was associated with a specific individual in Iraq, and it could not be established that this man had any ties to terrorism. He did have a connection to civic groups doing planning for schools in Iraq, the official said."

Maybe Not As Great as Painting

But photography is also an art....

Two Electoral Votes

This meta analysis page is excellent. Pre-debate Kerry was getting whipped pretty bad. And now, he is two electoral votes ahead. Note the asterisk - if Colorado's ballot initiative passes, four additional electoral votes go to Kerry...

ARR! Redux

Eisengeiste officially referenced on the Talk like a pirate day website. We are internationally famous!

The Incomparable Samantha Bee Bit

If you missed it, get Samantha Bee's take on undecided voters here.

If Kerry Channels Dangerfield's Spirit On the Deficit

That deficit's a big one, I tell ya! Trillions and trillions. I haven't seen so many zeroes since the Russians scored me making love to my wife.

Gigantic deficit, gotta tell ya. If the deficit was a woman, she'd have a wildly successful talk show.

Big numbers, boy they're big. The President should have checked the fine print on that Discover card.

It's big I tell you, big. It makes Arnold Schwazenegger in the Terminator look like Arnold Schwazenegger now.

It's big I'm saying. I haven't felt a hole that deep since my dentist stopped drinking.

Seeking Career Advice

Well, the Liquitex campaign photo shoot is over, and I'll be appearing in an interview in a series of spots for their 50th anniversary, along with the other famous art Jamie, Wyeth (son of Andrew), in one or another major art magazines, thus getting me in the back door. Much to their credit, the interview had almost nothing to do with the paint (which, thank god for my internal sense of ethics, I happen to like and in fact need to create this side body of work) and the experience has so far been very pleasant and free of that certain queasy feeling.

I just got a call from the Seattle Art Museum sales gallery, minor offshoot though it be, and I'm getting yet more possibilities for the Arctic expedition, and possibly two or maybe three useful small shows in Seattle in the upcoming year.

All small steps, to be sure, but I suddenly have to face an odd problem: What if this all actually starts working? I have no plan for this contingency.

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up"

No rambling off in the general direction of funny. If you ever needed relief from the deadly light observation on airline food, Dangerfield was the General Sherman of comedy, some classics here .

During sex my wife  always  wants to

talk to me. Just the other night she

called me from a hotel.



He's a fat man,a fat man I tell ya. Why every time he  smokes..he  blows

onion rings.

She  was  known as a  two  bagger.

That's when a girl is so ugly that

you put a bag  over  your  head in

case the bag over her head breaks.

I would be interested to hear these in Latin.

"Doctor.. every

* morning  when I  get up and  look in

* the mirror..I feel like throwing up;

* what's  wrong with me?"  He said.."I

* don't  know  but  your  eyesight  is

* perfect."

*

* I remember when I swallowed a bottle

* of  sleeping  pills.  He told me  to

* have a few drinks and get some rest.

*

* I told  him I  think my wife has VD.

* He   gave    himself   a   shot   of

* penicillin.

I once read he prepared three months for a two-minute shot on the Tonight Show.

And yet there was a sweetness in the acid, missing from the imitators. He was harder on himself than anyone.

Super Scooper

Jackie Harvey is always a treat, but this is one of the great segues:

"Item! Is she or isn't she? That's the question everybody's asking. By "she" I mean Britney, and as to what she is or isn't, that would be married. She may have pulled a J-Lo and tied the knot with one of her dancers. But there was some hubbub over the wedding license—namely, they didn't have one. I for one think that if she wants to be married, we should let her. Celebrities in love are above the law. OJ taught us all that.

"Speaking of OJ, you know what's great? The hotel breakfast bar..."

Big Mo Keep on Rollin'

Where to begin? Cheney takes a break from surly dissembling for a moment of surly self delusion, regarding the devastating official US WMD weapons report, which clearly justifies the Iraq war. Apparrantly.

Oil hits $53 a barrel, and the Market reacts. (Bad news that I am happy to have for the moment.)

Tom DeLay steps in yet another pile of poo, prompting calls for ouster.

The CIA leak is back in the news with an NYT reporter held in contempt.

Paul Bremer directly contradicts himself over need for more troops.

Limbaugh loses in court.

Kerry pulls ahead significantly in AP poll, as well as several others in key states, goes behind on one, and ties most of the rest. All polls are narrrowing substantially.

I also noticed that the news networks opened the floodgates on Bush officials (Powell, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bremer) directly contradicting themselves on tape.

And there's a debate tomorrow night. I'll make a limited call - Bush will get much nastier, Kerry will keep an even keel. Bush will go this way for two reasons - the last debate was his attempt to be positive (I know, eww) and even. It failed very, very badly, looking defensive, and vaporizing a significant lead. And GOP goons will note how effective the convention was with Kerry bashing, and that the nasty Cheney was not knocked out.

Kerry will not change his demeanor at all - but not statically, do not underestimate his ability to think on his feet.

Bush might stumble badly with this- many voters are ready to change their minds (all the pollsters say this), were not sure about K, but they've already heard months of really vicious attacks; unless Bush accuses him of being a pedophile, nothing will be new. Bush will look mean and desparate, even though he's tied. Kerry will look more and more like the President.

One thing I can attest to personally is the format - Kerry has gotten really impressive in person; Bush will start off much more comfortably with an audience to see and react to, but he has been living in a land of pre-screened audiences. Unused to contradiction in person (see last debate face), I think he will be flat footed at an aggressive audience question. If he goes after an audience member, get ready to laugh with glee.

My call: Bush starts off great, but with a high (though far from certain) risk of getting destroyed as the evening goes on. His biggest asset is (bullshit) folksiness - but will it stand this test? His biggest danger is not attacking Kerry (expect LOTS of that) , but attacking an audience member for a fairly reasonable question. His rep as arrogant will be cemented. One thing undecideds definitely don't want is to think that their president disrespects questioning him - it is, after all, what they do.

It occurs to me- if you really are undecided, how effective is it to say someone can't be president because they can't make up their mind? *

* I stand by the minority but ancient and legitimate use of "their" as a singular pronoun in the English language.

Keep That Receipt

Canadian Submarine fire off Scotland. One Sailor dies. 2nd hand sub was one of 4 recently purchased from the UK.

The blaze occurred just over a week after it was widely reported that Canada might sue Britain over the purchase of four second-hand submarines - including the Chicoutimi - after they had been plagued by "serious malfunctions and corrosion".

My God, That's Brilliant

Kansas City figures out how to stop Ray Lewis: have someone block him.

Explodo-Vision III

After years of casual curiosity, I discovered that when roasting chestnuts, it's important to prick a hole in them, or you get exploding chestnuts, like giant exploding popcorn kernels of Wotan.

All Right, I Don't Care for the Man, but...

Michael Moore has his moments. Who else in American history could have uttered this:

"It's ironic that Republicans have no problem with allowing assault weapons out on our streets, yet they don't want to put clean underwear in the hands of our slacker youth. The Republicans seem more interested in locking me up for trying to encourage people to participate in our democracy than locking up bin Laden for his attacks on our democracy."

Thanks for the Tip, Dick

If you missed it on NPR, Dick Cheney's surly suggestion (one of the few men to have truly mastered the surly "Happy Birthday") to go to factcheck.com to prove wrong the Halliburton charge does this.

Even better, if you try to go to the actual Annenberg site, factcheck.org, you get this article.

PS, the ABC debate poll, which had a narrow Cheney "lead," (the opposite of the CBS poll results) turns out to have an interesting bias consistent in some polls, where 38% of the respondents are Republicans, 31 each for Ds and Is. The actual breakdown (by one read 49% leaning Ds, 43% leaning Rs, and 8% non-leaning Is,) is here, courtesy, actually, of the Univ. of Michigan! This probably reflects a few pollsters (this includes CNN/Gallup) idea that Republicans will turn out much more than Ds or Is. This is clearly a judgement call, one that I think is almost exactly wrong, but may be based on 2002 turnouts ( a logical move but one where an obvious and fairly large error is likely). What the polls are missing, and in fact, have to miss, is how the gazillions of newly registered voters will go. There is no way to predict them with solid social science methods, simply because they have no track record. But the Democrats are registering vastly more voters, and the most reasonable conclusion is that people who resigter with the Democrats will strongly favor Kerry. Certainly that's how it's worked in the past.

HOWEVER,

Don't forget to pray that Zogby's got this read on this one. (He should. I got pegged for this poll!)

A Tit for a Tat

After the Ken Starr abomination, I'm surprised to find myself favoring an investigatory outside counsel. But in Tom Delay's case, maybe it's just the ticket.

Farewell

Rodney Dangerfield passes.

"Oh, this is the worst coffin I ever saw. A coffin like that, you oughta get a free bowl of soup."

More here.

The world will little note, nor long remember.

This promises to have as much effect on the election's outcome as does the typical veep debate. No knockout blows were landed. Partisans for each candidate will take comfort.

That's not to say it was without moment. Cheney tried to give the impression that he couldn't be rattled. Edwards was more passionate. When Cheney was groping for words, he covered by complaining about time limits and wondering where to start. Edwards's occasional struggles gave the impression that he was engaged and editing his responses in realtime, rather than deciding which rehearsed remark would best fit.

Cheney echoed his boss's sophist attacks on Kerry's awareness of complexity. His silence on gay rights was deafening.

One had the impression that he was doing the best he could with bad material.

For many who'd never heard him speak before, this was Edward's debate to lose, and he didn't lose.

With that over, we can wait for the final debate that actually matters.

A Principled, Thoughtful Republican View on the Bush Administration

Moose on the Loose by Marshall Wittmann: "Incompetence and hubris in the defense of liberty are not virtues."

Of course, we have a term for principled, thoughtful Republicans these days: "Democrats." Wittmann is a former McCain aide now with the DLC.

Today's Birthday!

There's a special hockey player that I wanna give a Happy Birthday shout out to: that's right, it's Mario Lemieux's birthday today!

But seriously, there's another hockey player, a certain goalie, that we must pass on a Happy Birthday wish to: Patrick Roy. Happy Birthday, Patrick!

And then, there's Bernie. Bernie Mac! Happy B-Day, Bernie!

Today's a big birthday-day for musicians, too. Yes, it's Bob Geldof's and Steve Miller's birthday today! Keep on rockin' me, Steve and Bob!

Seriously, today is the birthday of someone we all look up to and can never forget, who will always have a place in our hearts: Vaclav Havel.

Oh! It's Kate Winslet's birthday too!

(I hope I'm not leaving out anybody...)

Toward The Alleviation Of Parochial Ignorance

Evidently, Canada has at least one submarine. And it's in trouble.

Where You Go When You Mis-Type "eisengeiste" in Firefox

e --> e online, with a sick picture of mutant...oh wait, that's Donald Trump

ei --> ?

eis --> Scotland's largest teaching union

eise --> The NPS site for the Eisenhower farm

eisen --> Eisen Lab, whose proprietor just won the "highest honor bestowed by the U.S. government on outstanding scientists and engineers beginning their independent careers".

eiseng --> The British Council's Education Virtual Campus (defunct).

eisenge --> Some German chip site

eisengei --> A geneaology page

eisengeis --> A way interesting blog

eisengeist --> I have no idea what this freaky German thing is

eisengeiste --> Arguably the finest blog to feature left-handed Alaskan vegetarians, Alaskan civil libertarian painters who despise performance art, Alaskan QA engineers who dislike gun nuts but are crack shots, West Virginian hotties with a thing for Paris, red-bearded Alaskan bagpipers, and Alaskan government fungus fans who admire Avant Garde typefaces and Marshall Foch.

Let's see The National Review do that.

Here's an Interesting Item

Apparently Houston Texans quarterback David Carr vowed last year that he wouldn't get his hair cut until his team won two straight. He must have been pretty nervous because it took a long time! But this week the Houston Texans finally won back-to-back games for the first time, and Carr finally got his haircut!

With all the emphasis on negative things in our society, this simple story reminds us of the power of determination and the strength of the human spirit.

And with all the things he does for charity, how does he find time for football?

Drudge Suspects Kerry Cheated in Debate

The Drudge Reports suspects Kerry cheated at the debate by pulling something out of his pocket at the podium, in violation of the memorandum of understanding between the candidates. The link above includes another link to the video evidence.

However, I have uncovered an enlargement of the video imagine that resolves the issue. Sadly, Drudge is right, Kerry DID pull something out of his pocket. See the enlargement here.

Klingons for Kerry

Willamette Week Online | SHUT UP and VOTE!: "'A good war is based on honor, not deception,' says K'tok (Earth name: Clyde Lewis), a 40-year-old Klingon from Lair Hill. 'The first warrior, President Bush, deceived us all with this war.'"

Though I understand that the Cardassians are breaking for Bush.

Texas Hairstylists for Truth

Sadly, it turns out that press reinforcement and support of the disingenuous posturing of public figures is not limited to Republican politicians, but is a service provided players in the National Football League, as well.

Today, the beneficiary was David Carr, quarterback of the Houston Texans. (In case you blinked, Houston has a pro football team again. Maybe soon, San Francisco will have a pro football team again, too.) At the beginning of last season (13 months ago), Carr swore not to get a haircut until the team had won two games in a row. Only today did the Texans accomplish this.

The substance of my complaint is contained in this email that I sent to Greg Easterbrook, the author of Tuesday Morning Quarterback on NFL.com.

To: TMQNFL@yahoo.com
Subject: Texas Hairstylists for Truth

Mr. Easterbrook,

My wife and I watched the Texans beat the Raiders this weekend, ending their streak of not winning two games in a row. The commentors on CBS were making quite a big deal about David Carr's famous oath not to get a haircut until the Texans achieved this.

To my understanding, this oath taken last September. Now, it was pretty obvious to us that Carr had had his hair cut since then -- hair ends don't natrually grow evenly and make a nice straight line on the back of your neck.

I did a little research, and an article by Len Pasquarelli on ESPN.com before the season began confirmed the obvious: "Truth be told, David Carr has actually fudged a bit during his haircut hiatus, succumbing to the occasional trim, the latest less than two months ago."

We're told (repeatedly, ad nauseum) that David Carr will not get his hair cut until the Texans win two in a row. But, when he says, "not get his hair cut," he means, "not get it cut very much," or, "not get it cut unless it really needs it."

My question: Is this what passes for "truth" in Houston? How did CBS verify that David Carr had not had his hair cut? Did they consult independent experts do verify Carr's claims? Why did they repeatedly report this (patently false) story?

Thank you for your jounalistic diligence and integrity.

Thank Goodness Our Intelligence Services Are Being Improved

The 9-11 Commission Report and the resignation of George Tenet have opened the doors to a major reform of US intelligences operations. First of all we have a new CIA chief, Porter Goss, a non-partisan executive who will no doubt aggressively protect and defend the agency and its agents.

We also welcome Stephen Cambone, recently installed as the first-ever undersecretary of defense for intelligence, letting us all heave a sigh of relief.

Not to mention that the new executive director of the CIA, . Michael V. Kostiw is a man of sterling character and experience, having spent many years as a lobbyist for ChevronTexaco Corp.

Good to know we are taking steps to avoid future mistakes. Tonight I shall curl up in my husband's big strong arms and dream only of football.

Ever-Helpful

Nader continues his evolution from respected progressive to a pool of pus, plans to focus his campaign on swing states.

Swift Boat Veterans Argue It Was Armor-Piercing Rice

"A group of veterans has challenged the validity of the three Purple Hearts that Mr. Kerry received for wounds he suffered while serving on Swift boats in the Vietnam war. These critics suggested that the shrapnel that hit him in one mission was rice, not metal.

"However, CT scan X-rays taken at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston document that two pieces of metal shrapnel are embedded deep in Mr. Kerry's left thigh, next to the femur, said Dr. Gerald J. Doyle, Mr. Kerry's personal physician in Boston who reviewed the X-rays at the request of this reporter, who is a physician. Doctors treating the wound in 1969 decided to leave the shrapnel in place. 'One piece of shrapnel is about the size of a bullet, the other a bit smaller,' Dr. Doyle said."

Debates don't matter...

... My ass.
MSNBC - The Race is On

Bush's lead has evaporated in the latest Newsweek poll.

FarkTarget: Drudge

I'm going to hell for linking to this, but some of these are funny. Although the North Korean one is just...wrong...ew.

This Stinks

San Francisco hotel workers strike four hotels, other hotels lock everyone out and bring in replacement workers. That'll teach 'em to ask for healthcare.

I was down there today and it was ugly.

Woe to the Earth, for GWAR has arisen!!!

Our pal Shane has invited us to go see GWAR on Novemeber 29th at the DNA Lounge in San Francisco. It didn't take much convincing, given his decription of the last GWAR concert he went to. Still, I did a little research to see what I was getting into.

For those who are unaware, GWAR (official site) was a band formed in the late '80s as a kind of art-student experiment to combine thrash metal, stagecraft, and elements of professional wrestling. (Many bands have vocalists, guitarists, bassists, and drummers, in their lineups, but how many have "enemies"?) Their albums (though they are a product meant to be consumed in person) include Hell-O, This Toilet Earth, and America Must Be Destroyed.

I highly recommend you read this Wikipedia article on them.

African Beetles 1, Army Ants 0

"Normally, you find exotics outstripping the natives. Here, a native (species) basically kicked the butt of an exotic.''

A Letter From Fischer

Kingpin is not to be trifled with, getting no less than three blurbs from Fry.

Anyway, this letter from Bobby Fischer probably isn't any more strictly authentic than The Hitler Diaries, but contains the truth of all great art.

The late Tony Miles (mentioned in the letter), was one of the coolest chessplayers ever. Apart from writing this succinct book review, he was famous for beating Karpov (then near the peak of his powers) with a completely bogus coffeehouse opening.

Father to Son

‘Union Club, Havana, 7 October 1925

My dearest son,

You must keep this letter to read it again when you are 21 because things that you do not know and understand now you will know and understand then. First of all, you must always respect and love your mother above all else. Try never to tell her lies; always tell her the truth. Your father, writing these lines, has a reputation throughout the whole world for being a very honest man – very truthful and honourable. Try to imitate me in all this. Be studious and strong so that you can defend your mother and your sister with your head as well as with your hands. Whatever wishes you may have to study a particular thing, remember that in any case you must become a lawyer before anything else, so that you can defend your own interests and those of your family. After you have become a lawyer you can, if you prefer something else, concentrate on whatever you like. Don’t forget that the best period of a man’s life is when he is a student. As a boy this will not seem so to you, but when you have gone through that stage and reached the age of 40 you will see the truth of what I am telling you. On the physical side, there are two things you must know how to do well – swim and box, so that you can defend yourself at sea as well as on land. This does not mean that you should often fight, but that you must be prepared to do so if necessary.

Try to be a man of wide culture. There is nothing in the world as entertaining as books. It is also necessary to be useful to humanity. If you can avoid it, never play cards, smoke or drink alcohol of any kind. These are bad habits which greatly shorten life and weaken men physically as well as intellectually and morally.

Be an honest and good man.

Your father embraces you with all his love.

J.R. Capablanca.’

[From 1916 to 1924 Capablanca did not lose a game of chess. Not one.]

Oh, Let's Watch it Again

Faces of Frustration.

Sorry, Sisler

SI.com: Ichiro breaks single-season hits record - Friday October 1, 2004 11:24PM

Before you try it: don't dismiss Ichiro as a "Two-hundred-and-fifty-eight-hit wonder."

The Correct Interpretation

The correct reaction to the debate is, to shamelessly blow sunshine on myself, to do something like this afternoon's pastime - walk outside my door with a big stupid paper sign that said "Last Chance Voter Registration" and sign up 28 people in cars at the light. What was amazing in this deeply dorky act was how many kinds words , and even a rice krispy treat, I received.

Less handwringing, friends, more gladhanding.

Another debate issue might have been missed - how amazingly cheerful, and therefore highly motivated, Democrats were today.

Space Transport Corp: Our Plucky Space Dudes

Burt Rutan's Space Ship One may win the X-prize, but with backing from Paul Allen, they have taken on the look of "Team Budweiser". Yes, it is a cool ship, and it is probably going to win, but was there little doubt seeing as they have already spent the X-prize 3 times over in development?

I'm still rooting for the team from Space Transport Corp, based in the little town of Forks, Washington known best for it's logging activities and the incredible amounts of rain that comes down most of the year. Space Transport Corp is run by two guys with engineering/mathamatics degrees who apparently didn't want to go to work at Boening.

Sure their last rocket "The Rubicon One" belew up, but with a tiny budget and few resources they are truly living the dream. They intend to continue rocket development even if they don't win the X-prize. Their next Launch is scheduled for October 9th.

Here is a short movie about "The Rubicon One" test pilot dummy "Stevie Austin". The movie comes in installments, the first one showing the destruction of their latest rocket.

NOAA's Olympic Coast National Marine Sanctuary (The agency for whom I work), wasn't thrilled about an experimental rocket being crashed into the santuary waters. They have threatened to severly fine Space Transport Corp if they bonk any otter's with another rocket. However STC has arranged to perform their next test launch from the Makah Indian Reservation, north of the protected marine sanctuary. We like our local Space Dudes, but someone must speak for the otters! (Or at least provide them with space-junk deflecting helmets)

FoxNews Posts Fake Kerry Quotes on Its Website

Josh Marshall followed this story today, starting here.

The conslusion is here.

So the Fox reporter covering the Kerry campaign puts together this Kerry-bashing parody right out of the RNC playbook with phony quotes intended to peg him as girlish fool and somehow it found its way on the Fox website as a news item.

Imagine that.

See Blinky McDumbass in Action

A short video of Bushes reaction shots on the DNC website.